Posts: 248
Threads: 0
Joined: Mar 2013
Reputation:
9
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-16-2013, 08:34 PM
I am about to complete 6 months in my first job after getting my engineering degree. It is a job I really like and has a rather good pay for an entry-level job without experience. I learn a lot and get to travel.
Some days ago the guy I work the closest with asked me to talk in private. He wanted to know how I felt after these 6 months and if there could be something I wanted to give an opinion about.
Well, after that part of the conversation, he stated something that left me speechless: Many of the guys working for the department thought I was too formal for what they are used to and they think I should be "less formal" or "relax" they say. He used arguments like: "Well, you know you are in a group of engineers from X (prestigious popular government college, where I also studied in after all) and you know how we talk and how we do things. So, just relax a bit." This guy also encouraged me to keep on working as well as I have done, telling me that I am easily the fastest learner he has worked with, and he thinks I will match his knowledge about what we do in just a couple months.
Since I joined this company I tried my best to treat everyone respectfully/politely but with assertiveness. Perhaps I learned to behave this way because I worked with engineering doctors for my final thesis in college. Everyday I dress my best (sometimes in jeans, when field work has to be done) and keep a relaxed body language (I am tall, about 6'7") but standing straight. I shake hands with everybody in the department and am willing to help out when asked.
Again, I was left speechless.
Now, please bear with me about the following. I will write some thoughts and I would really appreciate if you helped me find out if it's my hamster or something:
*Could It be that my personality makes them feel threatened because I do not fit the "herd" way of thinking?
*My partner also told me that my formal personality fits perfectly when we do interact with project directors and managers, but it's not as convenient when inside our department (100% male engineers).
*I believe that my formal and assertive way of speaking fits my physical appearance (somehow like a calm elephant), instead of talking loud with slang and jumping around like a kid.
Have you ever faced something like this?
Posts: 173
Threads: 0
Joined: Jan 2013
Reputation:
0
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-16-2013, 08:52 PM
What's the atmosphere like there? Do they "shoot the shit" much? Joke around with each other?
Posts: 908
Threads: 0
Joined: Dec 2011
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-16-2013, 09:34 PM
It is your first job so you should follow the example of those around you to determine what is normal behavior. But considering this guy isn't a supervisor who has a need to critique your behavior, especially about something so minor and innocuous, he may just be an effeminate gossip and busybody. You'll encounter all sorts of dysfunctional personalities in the work place. People like this may get off on trying to control you, tell you what to do, make you a submissive member of his herd - none of which is necessarily in your interest and all of which he may use to screw you over at a later date. If he isn't an authority figure, take it with a grain of salt.
Posts: 1,066
Threads: 0
Joined: Nov 2011
Reputation:
11
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-16-2013, 09:41 PM
If you trust him, and you think the other guys actually expressed discomfort at how formal you act, then the right move is to pay attention to it and try to be more personable with your team. Engineering is a highly collaborative profession, and it's important to be cooperative and generate personal relationships with the people who work alongside you.
It's also possible that he's wrong, and you're doing just fine. Don't let it get to you, just take the advice into consideration and act how you see fit.
What kind of engineering work are you doing?
Posts: 647
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2013
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-16-2013, 11:21 PM
You should be able to "chill" with your colleagues after hours, yeah?
Posts: 3,652
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2012
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-17-2013, 12:02 AM
I can't really add anything that hasn't been said already.
A little selective honesty would have gone a long way here because he surely went and reported everything to his buddies. Fulfilling his expectations of being the terrified intern surely could not hurt.
One of the laws of power is about playing the courtier. Basically you should have two different faces for dealing with coworkers compared to how you deal with management, it's more acting than lying. My guess is that you should make some steps to being a little less stiff with your coworkers but it's your call. You want to be a friendly subordinate to management and a human being to your coworkers.
What I usually do is give myself some "humanizing vices" if I ever threaten people with on the job performance (which happens a lot less often these days, haha). A good example would be low level functional alcoholism, smoking, chasing some strange butterfaced sluts, that sort of thing. When you see this humanizing vice done in romantic comedies designed to make the usually hot and privileged older female lead relate-able to ugly trailer park skanks, she's always clumsy.
You might want to pick up the 48 laws of power or something but my guess is that they're feeling a little threatened.
Posts: 2,198
Threads: 0
Joined: Dec 2012
Reputation:
30
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-17-2013, 12:21 AM
Invoke the Popeye Defense:
"I am what I am and that's all that I am."
Posts: 349
Threads: 0
Joined: Apr 2013
Reputation:
13
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-17-2013, 02:08 AM
Go in the bathroom at work and stand in front of the mirror.
Light up a cigarette.
Make pretend the reflection in the mirror is that PIECE OF SHIT who DARES to tell YOU how FORMAL you should conduct yourself in that GODDAM OFFICE.
You will act as formal as the goddam QUEEN OF ENGLAND if YOU DAMN well please.
You will button your buttons to the tippy top, stay well pressed congenial because YOU
YOU
hold yourself to a higher standard.
YOU WILL CARRY the burden of formality in that office and will CRUSH whoever dares oppose you.
Who the FUCK does that guy think he is. THe ambassador of casual flip flop wishy washyness. Fuck him, fuck them. You will carry the cross of formalism(sic) and the highest standards becAUse you are of the highest order and will lead a formal revolution on their ASSES.
Posts: 1,364
Threads: 0
Joined: Mar 2012
Reputation:
18
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-17-2013, 02:13 AM
Think about your Username OP. Fuck what they think. Do you see yourself with the company beyond 5 years? I wouldn't worry about co-workers. In and out. Unless you need them for networking purposes, keep them at a distance.
The cycle of disrespect can start with just an appetizer.
Posts: 2,109
Threads: 0
Joined: Aug 2012
Reputation:
70
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-17-2013, 02:35 AM
Don't listen to them in heart. Only on face.
Keep up the good-work, don't get involved in work cliques... Make friends w/the people 1 and 2 levels above you and keep calm, good-natured communication w/your colleagues at your level.
As for this guy giving advise, he sounds like a borderline sociopath. Just pay lip-service to him and his clique. Float in and out as you please. Gain everything, lose none of the work-ethic/promotion capabilities.
Don't bounce these types of ideas off the lone-wolf. Hes the last person you should ask about social group dynamics. If anything, just hint at meeting up w/this and this person. Ask him what he thinks about them...
WIA- For most of men, our time being masters of our own fate, kings in our own castles is short. Even those of us in the game will eventually succumb to ease of servitude rather than deal with the malaise of solitude
Posts: 908
Threads: 0
Joined: Dec 2011
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-17-2013, 03:58 AM
Quote: (04-16-2013 09:45 PM)topdog Wrote:
Quote: (04-16-2013 09:34 PM)Lemmo Wrote:
It is your first job so you should follow the example of those around you to determine what is normal behavior. But considering this guy isn't a supervisor who has a need to critique your behavior, especially about something so minor and innocuous, he may just be an effeminate gossip and busybody.
After the conversation, I figured out that the "healthiest" thing to do was to try and imitate what others do. But that isn't easy for me.
Regarding the guy that talked to me, I didn't describe him fully. I respect and admire him in many dimensions. He is madly good at what he does, he often leads the group (where to go to eat, what plans for the weekend, etc) and for what I've heard he's good with the ladies (besides having his main girlfriend). He's cool and smart. That is why I was surprised to hear this from him.
The next day another coworker, who is bad-ass and older than the others, gave me a piece of advice. Regarding that "group" of guys (4-5 guys, including the cool guy that talked to me): "Just be careful with them, I'm just sayin...".
Quote: (04-16-2013 09:34 PM)Lemmo Wrote:
You'll encounter all sorts of dysfunctional personalities in the work place. People like this may get off on trying to control you, tell you what to do, make you a submissive member of his herd - none of which is necessarily in your interest and all of which he may use to screw you over at a later date. If he isn't an authority figure, take it with a grain of salt.
That's the thing I suspect is happening.
In the end, I just want to enjoy my time while working. Maybe I cannot be everybodies' friend, but rather a likable acquaintance.
1. Don't trust anyone at the office until you have reason to do so.
2. Don't assume anyone at the office is a friend unless they've behaved as such for a few years. I've found it is less stressful to keep my social life and work life separate. I have good long time friends from work anyway but this was accidental and they generally weren't people I was actually working closely with on a day-to-day basis.
This guy just sounds like he is full of himself and trying to convey he is the big swinging dick of the group. Most likely, he'll mention in his self-assessment that he took the newbie under his wing. No need to be confrontational but in your mind you can dismiss it and move on. Just make sure your own behavior is within the bounds of what is expected at the office (which is different from becoming his obedient little pet).
Posts: 1,205
Threads: 0
Joined: Nov 2010
Reputation:
16
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-17-2013, 05:06 AM
I can't be sure exactly what is going on without observing the situation in person, but shaking hands with all of your coworkers every morning to me is a bit much. I'd say this is contributing to the thoughts that you're too formal.
Lots of the advice in this thread is rock solid. Do your best to keep work and personal life separate. Make sure you get a good read on people before you decide to really befriend them.
It may be hard to see this now, but status in a corporate environment is all relative, and in reality mostly everything about working in a corporation is artificial.
When (not if) you get another job you'll never talk to the majority of the people again and you probably won't give a shit about your supervisors or bosses. There are cases where someone takes a genuine interest in your development and becomes a mentor, but these situations are rare. You'll probably look back on the situation and realize you really have nothing in common with the people except the shared goal(you both want to make money). It's similar to looking back at high school, imagine that one of your teachers from HS was telling you to do something now, what would be your reaction? Fuck off? Yeah same here.
Bottom line, I wouldn't worry about it too much. Do your best to fit in, joke around a bit and befriend the people in the levels above you and you'll be fine.
Posts: 255
Threads: 0
Joined: Feb 2013
Reputation:
4
Coworkers think I should act less formal - WTF
04-17-2013, 06:35 AM
Why would you shake hands with someone every morning? You shake hands with someone you meet for the first time or haven't seen in a long time and don't know very well yet.