This will be my last post from Italy. Honestly, it won't be a mindblowing read, but I feel like I should put an ending to this saga.
I can hardly believe it's been six months since I've left Brazil.
My stint here in Italy has been a huge success in some ways, and a bitter failure in others. This has been my first time living abroad in a place where I knew literally no one before arriving and I've learned a lot from this experience.
Italian regions can be very particular, but for privacy reasons, I'll just say that I was living in Northeastern Italy.
Good stuff first...
I have accomplished my #1 goal: I've been recognized as an Italian citizen and, thus, an EU citizen. I now hold two passports, each of which has its own benefits and opens up doors around the world both for travelling and long-term living. If nothing else came out of this whole thing, I'd be happy to have accomplished this goal.
Getting all the documents for the citizenship application, translating it and organizing it was laborious. I even had to travel to pick shit up in person because one of the documents I needed was in a small town and the records department didn't reply via email nor phone.
But that being said, all I had to do (after finding a residence) was fill out some application forms and wait. Nothing was contested or had to be reviewed. I sat on my thumb for two months and received a letter saying it was done. I heard at lot about Italian bureaucracy before getting here and after arriving, but coming from Brazil, it wasn't
that bad. I'm glad I didn't pay a consultant to run the process for me.
I enjoyed the experience of living in a place where the speed of things is so different from a megalopolis like my hometown of São Paulo. Europe in general has a slower pace than what I'm used to, but that's even more evident when you go to mid-size or small cities. (I enjoyed the experience, but honestly the boredom was greater than the reward.)
This period was a great opportunity to experience European life. You can drive as little as a couple of hours and end up in a place with a language, culture and people very different from where you started - I love that. And as much as there are cons to the EU as it is structured, travelling within Schengen is very practical and comfortable.
Another plus is I've managed to learn conversational Italian despite my lack of effort in studying it regularly - I mostly watched movies with Italian subtitles, looked up words on Google Translate and tried to talk to people for an hour or two a day.
Lastly, I must say that I've learned a lot about self-reliance, making friends and dealing with loneliness during my time here.
As I stated above, I've been living in a place where I knew literally no one and had never set foot in previous to my arrival.
Honestly, making friends was much, much harder than I thought it would be, which brings me to my least favorite parts about the last few months.
Let me preface this by saying that, first and foremost, I take full responsibility over the issues below. I would do some things differently should I start over again, but I recognize that my behavior was the biggest component of what I consider to be a fail in integrating.
To get started: women wise, this trip was an absolute failure. It was a perfect storm of me (initially) not speaking Italian, them not speaking English, social circles being tight, nightlife being very limited, and me eventually giving up on gaming.
To a certain degree, those are also the same things that made making male friendships here difficult.
Here's what you have to understand:
- The majority of Italians - especially outside big cities like Milan, Florence or Rome - don't know English. This is less true for younger people, but still applies.
- Out of those who have some knowledge, few are capable of, or open to, having a conversation in English.
- Italians are passionate, short-tempered and often rude. Other than maybe France, I've never been to a country where people are so unwilling to be a little patient and understanding with you as a foreigner. This also goes if you are trying to learn the language. There is no positive reinforcement. You are expected to
simply know Italian, or you run the risk of being shouted at and ridiculed (had it happen to me many times).
- Socializing and having free time are very valuable in Italian culture. Most people have long term friendships, and meet with friends and family at least a couple times a week (for some it's a daily activity). People are very social, but only within their circle, which they have been building and keeping for their whole lives.
- Generally speaking, Northern Italians are colder than the Southern. They are more stern, don't like to touched, don't like PDA, etc.
- Alcohol is a HUGE part of the culture.
Put together in the context of a small or mid-size town, these factors result in an atmosphere that makes socializing very difficult if you are a foreigner (even more so if you don't drink).
I tried going out solo at night, but there weren't many options available and most of them were sit down bars where everyone is in their little circle, and after interacting with you for a moment, go right back into it. Clubs were few and a far cry from the ones I frequented in SP.
The language barrier and brashness of some people here, even when running simple errands during the day, would really rub me the wrong way and leave a bad taste in my mouth, which over time killed my mojo.
Although I've travelled for long periods by myself, this time I couldn't get a good vibe going when rolling solo.
I tried befriending other foreigners, like expats and University exchange students. But I was in an atypical situation here - because I was a foreigner requesting a citizenship, I couldn't legally work; and since i already had an University degree, I had no interest in enrolling in a long term course. The students mostly socialized among each other, and the expats were older and I didn't feel like I fit in (I'm mid twenties, they are 35+).
Even the guys I met through martial arts, and who I got along with quite well, wouldn't invite me out or want to hang out too much outside practice.
I focused on improving my Italian skills so I could day game. When my Italian finally got up to speed and I was able to hod conversations (maybe 6 weeks ago), I realized that most people I would meet and the girls I'd talk to were boring as shit (I'm sure many guys who have traveled and lived abroad can relate). Most guys were as dull, if not worse, and I more often than not felt the opposite of an "abundance mentality". Everybody wanted to protect their territory.
I was frustrated and felt alone. I started hanging out more and more in my apartment and avoided going out. During August, my weightlifting gym and martial arts gym were closed for summer break (probably 30% of businesses were closed during that time, crazy), and some of my local buddies were out of town too, which only made it worse.
I know myself well enough to know that locking myself up at home is dangerous for my mood, but I couldn't help it. I couldn't muster the energy to go out, inevitably spend money and, if everything went according to plan, meet someone that would bore me to tears.
A few weeks ago I decided I would leave as soon as I got everything in order, and from then on I really gave up on following any leads and approaching.
Luckily, during these months I had the chance to do some travelling here and there and got a few bangs that kept me sane, but while in town I was basically an incel.
Interestingly enough, this weekend was my last here, so I organized a little aperitivo to say goodbye to everyone I'd befriended during my stay. I almost didn't follow through with it - I was just so let down by everyone and, especially, by my own weakness in basically "giving up".
To my shock, many people showed up and the hugs and love they gave me when we said goodbye for a last time was incredible.
That's when I realized that I wasn't doing anything properly wrong, I was just in a path that would still take a while to work out. I did make good friends, but even though I was open to them from day one, they were still getting accustomed to me four or five months in.
As I look back, I can see that this part of the world just has a different speed and a level of resistance to everyone and everything - be it food, culture, music, technology (plenty of people still use brick phones!).
Should I have stayed here for another six or twelve months, I'm confident that I would be integrated well, have a couple of good friends and maybe a local girlfriend.
If I could go back in time, I would have studied the language more and been more insistent and aggressive (in a good way) inviting people to hang out, eat, etc. I wanted to respect their space and culture, so I let it all happen at their pace. Would it have worked? Not sure, but I would feel better if I had tried it. You live and you learn.
I'd also have waited out more and not chosen the apartment I did to live in. This place depressed the hell out of me for a number of reasons, the bed wrecked my back, and my
stinky flatmate, although nice and polite to an extreme, was absolutely disgusting to live with.
All in all, I'm very happy to be leaving. At this point in my life, if I'm going to invest in a town for a few years, I'd like it to have combination of good business/job potential, family or friends nearby, and good girls. This area doesn't really excel at any of those.
Tomorrow I leave Europe to visit my family. I haven't seen them in a year, so I'm excited to stay with them for a while, and from there I will figure out my next steps. Come back to Europe? Head to Brazil? Not sure yet - I'll let that simmer in my head for a while.
So, to conclude - would I ever come back to this place, or would I recommend it to anyone?
Despite the many negatives I've mentioned, I should point out that this would be a great area, in my opinion, to settle down and raise kids. For a young single guy... not so much.
Food is fresh and amazing, and the balance between work and free time is very skewed towards living an enjoyable life. There's a great sense of community and most people have lifelong, fulfilling friendships.
Because of its geographical location, this area has a great mix of Germanic, Eastern European and Italian, and girls are quite beautiful. Diet and exercise are a problem, but as long as you make a good pick, I see potential - divorce rates are increasing but Italy is still very conservative in regards to marriage and women tend to stick to their husbands.
Climate-wise, it's also quite nice year round. And within a few hours by car or train, you can be at a beach in Croatia, the Alps bordering Switzerland, some great lakes and parks in Slovenia, or nice towns in Central Italy.
The TLDR version is: come only if you already know, or will learn, Italian. And if you are willing to spend
at least one year here. Definitely don't come for easy bangs.
It's funny how things pan out.
I thought I'd make a killing with girls and live a debaucherous few months abroad while I figured out my future.
Instead, I burned through much more money than I thought I would, became a quasi-incel, killed my swagger, made some friends - and the citizenship itself, which I thought would be an impossible mission, was a walk in the park.
I come out more resilient, experienced and appreciative of my friends, family and life. I can't wait to use this knowledge and see where it leads me.
Thank you for following this journey.
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