[The White Wolf]

I am in a situation that I don't know how to respond to.

My girlfriend is 21, we have a solid relationship and she cooks / cleans / meets my needs. I'm still developing my skills as a man and her respect has increased over the years in accordance with this/

In contrast, her older sister is 25, an emotional wreck, and single (IMO ruined plenty of good relationships due to BPD).

Recently I was at the sister's house with her family and they started talking about Tinder. As soon as the sister pulled up her account both my gf and the mom jumped over to "vet" all of her potential suiters. I did not like it because the sister and mom were talking in detail about the 'millions' of guys they could have while single.

I wasn't happy with it but in their family's relationship the brother is effeminate and dad is simply a stepping stone and is not respected at all so any confrontational reaction I had would not be supported. Very different from my family where my Dad is the strong leader of the house.

I have been thinking of a good way to bring up this situation and how I don't want her involved in it / highlight the negatives of her sisters lifestyle, but I don't want to appear needy or too concerned.

Thoughts??

[TornadoByProxy]

Your insecurities are showing. You shouldn't be threatened by the millions of guys on tinder if you have a good relationship with your girlfriend. And just accept, you're never going to remove her sister's influence from her life. Which is what you really want to do.

What you really need to do is just make small comments to keep your girlfriend's head in check. A long discussion, or worse getting angry, is only going to hurt you.

On the car ride home just say, "I'm glad I've got you and don't have to deal with all of that bullshit." This will influence her more than her sister's million guys. Small comments like this are the best way to go.

[kaotic]

(12-15-2016 11:14 AM)The White Wolf Wrote:  

Recently I was at the sister's house with her family and they started talking about Tinder. As soon as the sister pulled up her account both my gf and the mom jumped over to "vet" all of her potential suiters. I did not like it because the sister and mom were talking in detail about the 'millions' of guys they could have while single.

Girls will always love to gossip and talk about boys, just like us men talk about banging all sorts of women.

I would of gone the joking route and would've said, "A million dicks ? Damn that's alot of dick" - with big ass grin on my face.

or, "A million guys ? More like a million STD's" with a laugh.

Basically nullifying and positives about Tinder without addressing the women personally. It's enough to shame them.

Tornado is right - saying along those lines will definitely leave and impression. You also can't be showing insecurities like that, especially if she's a submissive woman. She needs a man that's confident and can lead her.

Basically you negate Tinder - "I can't believe it's come down to dating apps like that, SAD !"

[RatInTheWoods]

Another way to deal with this would be to install tinder in front of them because you want to "check out what the millions of women are like"

[Rob Banks]

(12-15-2016 11:40 AM)TornadoByProxy Wrote:  

Your insecurities are showing. You shouldn't be threatened by the millions of guys on tinder if you have a good relationship with your girlfriend. And just accept, you're never going to remove her sister's influence from her life. Which is what you really want to do.

What you really need to do is just make small comments to keep your girlfriend's head in check. A long discussion, or worse getting angry, is only going to hurt you.

On the car ride home just say, "I'm glad I've got you and don't have to deal with all of that bullshit." This will influence her more than her sister's million guys. Small comments like this are the best way to go.

This is absolutely the wrong advice. It is the same as calling a guy "insecure" for caring about his girlfriend's sexual past.

OP, I am assuming you are in -- or at least considering -- a serious relationship with this girl, since you referred to her as your "girlfriend." If this is not the case, please disregard the following advice.

Caring about who your girlfriend is, what her family is like, what her sexual past is like, who she hangs out with, etc., is not "insecurity," it is called having standards.

Now, I don't know you or your girlfriend personally, so I can't speak for them. What I can say is that it is quite rare for a girl to grow up in a family like you described (mother and sister both brag about their past sluttiness, father and brother are effeminate and are not respected) and not have serious issues when it comes to pair-bonding and forming romantic relationships.

Chances are, a girl with a family like that probably engages in the same activities as them (i.e. looks at tinder while her sister and mother "vet" the guys). For all you know, she might still be looking at Tinder while she's dating you, and from what you've mentioned about her family, they probably wouldn't disapprove.

You said that her older sister has "ruined plenty of good relationships." How many of these relationships were ruined because she was dating other guys on the side? How do you think this behavior has influenced your girlfriend over the years?

I'm not saying that you should automatically not date a girl just because she doesn't come from a good family. But it is certainly a red flag, and it is not in your best interest to ignore it.

What is your girlfriend's sexual past like? Has she, too, "ruined plenty of good relationships" (just like her sister)? How does she react when you talk about red-pill ideas? What does she think about her mother and sister's behavior? How does she feel about her father being disrespected by the rest of her family? These are all things you need to investigate in order to find out if she is really all that different from her mother and sister.

You made this thread for a reason. If you didn't have any doubts, you wouldn't have made this thread. If you ignore those doubts and tell yourself you're just being "insecure," then the doubts will never go away. They will always be in the back of your mind whenever you're with this girl. Better to do some proper research and investigation into everything you have doubts about, and then make an informed decision once you have all the information.

If she gets secretive and avoids giving you straight answers when you ask her about these things (or if she gets angry at you for asking something "too personal"), then she is probably hiding something.

You may want to check out this thread from a little while back. The OP's situation in that thread is not identical to your situation, but there is some advice in the thread that you might find helpful.

[Leonard D Neubache]

Yeah, insulting their life choices in a joking way seems like the best option.

Pretend to be a gypsy fortune teller.



"I'm gazing into your future. I see red wine (gather interest before the killshot) and... caaaaaaaaats. Lots of caaaaaaats. No man. No children. Just caaaaaaats."

[kaotic]

Rob actually brings up a great point - the way I state insecurity is by not showing your cards to HER.

It's okay for you think like that and worry about it, BUT don't show her those signs or thoughts.

Absolutely have standards and don't deal with that kind of stuff - but showing a woman you're insecure about it and jealous isn't a good thing.

There's a constructive way to go about things.

Rob is also right about Duncan's thread it gives ALOT of great insight on both sides. You've got purtists and realists in that right - I think a man needs a mix of both.

[Leonard D Neubache]

Just tell her in straight terms where her sister's life is going to lead, and provide examples.

Practice these words.

"She's going to end up as a used, wrinkled, discarded old condom, and I feel bad about it because she's your sister and it's going to hurt you to see her end up like that."

Reframe your disgust for her sister as a concern for your GF's wellbeing and she'll be entirely receptive rather than combative.

[PapayaTapper]

She obviously doesn't "fear" losing you. This scenario calls for some basic dread game, It's the ONLY thing that will work. PERIOD

[Leonard D Neubache]

Has OP considered that the whole family might be against his union with this chick?

I used to date a girl back when I was a young ne'er-do-well whose family reacted this way to me. At the time I put it down to them being idiots but in hindsight I realised that they were simply hinting that I wasn't a suitable match for their daughter.

[LeoneVolpe]

^ This.

If this is indeed what's going on, you might as well get out now. It doesn't matter how well you can maintain an alpha frame, if her whole family's plotting against you -- you're going to be in trouble. Truly, when you're in a relationship with a girl, you're not just in a relationship with her, you're in a relationship with her family as well. If you can't stand them (or they you) now, that doesn't bode well for the future.

Understand I'm not trying to be "Mr. Doom and Gloom" here, but I've ignored such advice in my younger days to my own peril.

[Splord]

Quote:

Small comments like this are the best way to go.

Long talks are good for her sense of drama but in the long run tend to turn against you (you end up looking insecure, lose frame etc.).
If she appreciates you and is smart enough, she'll notice and understand this kind of small comments, if not you should know it while the relationship is in its early stages and give her the importance she deserves in the future.

In general, and I know this from my own experience, it is very difficult, if not completely impossible, to cast off the family influence, especially from older sisters and aunts.
It's better to maintain your frame with comments like "one million guys? more like one million STDs". You show that you are not afraid to critisize them and their choises but not in an overt, "spit in your face" way (eg. "You are a slut").

[The White Wolf]

Thank you everyone for your responses. Gave her the run down and she now understands the future her sister has for her.

Fittingly, it's Christmas time and her wall-approaching sister just recently brought home a tiny dog to keep her company... she's racing towards spinsterville guns blazing

(12-16-2016 01:00 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  

Has OP considered that the whole family might be against his union with this chick?

I used to date a girl back when I was a young ne'er-do-well whose family reacted this way to me. At the time I put it down to them being idiots but in hindsight I realised that they were simply hinting that I wasn't a suitable match for their daughter.

I've only recently contemplated this as a possibility, and have started to pay more attention to this / look for subtle clues. Could be true. If it is the case then on to the next few.

Her mom has two personalities (hospitable vs. depressed and angry) which effects her interactions. However, this hasn't seemed to infiltrate my current gf. Part of me thinks she is afraid of losing her youngest daughter. The older brother and sister still live at home and I sense she would deplore living with her husband only, but thats another story in itself.

[Vaun]

(12-19-2016 08:45 AM)The White Wolf Wrote:  

(12-16-2016 01:00 AM)Leonard D Neubache Wrote:  

Has OP considered that the whole family might be against his union with this chick?

I used to date a girl back when I was a young ne'er-do-well whose family reacted this way to me. At the time I put it down to them being idiots but in hindsight I realised that they were simply hinting that I wasn't a suitable match for their daughter.

I've only recently contemplated this as a possibility, and have started to pay more attention to this / look for subtle clues. Could be true. If it is the case then on to the next few.

Her mom has two personalities (hospitable vs. depressed and angry) which effects her interactions. However, this hasn't seemed to infiltrate my current gf. Part of me thinks she is afraid of losing her youngest daughter. The older brother and sister still live at home and I sense she would deplore living with her husband only, but thats another story in itself.

Along with Leonard's comment, you also have to consider that their opinion of you is solely based on what she tells them about you. Unless you are rude/inconsiderate, etc, if you are a polite and likable guy to her family and friends, then there is an incongruence. If they are throwing out comments like this in front of the whole family, etc, then its probably well known. And if you know that you haven't been a jerk to them, then she has probably given them all of your dirty laundry. My recent ex did this for every little issue, its truly a sign of immaturity on the woman's part, and will greatly affect and potentially ruin your relationship. No long talks, begging, pleading will fix it on your part. If she's trashing you behind your back, drop her now, drop her quick. Dread game could prolong it, but if they all think you are a jerk now and openly disrespect you, this relationship is over. Get out now before it wrecks your self esteem even further. It sounds like you are justifying your girls back talk by blaming the "spinster sister."

[Mayweather]

(12-15-2016 06:03 PM)RatInTheWoods Wrote:  

Another way to deal with this would be to install tinder in front of them because you want to "check out what the millions of women are like"

Genius