[TravelerKai]

Your main girlfriend is alot like my wife in alot of ways. I am guilty of shit testing her and it made her cry and fall apart, greatly surprising me. She cannot believe the way I think, but it is because of my past trauma in dealing with hardened people that makes me not as trusting as I should be of other's intentions.

Reminds me of J Cole and these lyrics on this song Head Bussa:

Quote:

Ok my granny just died, but I'm too broke to go
And she askin my fears but she too close to know
Got trust issues I'm trying, where it come from? Don't know
I just block out the pain, blow the fuck up, get dough.
See I thought that would help me, it turns out it's worse now
My girl want her first child, my label won't work out
My mama don't see me unless I'm on tv, I pray she don't break down
She strong but she need me

She knows what hell I went through with my exwife and she knows that I am trying. I feel you on the benevolent dictator thing. That is exactly how I am. I don't let her work, have a bank account, drive, or anything. Eventually, I will let her do those things except work for others. She can work for me in my business I will try to start soon.

She knows better than to object to my rules and really I don't think she ever really will because she is content with taking care of the baby and being a mother. She hears the complaining of Chinese women that have to work outside the house and still take care of their husbands, babies, etc. enough to know better I think, but part of me still wonders if she still wants to try it. The job she used to work in China is nothing compared to what a typical job in the US demands. It would be the rudest awakening ever for her. If you grow up in a slow paced part of China that is laid back, fast paced big city life could crush your spirit in a heartbeat. I have met enough Chinese college students that have left the US to go back home to know this lifestyle is not for everyone, that is not already indoctrinated in it.

I spend alot of my free time doing my hobbies, keeping up with my handful of friends, and spending time in the Manosphere. Only there I can relax and have stimulating conversations. Intellectual conversations with the wife are not necessary. She being Chinese can be quick to tell me that something too deep to discuss is beyond her comprehension or level of interest. That said she is very curious and asks lots of questions. She had very high grades throughout grade school so she is pretty smart, but she only went to a trade school more or less for college, so she is not some egghead person. I spend alot of time telling her about basic things about the US or whatever little stuff. Keeps us both busy. Discussing the Bible and Christ as well. Basically things that are more important than exploratory.

I get enough of mental exploration just browsing RVF and PM convos with a handful of the more higher repped guys, where we go back and forth on various topics or ideas on future write ups, etc.

So she is happy in her world, and I stay happy in both hers and mine. It's great when you can completely be at home in your own mind. A mental state beyond relaxed. If it were not for money issues, my life would be pretty much perfect.

All that said, never be surprised if you develop trust issues, have nasty flashbacks, or deep wounds come back to hinder you in your life journey. Keeping demons at bay and keeping personal issues in check is a constant struggle. Awareness helps, but the mind, unfortunately, is far more complex than that.

It can be hard to be happy when all the things you need to be happy are literally in your possession. You have to have the appropriate calling, wisdom, and understanding of what the end goal needs to be to, in order to overcome the mental "fog of war" aftereffects. The discernment required to understand real value when you see it, is not optional, but mandatory, otherwise you will throw her away like a piece of garbage and be none the wiser as to why you still have problems.

You are not the only one brother. Stand Firm.