[Conscious Pirate]

http://www.humansofstraya.com

Was just passed this by a mate on FB. Can't contain my mirth. The content reads like a true RVFer. Enjoy boys

[Deluge]

Are you making fun of 'Strayans? I'll faarking glass you cunt.

Quote:

Drape - his middle-class, black enough to be cool, but white enough not to be scary, music is fun and relatable

[Uzisuicide]

Website thread title and pointless thread.

[Benoit]

The writing is great.

Quote:

Hi there, so excited you’re talking to me. I’m Rebecca Plump. But people call me Bekky. Just joking, people don’t call me. At all. I keep posting group photos. My profile photo is a group photo. My cover photo is a group photo. Every photo in my timeline is a group photo. Yes, that means I’m the ugly one in every photo, trying to hide myself amongst my better looking friends.

Quote:

Did I mention I’m curvaceous? I use the word curvaceous to redefine what most people would describe as “gruesomely obese and incomprehensibly still alive” to mean “oh wow I almost thought you were Jenny, Jenny from the Block, you’re soo curvaceous, num nums”. So yeah I mean ‘curvaceous’ as in “Latino” not “Leggos”.

Quote:

I, Kylie, am on the prowl. Tonight I hope I can find a man who is the complete package. A balanced guy. A balance between drunk enough to fuck me and sober enough to get an erection to fuck me. I need to trap a man into getting me pregnant soon. My pussy is so damp at the thought of having a child to give my life meaning and a fortnightly payment from Centrelink. I’m sopping wet, I need to wear a diaper it feels like I’ve pissed myself. I’m looking for any guy, even a weird Irish guy, just anyone to throw a load up me and hopefully fertilise one of my few remaining dehydrated raisin eggs before I become completely barren and dusty. Please, someone. I can’t be fucked working anymore, I just want a child and a home I can decorate with cushions.

[dads]

This is pretty funny and I'm glad it's been brought to my attention.

[FANATICAL]

Dead on and very funny.... Aussie girls are "curvaceous" / drunk boner terminators. Even worse, if you get a hot one she is running Man1.0 software and is a total huffpost feminazi.

[zombiejimmorrison]

Oh god that's funny, the group photo one is spot on. Never have I lost a bet to myself when I'm on tinder and I get a group photo, its always the ugly one, always.

[FireStarter]

http://www.humansofstraya.com/post/10745...-with-your

Quote:

Hi I’m Janet. I’m sorry I can’t help with your admin task even though I’m in Office Administration Support. I’ve got to leave work at 2.30 to pick my kids up at 4.00. I wear sneakers with my work pants and sandals with dresses because I always have to be comfy and everything needs to be easy. I just don’t have time running around after two kids, they don’t come with an instruction manual you know!!! HAHAHA. Did I say I have kids? Cayleb is 9, he said his first word yesterday! Jrakob is 2 and he poops sooo well for his age, he’s one of the best shitters in his playgroup. Should I tell you more about his diarrhea while you make a coffee in the staff kitchen? Being a mother is theeee world’s toughest job. It’s almost as tough as my real job, I’m a part-time assistant office administration specialist. I work Mondays and on Thursdays from 10 till 10.30. So what I do is hoard any type of stationery that you need and actually use. Here, you can only have a dark purple highlighter. Other than that, I spend most of my time organising social club events for myself and 4 other ‘yummy mummies’ in this office of 500 people. You should buy a $9 raffle ticket to win a dry muffin from our office bake-off. Do you want to buy a fundraiser Caramello Koala for my son’s useless soccer team? What else can I pressure you into doing? Oh, guess the number of jellybeans in this giant jar that I’ve stuffed inside my floppy womb so I can feel the joy of pregnancy again. I know, be part of our office Secret Santa Kringle! I’ll give you some of the good stationery I’ve been hoarding and expect an overpowering perfume candle and a tin of ylang-ylang scented tea from T2 in return. Can you sign this card for Carol’s fourth maternity leave gift in five years while I stand over you and make sure you put $40 in. Thanks darling!

The other ones are funny but "Janet" perfectly describes some women I've worked with, they constantly complained about how busy they were but spent most of the day doing the same things as Janet or checking Facebook

[DJ-Matt]

Quote:

My name is Callum Drendle, but my online alias is TacticalBlanket. I have a question, is it mandatory to have a baby to hire a babysitter? Can I just pay a teen to come over and watch TV and play XBox with me then become my bukkake canvas?

[big poppa]

This shit is hilarious

[kaotic]

What the fuck am I reading and who the fuck writes this HILARIOUS shit ?

Quote:

No thanks, I don’t need a spotter. I’m Martin Lovehandle, part time exerciser and casual fitness guru. My personal trainer told me I need to do some exercise so I don’t die early and my wife told me I need to do some exercise so she doesn’t fuck my personal trainer. That’s made me question if I should exercise to delay my inevitable death by a few years, or not exercise and hopefully die sooner. My wife told me that when we have sex in the missionary position she tries not to vomit because my pectoral muscles remind her of Gwen Stefani’s A-Cups and she hates lesbians. I guess I’ll just give this exercise thing a half hearted go like everything else I attempt.

[Thoroughbred]

Quote:

I’m also on a diet that my wife’s friend gave me. It’s a new one where you scream at a loaf of bread and throw pasta up some stairs.

Lost my shit.

[kaotic]

(02-19-2015 07:16 PM)Ollave Wrote:  

Quote:

I’m also on a diet that my wife’s friend gave me. It’s a new one where you scream at a loaf of bread and throw pasta up some stairs.

Lost my shit.

I literally had to stop reading all this, I was fucking busting up in my office lmao.

[philosophical_recovery]

(02-19-2015 06:56 AM)Benoit Wrote:  

The writing is great.

Quote:

Hi there, so excited you’re talking to me. I’m Rebecca Plump. But people call me Bekky. Just joking, people don’t call me. At all. I keep posting group photos. My profile photo is a group photo. My cover photo is a group photo. Every photo in my timeline is a group photo. Yes, that means I’m the ugly one in every photo, trying to hide myself amongst my better looking friends.

Quote:

Did I mention I’m curvaceous? I use the word curvaceous to redefine what most people would describe as “gruesomely obese and incomprehensibly still alive” to mean “oh wow I almost thought you were Jenny, Jenny from the Block, you’re soo curvaceous, num nums”. So yeah I mean ‘curvaceous’ as in “Latino” not “Leggos”.

Quote:

I, Kylie, am on the prowl. Tonight I hope I can find a man who is the complete package. A balanced guy. A balance between drunk enough to fuck me and sober enough to get an erection to fuck me. I need to trap a man into getting me pregnant soon. My pussy is so damp at the thought of having a child to give my life meaning and a fortnightly payment from Centrelink. I’m sopping wet, I need to wear a diaper it feels like I’ve pissed myself. I’m looking for any guy, even a weird Irish guy, just anyone to throw a load up me and hopefully fertilise one of my few remaining dehydrated raisin eggs before I become completely barren and dusty. Please, someone. I can’t be fucked working anymore, I just want a child and a home I can decorate with cushions.

Don't forget:

Quote:

I’m thirsty. I’ve spent $190 on drinks. Meanwhile my friends have been paid over $3000 to take drinks from some of these guys. One guy gave one of my hot friends his wallet and his watch. One of my friends needed to go to the bathroom and a guy offered his mouth as a toilet. Another guy laid on the floor to let one of my friends dance on him. One of my friends dropped her glass and a guy offered to buy her a Dan Murphys and he cleaned up the broken glass with his chest by doing the worm before passing out from blood loss. This other guy literally gave his left testicle to talk to one of my friends. He smashed his iPhone and used the sharp edge of the aluminium case to castrate himself and offered his ball to her in a shot glass. She told him she has a boyfriend but she doesn’t. I had an imaginary boyfriend but it turns out he was only with me to try to sleep with my hot friends. I’m going to do a ghostie and see if anyone notices I’ve gone home, which they wont. Fuck it I’m going to get a kebab and pretend it’s a guy who picked me up in the club and deep throat it in a taxi on the way home

Whoever wrote this understands real thirst on both sides of the equation.

[AntiTrace]

Quote:

, Kylie, am on the prowl. Tonight I hope I can find a man who is the complete package. A balanced guy. A balance between drunk enough to fuck me and sober enough to get an erection to fuck me.

[philosophical_recovery]

Quote:

I love burlesque, cabaret and circus. I do all three, at the same time. I dress up in a lace bra and panties, and groan loudly while trying to balance on a podium. Burlesque is great. It’s a way for people too ugly to be strippers to be strippers. We can force other fat burlesque trolls to watch us and we can all join in the collective approval of our horrendous bodies.

[RexImperator]

Some funny bits in there for sure...

Quote:


http://www.humansofstraya.com/image/107453104903

Anyway, I could eat cheeseburgers all day with the number of squats, thrusts and lunges I do to my anus and it would look exactly like the marble sculpted masterpiece that it is. I do eat lots of one superfood though: instagram likes. Nothing has more protein, vitamins, minerals and potent antioxymorons as instagram likes.

Also, "FutureDouche" would be a great forum handle.

[tarquin]

Ok,

which one of you is it:

http://www.humansofstraya.com/post/10745...le-call-me

Quote:

"I’m Stacey, I think. I’m not sure. People call me Stace. Or Stacebug. Haha. I’m going on a date tonight, but I’m not sure if I should go or not. He suggested Thai food and I looooveee Thai food. But I don’t feel like Thai food so I said noto Thai food. Maybeeee I feel like Mexican, but nothing spicy. Like non-spicy Mexican. Or maybe I could have a fat day and have Grill’d but not with meat. Like a chickpea burger. But I feel like meat. I’m cold, are you cold? You aren’t cold? How can you not be cold? It’s like midday and you’re not cold? Can I borrow your jumper, I’ll give it back. So this other guy suggested going to the movies tonight. I might do both. I’m not sure. I don’t know what to see, do you know what’s out? I don’t like movies with subtitles. Is there another Sex and the City movie out? I’m totally going to live in New York and be Carrie. That reminds me, I don’t like curry. I’ll tell the first guy that and let him narrow down what I like by getting him to suggest things then saying no to them. He’s a guy, he should decide what I can be bothered eating. I want a guy who just takes control, but not like too much control, like enough control so I’m in control but he’s like more in control because men are meant to be in control, but not like kiss me when I don’t want to because that’s like rape. He needs to be in control but remember I’m an independent woman. Like he needs to know when to kiss me but not like, assskkk! That ruins the mood. I want a guy to throw me on a bed, hold me down and make love to me, but not like in too much of a controlling rapey way. Eww rape is gross. I’m hot, here you can have your jumper back.”

Gold, Jerry, Gold

Looks like the Wall is strong in this one:

http://www.humansofstraya.com/post/10745...ssants-ive

Quote:

"I’m existing in a cloud of anti-depressants. I’ve taken three Xanax to dull the pain of a life of doing nothing. When menopause ended, my uterus turned to sawdust. One day I was out doing my favourite thing - walking aimlessly in a shopping centre blocking people from getting past - and my sawdust uterus fell out the leg of my pants like a prison escape movie. I’ve never felt the same again. My children hate me"

I'm dying here.

[StrikeBack]

Losing my shit at the Rebecca Plump's entry!

Makes me so proud of this big beautiful country!

[Ziltoid]

Wow, holy shit.

So which one of you guys is this? haha

[AnonymousBosch]

^ I have no idea, but I want to buy whoever it a slab.

[OBJ Snakebite]

(02-19-2015 10:51 PM)Ziltoid Wrote:  

Wow, holy shit.

So which one of you guys is this? haha

Let's see... Who's in Croatia? I think I remember Handsome Creepy Eel talk about it.

[ManVsMachine]

Stacey fits the description of almost every American 6-7 around.

[Deluge]

(02-19-2015 11:26 PM)OBJ Snakebite Wrote:  

(02-19-2015 10:51 PM)Ziltoid Wrote:  

Wow, holy shit.

So which one of you guys is this? haha

Let's see... Who's in Croatia? I think I remember Handsome Creepy Eel talk about it.

There's a lot of Croats and other Yugoslavs in Australia. And you wouldn't even need to be one to write that.

[Sidney Crosby]

That Croatian one was my favourite