[highcardace]

I hate traveling, that's because my dad used to beat me with a globe. - Dave Attell

I don't have a girlfriend, but I know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that. -Mitch Hedberg

She wasn't my type, I'm a Gemini and she was a bitch... didn't work out. - Unknown

I don't have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend I do. I just stand in my apartment screaming "No, thats not what I said!" - Dave Attell

During sex my wife always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel. - Rodney Dangerfield

I was looking at the stars with my telescope cuz my neighbor put her top back on. - Larry the Cable Guy

Just some funny jokes by some great comics that I remember off the top of my head.

[Fitzgerald]

What did the leper say to the prostitute?


"Keep the tip"

[Davidovich]

(02-27-2016 08:40 AM)tanner Wrote:  

No Backseat Blonde



A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.

"No!" yells the blonde.

Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.

"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"

The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"

Haha my parents got smashed one evening and told me about their first date. Dad said that he had a bottle of wine in the back seat, but mom, who was indeed a blonde, refused to go back there. At that point she said, "No, I would not get in the back seat - and if I had, you would be two years older."

[Vienna]

A bear and a rabbit were walking through the woods when they heard a scream.

They ran towards the sound and came upon a well. At the bottom was an old hag, screaming for help.

They threw her a rope and pulled her out. The hag thanked them profusely.

"I am a witch," she said. "You get three wishes each for helping me. Let's start with you," pointing to the rabbit.

The rabbit started speaking, but the bear impatiently brushed him aside with his great paw.

"I'll start," the bear said. "I wish all the bears in this wood were female."

The witch snapped her fingers. It was done.

Next it was the rabbit's turn. He shot the bear an angry look before speaking.

"I wish I had a scooter with a full tank," the rabbit said. The witch snapped her fingers, and poof, there was a scooter in front of the rabbit.

The bear's turn. "On second thought, I wish all the bears in this country were female," he said, licking his lips and smiling.

The witch snapped her fingers. Done.

It was the rabbit's turn. He thought for a second and started smiling. "I wish I had a helmet for my scooter."

Snap. On his head appeared a helmet.

It was the bear's last wish. "You know what? I wish all the bears in the WORLD were female!"

The witch snapped her fingers. "Done," she said.

It was the rabbit's last wish. He hopped on his scooter, kickstarted the engine and started speeding away. As he disappeared 'round a bend he yelled

"I WISH THE BEAR WAS A FUCKING FAGGOT!!"

[King of Monkeys]

I've come up with a few

How do you beat a musical note?
You trump-it

Why did the man put $2.50 on every cow he saw?
He was tipping cows

What do you call a bowl of jello pretending to be spaghetti?
An impasta

What do you call it when lipstick fucks mascara?
makeup sex

How did detective Quasimodo find the criminal?
he had a hunch

What do you call someone who acts like a jew and talks like a jew, but isn't a jew?
jew-ish

[ed pluribus unum]

Elephant walking through the jungle gets a thorn in his foot, causing him great pain. A mouse offers to remove the thorn for the elephant, "on one condition" he says. "What's that?" says the elephant. "That you let me fuck you in the ass after" replies the mouse. The elephant tries not to laugh and agrees, since the thorn is really hurting. The mouse manages to remove the thorn, and then he says to the elephant, "now you have to let me fuck you in the ass." Ok, whatever" says the elephant. The mouse clambers up and starts humping furiously with his tiny little pecker. In a nearby tree, a monkey has been watching the whole exchange, and finds the sight of the mouse pumping away at the nonchalant elephant so hilarious, he starts jumping up and down in his tree; the jumping dislodges a coconut, which falls on the elephant's head. "Ow!!" says the elephant, and the mouse yells out, "Yeeeaaah, take it all, bitch!"

[Matsufubu]

I was in the butcher's earlier and I said to him:

"I bet £50 you can't get the meat off the top shelf"

he replied:

"No, the steaks are too high"

[mikado]

A guy had a 30 inch cock (yeah right). It was hurting him a lot (no boxers fit enough for him). He asked to a friend about some help, and he got told to go to the deep forest, and search for a magical frog princess. When he would find her, he would ask her : "Will you marry me?" And his problem would be solved.

He went to the forest, saw the frog, and asked her: "Will you marry me?" She said "No." Then, magically, his cock shrinks by 6 inches.
He felt better, but still tought it was too long. So he asked her again the question. She answered : "NO!!!!!". His cock is 6 inches less again.

He is pretty satisfied with this, but wants to knock off another 6 inches, just for aesthetics. He asks her again: "Will you marry me??"
Then the frogs gets ready to jump into the water, and just before getting inside, yells at him: "NO, NO and NO!!!"

[SudoRoot]

Two Train engineers meet after work for a beer.
TE1:"You wont bellieve what happened today."
TE2:" What happened?."
TE1:"I was driving the Train and all of a sudden i noticed a naked woman 500 Yards in front of me on the railroad tracks."
TE2:"WTF? What did you do?"
TE1:" well, I stopped the Train immediately and got out to see what was going on."
TE2:"And?"
TE1:"Well, I had some pretty decent sexual intercourse with her."
TE2:"Holy shit! Nice one! Did she also give you a blowjob.?"
TE1:"No, I couldn't find the head."

[Panokko]

There was a fly buzzing around above a stream. And he flew ever closer to the surface of the water.
A salmon swimming in the stream noticed the fly, and the salmon thought: as soon as the fly gets close to the surface I’m going to jump up and eat him.
A bear near the water saw the fly and the salmon, and he thought: as soon as the fly comes close to the surface of the water and the salmon jumps up, I’m going to catch the salmon and eat it.
A hunter in the nearby woods saw the fly, the salmon and the bear, and he thought: as soon as the fly comes near the surface of the water, the salmon jumps up and the bear goes for the salmon, I’m going to shoot the bear.
Near the hunter was a little bird and a cat. The cat saw the fly, the salmon, the bear and the hunter. The cat thought: as soon as the fly comes near the surface of the water, the salmon jumps up, the bear goes for the salmon and the hunter will shoot the bear, the little bird will fly away and at that moment I can jump the bird and eat it.
And so it happened: the fly came near the surface of the water, the salmon jumped up and caught the fly in its mouth, the bear lashed out with its claw caught the salmon, the hunter fired and shot the bear, the little bird startled and flew away, the cat jumped at the little bird. But the cat missed the bird and landed in the stream.

The moral of the story: the longer the foreplay, the wetter the pussy.

[shy]

The Ideal weight of a mother-in-law is about 3lbs.
...if you include the urn.

[Eddie Winslow]

What do you call a cheap circumcision?

A rip-off.

[Snowblind]

Q: What's the difference between a jar of afterbirth and a jar of sand?
A: You can't gargle sand

[Requiem]

What does the jewish pedophile say to catch a victim?

"Hey kid, wanna buy some candy?"

[Irenicus]

The king of the forest, a bear, in order to make some more money to cover Obamacare, opened a shop.

On the first day, rabbit comes in and asks the bear if he has any carrots. The bear says he does not.

On the next day, the rabbit comes again, asking for carrots. Again, the bear says he does not have any.

And the same happens each and every day, during the entire week. Eventually, the bear says to the rabbit:

Bear: "Listen up, jerk. Do you see that rifle hanging over the counter?"
Rabbit: "Yeah..."
Bear: "If I hear you mentioning carrots again, I will shoot you dead."
Rabbit:"Ok..."

Tomorrow, the rabbit comes again to the shop:

Rabbit: "Hello bear. Do you have any bullets?"
Bear: "No"
Rabbit: "And carrots?"

[The Laughing Man]

Women are like math problems.
if they're under 18, it's best to do them in your head.

[Laurifer]

This is one I like to use that makes their panties fly off.

"Hey how many planets are there?"

"Idk 8?"

"Seven after I destroy Uranus"

[Kona]

(03-22-2016 05:45 PM)Irenicus Wrote:  

The king of the forest, a bear, in order to make some more money to cover Obamacare, opened a shop.

On the first day, rabbit comes in and asks the bear if he has any carrots. The bear says he does not.

On the next day, the rabbit comes again, asking for carrots. Again, the bear says he does not have any.

And the same happens each and every day, during the entire week. Eventually, the bear says to the rabbit:

Bear: "Listen up, jerk. Do you see that rifle hanging over the counter?"
Rabbit: "Yeah..."
Bear: "If I hear you mentioning carrots again, I will shoot you dead."
Rabbit:"Ok..."

Tomorrow, the rabbit comes again to the shop:

Rabbit: "Hello bear. Do you have any bullets?"
Bear: "No"
Rabbit: "And carrots?"

Nobody respects a good joke more than me.

Why fuck that one up with the anti-Obama rhetoric? Just keep it about the rabbit and the bear. Here's axsemi funny joke that I will ruin with politics:

A hooker goes to a new doctor because obamacare took her old one. She asks the doctor to have another vagina inserted into her hip.

The doctor asks why. She says:

"In order to pay for my Obamacare, I need to make some money on the side"

See, its no longer funny.

Aloha!

[Suits]

In order to pay for Obamacare, a New Yorker, a Californian and a Texan rob a bank.

They all manage to fill a bag full of cash before they hear sirens and decide that it's time to make a quick exit.

The cops chase them into a forest, where the three each climb a different tree.

The police catch up and hear some noise coming from the first tree where the New Yorker is hiding. They shout, "Whose there?"

The New Yorker says "Tweet tweet!"

The police say, "Must be a bird" and they move on.

The hear some noise coming from up the tree where the guy from California is hiding. The shout at the trees asking "who is there?" and they here "miao, miao!"

They assume its just a cat and keep going.

Then they hear a sound from the tree that the Texan climbed.

"Whose up there?" they ask.

The Texan responds, "Moooo! Mooo!"

[ed pluribus unum]

Q: What's the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?

A: I'm not paying $50 to have a lentil on my face...

[Requiem]

^That reminds me:

Talking to a girl:
Q: Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

A: I can't jelly my cock down your throat.

[ed pluribus unum]

(03-24-2016 03:52 AM)Requiem Wrote:  

^That reminds me:

Talking to a girl:
Q: Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

A: I can't jelly my cock down your throat.

Quote:

down your throat

Would also have accepted "in your ass."

Which reminds me:
"Do you know the difference between anal sex and pitching a tent?"
"No."
"Want to go camping this weekend?"

[CodyB]

(03-24-2016 04:54 PM)ed pluribus unum Wrote:  

(03-24-2016 03:52 AM)Requiem Wrote:  

^That reminds me:

Talking to a girl:
Q: Whats the difference between jam and jelly?

A: I can't jelly my cock down your throat.

Quote:

down your throat

Would also have accepted "in your ass."

But you can.

[Horus]

(03-22-2016 11:38 PM)Suits Wrote:  

In order to pay for Obamacare, a New Yorker, a Californian and a Texan rob a bank.

They all manage to fill a bag full of cash before they hear sirens and decide that it's time to make a quick exit.

The cops chase them into a forest, where the three each climb a different tree.

The police catch up and hear some noise coming from the first tree where the New Yorker is hiding. They shout, "Whose there?"

The New Yorker says "Tweet tweet!"

The police say, "Must be a bird" and they move on.

The hear some noise coming from up the tree where the guy from California is hiding. The shout at the trees asking "who is there?" and they here "miao, miao!"

They assume its just a cat and keep going.

Then they hear a sound from the tree that the Texan climbed.

"Whose up there?" they ask.

The Texan responds, "Moooo! Mooo!"

In order to pay for Obamacare, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman rob a bank.

While being chased by police, they turn a corner and enter an abandoned warehouse. On the floor they see three sacks which they hide inside.

The policeman enters and sees the sacks. He approaches the sack with the Englishman inside and gives it a kick.

When the Englishman yells "Woof woof," the policeman assumes it's a dog and moves to the next sack containing the Scotsman and gives it a kick.

When the Scotsman says "Meow, meow" the policeman assumes it's a cat and moves on to the third sack containing the Irishman, and gives it a kick.

When the Irishman says "Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes,"........

[Kona]

(03-26-2016 04:09 AM)Horus Wrote:  

(03-22-2016 11:38 PM)Suits Wrote:  

In order to pay for Obamacare, a New Yorker, a Californian and a Texan rob a bank.

They all manage to fill a bag full of cash before they hear sirens and decide that it's time to make a quick exit.

The cops chase them into a forest, where the three each climb a different tree.

The police catch up and hear some noise coming from the first tree where the New Yorker is hiding. They shout, "Whose there?"

The New Yorker says "Tweet tweet!"

The police say, "Must be a bird" and they move on.

The hear some noise coming from up the tree where the guy from California is hiding. The shout at the trees asking "who is there?" and they here "miao, miao!"

They assume its just a cat and keep going.

Then they hear a sound from the tree that the Texan climbed.

"Whose up there?" they ask.

The Texan responds, "Moooo! Mooo!"

In order to pay for Obamacare, an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman rob a bank.

While being chased by police, they turn a corner and enter an abandoned warehouse. On the floor they see three sacks which they hide inside.

The policeman enters and sees the sacks. He approaches the sack with the Englishman inside and gives it a kick.

When the Englishman yells "Woof woof," the policeman assumes it's a dog and moves to the next sack containing the Scotsman and gives it a kick.

When the Scotsman says "Meow, meow" the policeman assumes it's a cat and moves on to the third sack containing the Irishman, and gives it a kick.

When the Irishman says "Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes,"........

This Japanese guy goes to the eye doctor.

They doctor says " I'm sorry sir, you have a cataract"

The Japanese guy say "I'm sorry too"

then he says "If I didntchave to pay for Obamacare, I'd have bought a Ramborgini"

Aloha!