[Bienvenuto]

I don't have much time so I’ll fire this off and hopefully you guys will see something that you think worth commenting on, giving advice on.



About me: 43 year old white Brit. 6’4” 193cm 95 kg. (good looking guy )



Just arrived in SE Asia to teach English.

Background: 

Childhood was a classic exercise in single mother bullshit complete with sexual physical (and mental/ emotional) abuse and craziness.


My dad was a bad father in some respects but ultimately a good man powerless in the face of a crazy woman, her d!ckhead psycho boyfriends and a gynocentric state/ divorce system. he did make sure however that I went to a good school, got a good education and drank beer, played rugby, learnt how to fight etc. etc. I had a pretty violent early life ..although I’m sure that is a relative thing.

After University I had lot of psychological issues and I moved to London and got involved with Buddhism as a lifeline. A religion I still have faith in.



I lived in East London in hipster shoreditch in white middle class Buddhist centres, buddhist communities and squats and Housing coops sharing with 16 other people at a time: white middle class.. anarchists, god squad, artists, buddhists Marxists, : it was pure sjw crap but in those days at least it was unfashionable and everyone else around us just took the piss out of us.

I paid the cheap rent, kept my head down, played rugby and did my buddhist practice.


My old school uni friends ran for the hills and publicly divorced me. Fair enough.



Over time I got fed up with SJW territory and lies and tried at the age of 31 to retrain as an artist to realise my dreams of making graphic novels. 2 years later I wasn't much better as an artist but i was broke and in debt.



I moved around the country and picked up what work my shit CV could find. You name it I did it. All the time I worked on my prose novel which I have by now written 725 pages of. Its only a rough first draft though.



That effort got delayed by events.

I was working for public-private partnership property firm when I went on a city break to Norway where I got “culturally enriched” 3am one night I got surrounded by muslim guys telling me that they were going to “kill me” it was “their turf” I wasn't l”ike them” they “owned” that town blah blah etc. I thought that they would just give me a sh! t kicking,

the fight went on for ages and the last several minutes police estimated that between five and seven of them involved on their side had me on the ground unconscious spread eagled using my head as a football.

Witnesses said my head only moved when they kicked or stamped on it.
When police turned up they said in court that there was blood all over the cobbles and all over the street. The EMT said that they thought I was a goner when they turned up. I had no idea, I was out.
They caught some Algerian and Pakistani members of the gang. Your case took ages but they got the gang leader.

For a while back home I had problems with workplace insurance, I had a mild brain injury and ptsd.
I encountered all the Bullshit avoidance and politically correct racism against white male victims in central London with Pakistani doctors and Somali council workers reminding me of my white privilege.
I ended up on a council list as medically vulnerable homeless living on the streets, eventually rehoused in a shelter with drug dealers and prostitutes and bogus asylum seekers.

Medical investigation found that my skull plates were fused, pars defect, small bones in my spine broken, discs in my neck out of alignment, ligament problems, my femoral nerve getting caught meaning that when I use my right leg a lo now t it seizes and I get contractions and burning in my right torso. 



> If I master b ate it gets 5 times worse .. <



My left knee doesn’t track properly and catches which makes all my muscles switch off so my quads calf and glutes have been wasting for a long time. A year bed ridden in a council shelter beating my meat has left me with a relatively strong left side and a much weaker left side although you wouldn't know it to look at me.

After my brain got better although I had weeks when I couldn’t leave my apartment for days on end because of the PTSD. I had bin bags piling up by the door, flashes of anger at work where I just got overwhelmed.
The tests workplace insurance had done showed my ability to talk and present myself well remained but my cognitive functioning was severely impaired.

I’ve changed jobs and towns a few times. Ive always worked but Ive hated the jobs that Ive done. Found myself in a labour pool of charity fundraisers, cold calling salesmen, event catering workers, dishwashers. Pretty quickly the manager of the dishwashers or fundraisers but counting down the days to quit.

Three years ago I had a melanoma cut out of my neck which got tested and retested a few times. At first they thought it was stage IVA 20% chance of survival over 1 to 5 years. 
I was thinking for a couple of weeks that this might be it, it was stressful but nothing to the stress of the constant adrenal drip-drip of PTSD. 
When they retested the tissue they’d cut out they decide it was IIA - 80% chance of survival and by now it looks like I’m in the clear.



SO:

1> Women.

What Ive decided is that I want a quality woman. I went from doing a tour of various different nationalities and races to deciding that what I want is kids with a quality western woman, preferably with English as a first language. Right now I dont have one, I had one who dumped me recently, I thought she was quality and potentially a good mother - in many ways she was but not as good as i thought, her inner dickhead revealed itself towards the end.



I reckon the biggest killer of all my relationships is my lack of financial stability and acumen. There's no magic wand but as a 6’4” good looking guy I think if I was someone with a good career, property, financial stability I’d have been fighting them off with a shitty stick. Basically if I was someone else ha ha..

I’ve looked at the over 40’s thread and looking at that I feel that I must be immature in many ways. Nearly all the chicks I date are mid twenties or below. I’ve gone from tragically pussy whipped beta in my twenties to decently competitive on the dating market now but never been married, gone through a divorce, raised kids, contested visitation rights, owned a home, owned a business. Ive only had three long term relationships in my adult life.



2.> Im in SE Asia now considering going monk mode on my rehab and maybe my novel if I can cram it in.


This is my challenge.

When I was considering my mortality back in the melonoma fortnight I thought “if they rang me up and said ‘surprise! You've been punk’d.” what would you do with your life? All I could think was i wanted to master 20 rep squats…



My physic says forget standard weight training unitl you fix your injuries.



I figured that rehab is not getting fit. 

H1N1 and Steelex talk about how really changing body composition, body shape is a full time project involving every aspect of diet, sleep, recovery, I get that it is hard work, hard work to get fit.

But this is different.

Ive got two physios now that I researched and found. Both have international athletes on their books. One has given me work to rebuild my left side, get my knee back to functioning, fire up my wasted muscles. Hard stressful gym work. The other has given me alexander technique stuff, breath work, slow walking.

The answer to this is hours of mobility work, trigger release, Electric stimulation pads, hundreds and thousands of light reps, heavy weights for short intensive bursts, 

Came out here to earn and use the extra hours I have in my day.



3> I don't know that I have time to do that and work on my novel.

Summing up;

No-one here gives a shit and why should they? My family I don't get on with, dad died a while back.

My ability to focus mentally is in the dog house , I got a first class degree at uni aged 22 now I find it hard to organise thoughts on paper and struggle to concentrate.

I wanna take a good year to go monk mode and I know with work and rehab time theres only so much work I can cram in.


Living in a small “no speak English” town. The women here are lovely but they are ugly and not bi lingual.

I know that if I delete all the social media Im addicted to Im gonna end up lonely, horny and mooning over the girlfriend that I blocked on my apps but I don't realistically see another way to deal with what Im facing and what I must do.

Gotta go to work.



Any thoughts/ advice welcome.

[Bienvenuto]

Bumping this.

That post was rambling.

More focused version;
wasn’t sure if I should put this in the game thread or the lifting thread or the no fap thread or everything else but I am a newbie so..

Alright so this isn’t a standard “I met this girl, she threw out these tests, what should I do?”. 

more of a “this is where I am in life could do with some insights.”

About me: 43 year old Brit. 6’4” 193cm 95 kg. for what thats worth.

Just arrived in SE Asia to teach English.

Came out here to earn and to use the extra hours I have in my day.

Lifting/ rehab.

>>>Long pre-amble, skip if you’d like<<



>pretty screwed up early life but I went to a good school, got a good education. After University I had lot of psychological issues and I moved to London and got involved with alternative lifestyles, Buddhism, meditation etc as a lifeline.
It was a change from what my peers that far had been doing and I lost those friendships.
Over time I got fed up with SJW territory and lies and tried at the age of 31 to retrain as an artist to realise my dreams of making graphic novels. 2 years later I wasn't much better as an artist but i was broke and in debt.

I moved around the country and picked up what work my shit CV could find. You name it I did it. All the time I worked on my prose novel which I have by now written 725 pages of. Its only a rough first draft though.

That effort got delayed by events.

I was working for public-private partnership property firm when I went on a city break to Norway where I got “culturally enriched” 3am one night I got surrounded by muslim guys telling me that they were going to “kill me” it was “their turf” I wasn't like them they “owned” that part of the town blah blah etc. 

I thought that they would just give me a sh! t kicking,

the fight went on for ages and the last several minutes police estimated that between five and seven of them involved on their side had me on the ground unconscious spread eagled using my head as a football.

Witnesses said my head only moved when they kicked or stamped on it.
When police turned up they said in court that there was blood all over the cobbles and all over the street. The EMT said that they thought I was a goner when they turned up. I had no idea, I was out.
They caught some Algerian and Pakistani members of the gang. Court case took ages but they got the gang leader.

For a while back home I had problems with workplace insurance, I had a mild brain injury and ptsd.
I encountered all the Bullshit avoidance and politically correct racism against white male victims in central London with Pakistani doctors and Somali council workers reminding me of my white privilege.
I ended up on a council list as medically vulnerable homeless living on the streets, eventually rehoused in a shelter with drug dealers and prostitutes and bogus asylum seekers.

After my brain got better although I had weeks when I couldn’t leave my apartment for days on end because of the PTSD. I had bin bags piling up by the door, flashes of anger at work where I just got overwhelmed.
The tests workplace insurance had done showed my ability to talk and present myself well remained but that my cognitive functioning was severely impaired in many ways.

I’ve changed jobs and towns a few times. Ive always worked but Ive hated the jobs that Ive done. Found myself in a labour pool of charity fundraisers, cold calling salesmen, event catering workers, dishwashers. Pretty quickly the manager of the dishwashers or fundraisers but counting down the days to quit. <<<

Pre-amble over <<<



Medical investigation found that my skull plates were fused, pars defect, small bones in my spine broken, discs in my neck out of alignment, ligament problems, my femoral nerve getting caught meaning that when I use my right leg a lot now it seizes and I get contractions and burning in my right torso. > Reason why i thought about putting this in the no fap forum - if i master b ate it gets 5 times worse ..< My left knee doesn’t track properly and catches which makes all my muscles switch off so my quads, calf and glutes have been wasting for a long time. A year bed ridden in a council shelter beating my meat left me staying relatively strong in my shoulders on my right side and a much weaker left side.

I was going nowhere in trying to fix it in full time work.

I went to a mountain hut for months at a time and did get better. 


I’ve got two physios now that I researched and found.
Both have international athletes on their books. 


One told me that mountain huts wouldn’t work, I had to get under heavy weights in a well equipped gym.


He has given me work to rebuild my left side, get my knee back to functioning, fire up my wasted muscles. Hard stressful gym work. 

The other has given me alexander technique stuff, breath work, slow walking.

The answer looks to be hours of mobility work, trigger release, Electric stimulation pads, hundreds and hundreds of light reps, heavy weights for short intensive bursts.



I read a lot of lifting blogs and am keen to get into squats and starting strength, even play rugby again.

My physio says forget standard weight training until you fix your injuries.

I figured that rehab is not getting fit. 


H1N1 and Steelex talk about how really changing body composition, body shape is a full time project involving every aspect of diet, sleep, recovery, I get that it is hard, hard work to get fit.

But this is even more hard core.

As well, 

Id appreciate advice but I get the impression that a lot of rest will make a difference.

I am considering that if I want to fix this I need to consider going monk mode on my rehab.


2. Women.


Can’t say I’ve done that great over the years.



I’ve gone from tragically pussy whipped beta in my twenties to decently competitive on the dating market now.



Read the Game, got into Carlos Xuma and a few other PUAs back when I was 30: massive learning curve.



I’ve done better in recent years but not sure I’ve enjoyed consistent success or really got the higher level results that are attainable.


What I've decided I want long term is a quality woman. 



I’ve been on a tour of various different nationalities and races over the years but what I want now is kids with a quality western woman, preferably with English as a first language. 



Right now I don’t have one, I was with one who dumped me recently, I thought she was quality and potentially a good mother - in many ways she was but not as good as I thought, her inner dickhead revealed itself towards the end but in fairness she was the one who dumped me.



Blocked her on my apps and looking to move on by getting on top of something new. 

Easier said than done here. Its a good place in many ways but I’m living in a small “no speak English” town.

The women here are lovely, ladylike, feminine but the ones I’ve met so far and they are ugly and despite taking classes in the local language the communication gap is big.

I reckon the biggest killer of all my relationships is my lack of financial stability and acumen.
There's no magic wand but as a 6’4” good looking guy I think if I was someone with a good career, property, financial stability I’d have been fighting them off with a shitty stick. Basically if I was someone else ha ha..

I’ve looked at the over 40’s thread and looking at that I feel that I must be immature in many ways. Nearly all the chicks I date are mid twenties or below: but I’ve never been married, gone through a divorce, raised kids, contested visitation rights, owned a home, owned a business.

Ive only had three long term relationships in my adult life.

I wanna move back to the Uk next year with several thousand. Before I’ll go back online. Upload a new instagram account and link it to Tinder. On the way do a tour of places like Bali, Thailand, work on my game. Sheets like # maximising tinder etc. will come in handy for that.

3.

The internet. 



I’m pretty much addicted to it. Seen big changes in my ability to concentrate. Here in small town SE Asia its hard to have a conversation without every one checking their phone.


I spend too much time up late on the internet, hampers my sleep.



My ability to focus mentally is in the dog house , I got a first class degree at uni aged 22 now I find it hard to organise thoughts on paper and struggle to concentrate.

I’m considering deleting all my social media apps and putting my sim in a small brick phone.

On my laptop using a “focus me” app and whitelisting a few sites like the forum.



I know that if I delete all the social media Im addicted to Im gonna end up lonely, horny and mooning over the girlfriend that I blocked on my apps but I don't realistically see another way to deal with what Im facing and what I must do rehab wise.

4. Career.

My CV and career is a mess. 



I’ve worked on my novel over the years. An old friend called it a “shit or bust” approach as I’ve put a lot of hope in it.

I think it will be good but it has a long way to go.

I can’t wait to finish it so I can get on with selling and hawking it.

I know that is seen as the hard part but I like the sales process, cold calling etc.



LTDR: My dilemma is, Ive got more time than I would have back home.



Is it reasonable to say -one thing at a time, concentrate on the rehab, use this year for that, the next year for the novel.



Or should it be - phuq it I’m 43, do the novel, the rehab and the women NOW, don’t wait.



Any thoughts welcome.

[Truth Tiger]

You've had a lot to deal with, and I can't respond to everything. My sense from what you're saying is you are dealing with various past traumas, physical mental and financial as well as spiritual, and getting some grip on your well-being is important before attempting to build more, whether that's muscle or women.

I just had a phone therapy session with Dr. Tara Palmatier. You can look her up to get contact info. She's blogs and is a no-nonsense gal, along with being very compassionate. She understands dysfunctional relationships well and especially how to reach men. Much of our trauma comes from relationships - as men, maybe 90% of our life stress.

I've been very impressed with biofeedback / breathwork via Institute of HeartMath. It's helped me calm my mind and open up the ability to focus. It's proven technology and methods.

I also recommend you watch Joe Rogan's interview with Wim Hof. Wim is The Iceman, and his 'fire breathing' technique helps people pull out of depression and improve their physiology.

I won't say anything about other areas because IMO and IME until you start to get some mastery over your breath and your basic mental state, all areas of your like will create even more stress.

You absolutely need to sleep more and earlier. I had to battle bedtime poor sleep habits until I got shingles - at age 40! - a few years ago. That was my wake up call. Search for The Lizard of Oz's 'Bright Light Therapy' thread. The sunbox really helped me reset my circadian rhythm so I could get the crucial earlier sleep which our body needs to restore itself.

I really appreciate the spiritual teachings of Adyashanti. Lots of videos of YouTube. Have done multiple silent retreats with him. The man is truly awake and his key premise is each of us can awaken in this lifetime if we commit to seeing through illusion. He points the way in a manner that especially appeals to Western minds. Check him out!

Again, consider contacting Dr Tara, or another therapist along with looking into some basic breath coaching. From the volume of what you've written it's clear to me your mind is running the show. I have empathy for you, man, I really do - I've been there. You've got to find ways to tune into your body to regulate and optimize your physiology which influences and optimizes your mental state as well.

One other recommendation - look up the 40 min TEDx talk by Dr Alan Watkins, 'Being Brilliant Every Single Day.' He shows the difference between a coherent vs a chaotic breathing rhythms, and shows why getting a grip on your breathing rhythm is the single best place you can focus your attention. You don't breathe, you die - but not all ways of breathing are life-promoting. Good luck, brother.

[Bienvenuto]

@Truth Tiger - Thanks.

Its funny you mention breath work.

One physio has had gold medal olympians cite her as the key to their success. She focused on the fact that my diaphragm movement is frozen and my ribs are stuck in their movement. Seems to think that those things are a big deal in fixing my injuries.

thanks for the references. I'll look at those things that you mention.