If I could turn back time, I would:
0. Change my name to Roosh, register the
RooshV.com domain, and yoink the fabulous
Bang riches.
kidding, kidding.
I've actually given this some thought before. I'm not sure if I'd pick age 18 to talk to me, but--in general terms--if I could talk to the teenage, high-school me for ten minutes, I would say this:
Current Tuthmosis: Hey, dumb-ass, come over here. [whispering]
Young Tuthmosis: Oh shit! Who the fuck are you? You look like me. Security!
Current: Shhhh! Stop being such a fucking pussy. You disgust me. I
am you. I'm just older.
Young: What are you wearing? What's with all the accessories? Did you get your hands on that time machine?
Current: Yes. Now I only have
nine-and-half-minutes to talk to you. Shut the fuck up for a second and listen to me. [lightly punch myself in the fucking face]
1. Start taking chances, you gay fag.
Don't listen to your mother or your lame-ass friends. Big risks, big rewards. You know those girls you talk to every day who laugh at your jokes and smile at you? They like you. I know
for a fact that Amanda, Liz, Molly, Michelle B., Cindy, that skinny freshman on the bus, and at least another two or three others would go out with you in a heartbeat if you just grew enough of a sack. A few years after you leave high school, two of them will
actually tell you that they're crushing on you right now, but, by then, it will be too late to do something about it because they will have gotten uglier, fatter, and refuse to cheat on their boyfriends.
Even if you don't know for sure that they "like you," that's okay. Find out.
Rejection is better than regret. Or talk to them, go get a fucking slurpee with them, and
make them like you. Girls don't know what they want until we show them. Take them to their houses and try to fuck them.
It will never be easier than this. Stop making excuses that "you're looking for the right girl." You're full of shit, don't know what the fuck you're talking about, and just afraid.
Also, don't pass up all those girls from the neighborhood that are all over your dick because you think they're "too ghetto" and you're afraid you'll knock one up like Big Mario did. They're smoking hot, their moms are practically placing them on your bed, and wear a goddamn condom. They work, idiot.
2. Upgrade your friend pool.
I know you enjoy the "hilarious bantering conversations" you have with your buddies, but you can't just hang out with those nerds 24/7. Branch out. Add guys that have an actual social life, go to parties, and know what they're doing with girls. Believe it or not,
your social skills are way more valuable than your academic skills. When you get to college, you'll see what I mean. They are a lot of successful dumb-asses in the world. In fact, in a few years, one of them will become fucking president. There are also lots of homeless geniuses. Get your shit straight. And, don't listen to your mom. A few puffs of Marijuana or a beer won't turn you into a junkie. It might actually get you laid regularly.
3. Don't get into a long-term relationship when you're young.
You're about to make a serious mistake. Since you don't really know anything about girls beyond the basics, you're going to stop thinking straight when you meet this "cool" girl next month. You'll be so distracted by her that you'll gradually de-rail a big chunk of your prime years in this "relationship." She's not bad-looking, and she'll be fun for a while, but realize there are, literally, millions of girls like her. Enjoy your time with her, but realize that you'll be swimming in hot college girls that are as good, or better, and are dying to get laid. Meanwhile you'll be sitting around holding hands with a girl that I, today, wouldn't spend more than minimal effort hitting on. Shop around, player.
4. Dress better and get a haircut.
Look at you. You look like shit, dude. I wouldn't wear that t-shirt to bed, never mind walking around. I don't even remember owning those pants. Spend your money on some nice, cool clothes and get that mop of yours layered or structured somehow. You'll feel better and be happier. Trust me.
5. Go abroad.
At this rate, you're not going to take a real trip abroad for a long-ass time. But there's nothing like traveling to change your entire perspective and broaden your mind in a way you don't even understand with that fucking melon of yours. Sign up for the study abroad program when you get to college and go somewhere cool for a semester or longer. Bang some foreign girls, learn another language, and see the world. Dump the girlfriend and be free like a pelican.
C'mon pelican! Oh, and stop being an idealist, realize that people are horrible, and take care of yourself.
Current Tuthmosis: Alright, homie, that's all the time I have. I gotta go or the portal will close. One last piece of advice: invest in a thing called Google. Trust me.
Real talk.