Gents,
Not sure where to post but here goes:
I am looking for some genuine advice here from someone who is older than me and has overcome the same. What I am talking about is intrusive thoughts/ the urge to self-destruct.
It seems that whenever I am making significant progress in my life there is something in my subconscious that draws me back to my olden ways.
I'll try my best not to turn this into a "woe is me" post. Four years ago I was the epitome of the Average frustrated chump (or worse): Obese chainsmoker working a Corporate job I hate, zero women in my life, few friends, evenings spent drinking alone, watching porn, video games, gambling and smoking.
These things seem relatively harmless on their own but combined they numb your mind and soul to the point where you are unable to connect with anyone.
I woke up one day with an incredible anger in me and throughout the next three years I:
-Quit video games completely
-Ceased gambling for 2 years
- Intermittently quit drinking
- Quit smoking for two years
- Quit my job, replaced it with one I can tolerate and that provides me with a tax free income and plenty of holidays
-Had a year of daily sex with a woman I loved
-Traveled a lot
What's troubling me is that whenever things go well, i.e, all my addictions are under control, have a consistent gym routine, going out and making approaches, something incredibly dark grips hold of me (usually in moments that I am feeling healthy, positve and confident) and I descend into weeks of depression, drinking, porn and whatever will bring me back to square one.
It's not that enjoy these activities, its and addiction to 'square one' , i.e the feeling that shit can't get any worse from here.
Is it a fear of success? Is alcohol to blame?
If you have experience with similar, or have overcome it, I would like to hear your story.
Not sure where to post but here goes:
I am looking for some genuine advice here from someone who is older than me and has overcome the same. What I am talking about is intrusive thoughts/ the urge to self-destruct.
It seems that whenever I am making significant progress in my life there is something in my subconscious that draws me back to my olden ways.
I'll try my best not to turn this into a "woe is me" post. Four years ago I was the epitome of the Average frustrated chump (or worse): Obese chainsmoker working a Corporate job I hate, zero women in my life, few friends, evenings spent drinking alone, watching porn, video games, gambling and smoking.
These things seem relatively harmless on their own but combined they numb your mind and soul to the point where you are unable to connect with anyone.
I woke up one day with an incredible anger in me and throughout the next three years I:
-Quit video games completely
-Ceased gambling for 2 years
- Intermittently quit drinking
- Quit smoking for two years
- Quit my job, replaced it with one I can tolerate and that provides me with a tax free income and plenty of holidays
-Had a year of daily sex with a woman I loved
-Traveled a lot
What's troubling me is that whenever things go well, i.e, all my addictions are under control, have a consistent gym routine, going out and making approaches, something incredibly dark grips hold of me (usually in moments that I am feeling healthy, positve and confident) and I descend into weeks of depression, drinking, porn and whatever will bring me back to square one.
It's not that enjoy these activities, its and addiction to 'square one' , i.e the feeling that shit can't get any worse from here.
Is it a fear of success? Is alcohol to blame?
If you have experience with similar, or have overcome it, I would like to hear your story.
