[nek]

Wisdom for the day:

I see alot of parallels between physical activity and game. One that stands out to me that i don't see discussed all too often is the poisons of perfectionism and ego.

Years back I started really getting at working out with a buddy of mine. At first we were making slow but steady progress for a while. For both of us, confidence was going up, life was good. About 7-8 months into it, we both stopped making gains. In fact, for some lifts, both of us went down a bit. Slowly but surely, my friend's interest and enthusiasm for the gym started to dwindle. Me, I kept on plugging through. Fast forward to now, my buddy is lifting infrequently at best and has lost alot of what he'd gained in terms of progress. Me? I'm kicking ass and taking names. So what was the difference? The difference was that when all of a sudden progress wasn't being made each week, I still stuck with it and eventually broke through. My buddy, when he wasn't making gains each week, became quickly discouraged. Now a personality trait that my buddy and I share (or at least shared at one point) is perfectionism. Perfectionism is an ego driven mechanism that wrecks all kinds of havoc. It will inhibit you from trying (because if you can say to yourself you didn't REALLY try at something, you can still tell yourself you're perfect. Whereas if you try with all your might and fail, your ego is shattered). But let me tell you something, you'll get nowhere in this life without taking risks. As with my friend, he couldn't deal with the fact that things weren't going perfectly, so he stopped trying. In his mind, why try if you can't be perfect? And look where it got him. If you let your ego get in the way, you'll never accomplish anything in your life. It will prevent you from growing, from trying.


Perfectionism is the ego mechanism that's really at the root of the fear of rejection for most men. Guys successful with women know they're not going win 100% of the time, and they don't let it get to them when they don't win. They can handle loss and keep plugging forward. Successful guys have confidence, but they don't need to be perfect. Successful guys have flaws and accept them. Unsuccessful guys suffer from a paradox: They need to feel perfect even though subconsciously they know this isn't possible. So what do they do? Instead of trying with women, they make excuses to not try so as to not put their sense of perfection on the line.

So the best advice I can give to any man trying to make progress in life is two-fold: 1) Kill your ego. Make fun of yourself in the mirror each night if you have to. You're ugly, you're short. Don't run from things, own them. Confidence doesn't come from a sense of being perfect, it comes from being okay with not being perfect. 2) Remember that perfection is the enemy of the good. Don't let not being perfect get in the way of being the best you that you can be.

Game on

[Lemmiwinks]

What you just wrote really resounded with me. It couldn't have come at a better time.

Well said.

[rmo]

For me the cure to game perfectionism and rejection fear is: ratio of meet to bang.

Even to best on here don't go very much lower than a ratio of 20:1. I wish I had a ratio of 5:1 but it's more like 40:1. Those moments when I really accept that I have to reach an objective of meeting 30-50 women in order to get laid I suddenly don't care about being perfect, just getting the numbers.

[Giovonny]

Cool post

(02-26-2013 11:07 PM)nek Wrote:  

So the best advice I can give to any man trying to make progress in life is two-fold: 1) Kill your ego. Make fun of yourself in the mirror each night if you have to. You're ugly, you're short. Don't run from things, own them. Confidence doesn't come from a sense of being perfect, it comes from being okay with not being perfect. 2) Remember that perfection is the enemy of the good. Don't let not being perfect get in the way of being the best you that you can be.

Game on

Good advice

[soup]

Great- you pinpointed me.

[The Pirate]

(02-26-2013 11:07 PM)nek Wrote:  

So the best advice I can give to any man trying to make progress in life is two-fold: 1) Kill your ego. Make fun of yourself in the mirror each night if you have to. You're ugly, you're short. Don't run from things, own them. Confidence doesn't come from a sense of being perfect, it comes from being okay with not being perfect. 2) Remember that perfection is the enemy of the good. Don't let not being perfect get in the way of being the best you that you can be.

Is it not what the fat western girl with attitude like a 10 tells herself,and are being told by the whole feminist culture and friends?

[Aer]

Ever since I was a child this has always been my issue. With running, lifting, and schoolwork.

Any ways which I can combat it? I know to try things out of my comfort zones, but what? And how?

[loki]

good advice

[pitt]

Great post, i just kinda disagree with the last sentence. I dont think you should kill your confidence with ''you are short, you are ugly'' morning ritual, being ''realistic'' can be depressive. Do the opposite, always elevate your confidence. You can create a ''hybrid system'' if you think you need to mention your flaws to elevate your confidence, ''I am short but handsome'', "ugly but with super style''.

[Hades]

I kill my ego by saying this in the mirror.
"You can fuck up, Hades. The guys who are really fucking up are the ones who don't try."

[Veloce]

I thought about this thread coming back from the gym.

Lifting weights is a great ego-check. There is no room for interpretation in the weight room. 200 lb is always 200 lb. You can't fake completing reps. You can't talk your way through it. The gym is a great mirror, a place to take a real look at yourself and measure up; are you as strong as you want to be? Could be? As ripped? There's no second opinions, there's no friends to reassure you, "Oh, you're fit enough." You either hit your reps and put more weight on, or you don't. If you don't, that's fine, some hard work will take care of it. But you only progress through hard work, not by bullshitting your way through or deluding anyone.

[guerrilla]

Dis is what everyone from RSD to the Buddha to the bagavad gita has been to preaching for success and happiness: kill your ego. Good stuff.

[soup]

(03-12-2013 05:41 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

I thought about this thread coming back from the gym.

Lifting weights is a great ego-check. There is no room for interpretation in the weight room. 200 lb is always 200 lb. You can't fake completing reps. You can't talk your way through it. The gym is a great mirror, a place to take a real look at yourself and measure up; are you as strong as you want to be? Could be? As ripped? There's no second opinions, there's no friends to reassure you, "Oh, you're fit enough." You either hit your reps and put more weight on, or you don't. If you don't, that's fine, some hard work will take care of it. But you only progress through hard work, not by bullshitting your way through or deluding anyone.

I agree, but muscles don't always equal power in our society. For me the question is- am I doing everything I can to get where I want to be, or to be what I want to be?

[nek]

(03-12-2013 12:14 AM)The Pirate Wrote:  

(02-26-2013 11:07 PM)nek Wrote:  

So the best advice I can give to any man trying to make progress in life is two-fold: 1) Kill your ego. Make fun of yourself in the mirror each night if you have to. You're ugly, you're short. Don't run from things, own them. Confidence doesn't come from a sense of being perfect, it comes from being okay with not being perfect. 2) Remember that perfection is the enemy of the good. Don't let not being perfect get in the way of being the best you that you can be.

Is it not what the fat western girl with attitude like a 10 tells herself,and are being told by the whole feminist culture and friends?

No, she's being delusional. What I'm talking about is accepting your flaws moreso than denying them or necessarily thinking they're assets (which is what these western women you speak of tend to do). Being okay with your flaws is important in getting rid of anxiety. Being a delusional cow is well...being a delusional cow...

[nek]

(03-12-2013 07:16 PM)soup Wrote:  

(03-12-2013 05:41 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

I thought about this thread coming back from the gym.

Lifting weights is a great ego-check. There is no room for interpretation in the weight room. 200 lb is always 200 lb. You can't fake completing reps. You can't talk your way through it. The gym is a great mirror, a place to take a real look at yourself and measure up; are you as strong as you want to be? Could be? As ripped? There's no second opinions, there's no friends to reassure you, "Oh, you're fit enough." You either hit your reps and put more weight on, or you don't. If you don't, that's fine, some hard work will take care of it. But you only progress through hard work, not by bullshitting your way through or deluding anyone.

I agree, but muscles don't always equal power in our society. For me the question is- am I doing everything I can to get where I want to be, or to be what I want to be?

Kobe Bryant once said that he wants to be remembered for overachieving, for 'squeezing every drop of juice out of this orange'. This is the mentality of success.

[nek]

(03-12-2013 05:41 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

I thought about this thread coming back from the gym.

Lifting weights is a great ego-check. There is no room for interpretation in the weight room. 200 lb is always 200 lb. You can't fake completing reps. You can't talk your way through it. The gym is a great mirror, a place to take a real look at yourself and measure up; are you as strong as you want to be? Could be? As ripped? There's no second opinions, there's no friends to reassure you, "Oh, you're fit enough." You either hit your reps and put more weight on, or you don't. If you don't, that's fine, some hard work will take care of it. But you only progress through hard work, not by bullshitting your way through or deluding anyone.

MMA/boxing training is great for this as well. It's the ultimate sink or swim. You get knocked out or you don't. Submitted or you don't. Some guys definitely let their egos get in the way of asking for help. In my gym, if some guy does some crazy shit that chokes me out I ask him how to do it, I get better. I don't shy away. THERE'S ALWAYS SOMEONE BETTER THAN YOU. And even if you are No. #1 right now, that too shall pass. Be the best you that you can be at the time.

[nek]

(03-12-2013 03:20 AM)Aer Wrote:  

Ever since I was a child this has always been my issue. With running, lifting, and schoolwork.

Any ways which I can combat it? I know to try things out of my comfort zones, but what? And how?

You sound like me. Honestly you just got to dive in, treat it like a free fall. Hell life is a free fall, we have far less control than we think we do (look at that meteor that hit in Russia). Also, up your testosterone levels. This will add to your 'go get shit done mentality'. Do you beat off? Stop. If this is hard at first, at the very least stop watching porn if you do it. The 'beating off is/is not ok' is somewhat up for debate, as from a 'natural' standpoint this behaviour is seen in other primate species. The porn thing is not. Doing this helps your testosterone levels. Lift, eat right, high intensity cardio. Best of luck.

[nek]

(03-12-2013 04:50 AM)pitt Wrote:  

Great post, i just kinda disagree with the last sentence. I dont think you should kill your confidence with ''you are short, you are ugly'' morning ritual, being ''realistic'' can be depressive. Do the opposite, always elevate your confidence. You can create a ''hybrid system'' if you think you need to mention your flaws to elevate your confidence, ''I am short but handsome'', "ugly but with super style''.

Thanks for the positive feedback. I didn't say kill your confidence, I said kill your ego. Here's a game applicable example: I know what my flaws are, so if some chick tries to call me out on them I'm ok with them because I haven't made an ego-investment into them (that's to say, if a girl calls me ugly, I'm calm, cool, and collected b/c my self image isn't shattered). Not being bothered is a much stronger source of confidence than thinking you have something going for you. Because if you think you're good looking and some girl laughs at your face and calls you ugly, you're gonna be a wreck. If you never invested your ego in this in the first place, it's not an issue. Ego investments are always bad investments.

And realistic is depressive. The truth hurts, but the truth will set you free. Once you start removing your ego from the equation, everything becomes very clear. I use to often catch myself going for a girl less out of raw horniness and more out of trying to prove or validate something. That was my ego talking. When your ego stops talking, your dick takes its turn at the podium, and oddly, this is a more objective approach. You go talk to that girl because you want to fuck her. That's it, that's all. If she rejects you, it only bothers you b/c you didn't get to nut inside her, not because your ego is bruised, since it should be dead anyways. Hope this helps.

[Veloce]

(03-12-2013 07:16 PM)soup Wrote:  

(03-12-2013 05:41 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

I thought about this thread coming back from the gym.

Lifting weights is a great ego-check. There is no room for interpretation in the weight room. 200 lb is always 200 lb. You can't fake completing reps. You can't talk your way through it. The gym is a great mirror, a place to take a real look at yourself and measure up; are you as strong as you want to be? Could be? As ripped? There's no second opinions, there's no friends to reassure you, "Oh, you're fit enough." You either hit your reps and put more weight on, or you don't. If you don't, that's fine, some hard work will take care of it. But you only progress through hard work, not by bullshitting your way through or deluding anyone.

I agree, but muscles don't always equal power in our society. For me the question is- am I doing everything I can to get where I want to be, or to be what I want to be?

I didn't necessarily mean that muscles are the end-all be-all, just that it's important for a man to challenge himself with absolutes. Can you do this? Yes, or no. There is no in-between.

[soup]

(03-13-2013 01:39 AM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

(03-12-2013 07:16 PM)soup Wrote:  

(03-12-2013 05:41 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

I thought about this thread coming back from the gym.

Lifting weights is a great ego-check. There is no room for interpretation in the weight room. 200 lb is always 200 lb. You can't fake completing reps. You can't talk your way through it. The gym is a great mirror, a place to take a real look at yourself and measure up; are you as strong as you want to be? Could be? As ripped? There's no second opinions, there's no friends to reassure you, "Oh, you're fit enough." You either hit your reps and put more weight on, or you don't. If you don't, that's fine, some hard work will take care of it. But you only progress through hard work, not by bullshitting your way through or deluding anyone.

I agree, but muscles don't always equal power in our society. For me the question is- am I doing everything I can to get where I want to be, or to be what I want to be?

I didn't necessarily mean that muscles are the end-all be-all, just that it's important for a man to challenge himself with absolutes. Can you do this? Yes, or no. There is no in-between.

Yes- no moving goal posts.

[Benoit]

(03-12-2013 12:14 AM)The Pirate Wrote:  

(02-26-2013 11:07 PM)nek Wrote:  

So the best advice I can give to any man trying to make progress in life is two-fold: 1) Kill your ego. Make fun of yourself in the mirror each night if you have to. You're ugly, you're short. Don't run from things, own them. Confidence doesn't come from a sense of being perfect, it comes from being okay with not being perfect. 2) Remember that perfection is the enemy of the good. Don't let not being perfect get in the way of being the best you that you can be.

Is it not what the fat western girl with attitude like a 10 tells herself,and are being told by the whole feminist culture and friends?

That's why a result of feminism is masculine women - they're being told to do masculine things.

If women want to piss standing up I won't let that stop me from still doing it.

[Stun]

(02-26-2013 11:07 PM)nek Wrote:  

1) Kill your ego. Make fun of yourself in the mirror each night if you have to. You're ugly, you're short. Don't run from things, own them. Confidence doesn't come from a sense of being perfect, it comes from being okay with not being perfect.

Great advice! My buddy in SF used make new guys approach girls in union square with a roll of toilet paper and say, "Excuse me, do you know where the bathroom is?"

Do whatever it takes to get over any self preoccupation and ego-protection.

[4profit]

Awesome post, Nek. Thank you for the insights!

[snoop]

(03-12-2013 05:41 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

I thought about this thread coming back from the gym.

Lifting weights is a great ego-check. There is no room for interpretation in the weight room. 200 lb is always 200 lb. You can't fake completing reps. You can't talk your way through it. The gym is a great mirror, a place to take a real look at yourself and measure up; are you as strong as you want to be? Could be? As ripped? There's no second opinions, there's no friends to reassure you, "Oh, you're fit enough." You either hit your reps and put more weight on, or you don't. If you don't, that's fine, some hard work will take care of it. But you only progress through hard work, not by bullshitting your way through or deluding anyone.

sure you can, go to any gym and just look around, there will inevitably be people who do don't use proper form, shorten the range of motion, etc. all so they can appear to be using more weight.

[Stun]

(04-03-2013 08:27 PM)snoop Wrote:  

(03-12-2013 05:41 PM)thedude3737 Wrote:  

I thought about this thread coming back from the gym.

Lifting weights is a great ego-check. There is no room for interpretation in the weight room. 200 lb is always 200 lb. You can't fake completing reps. You can't talk your way through it. The gym is a great mirror, a place to take a real look at yourself and measure up; are you as strong as you want to be? Could be? As ripped? There's no second opinions, there's no friends to reassure you, "Oh, you're fit enough." You either hit your reps and put more weight on, or you don't. If you don't, that's fine, some hard work will take care of it. But you only progress through hard work, not by bullshitting your way through or deluding anyone.

sure you can, go to any gym and just look around, there will inevitably be people who do don't use proper form, shorten the range of motion, etc. all so they can appear to be using more weight.

I don't consider lifting weights to be an ego check in the sense that's helpful with women. Proper weightlifting will put you in the "alpha among men" category, and will help with a general sense of alpha with women. But if you're a weakling at heart it won't help much, and it won't markedly change your personality.

If anything, getting too buff and good-looking can be an ego-protection mechanism for guys. Doing things that challenge your ego and sense of self are much more helpful to becoming alpha with women.

What's harder to do psychologically - lift properly and eat right, or consistently approach hotties, putting your ego on the line? The answer should be obvious - and this is why we have a lot more buff guys walking around than Casanovas.

I say this as a lifelong athlete and weight lifter, in no way a hater of working out.