Introduction
My thanks goes out to the Lizard of Oz for inspiring me to share this
[1]. As some of my advice tends to be on the dry, formal side, I thought I’d share an old yet original and unpublished story for shits and giggles. It’s about the last time I tried acid, one of the many
many stupid things I did as a teenager, so this is not a how-to guide or opinion piece
[2,3]. As usual I’m open to feedback on the story so feel free to share your thoughts on the content, style or both. Cheers.
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LSD at High School: it Seemed like a Good Idea at the Time
Many moons ago, I was 17. It was an age of youthful innocence and boyhood wonder. An age of surfing trains and flinging chairs from classroom windows. Remind me never to have teenagers.
I was attending my last year of high school in Australia. Well to be more precise, usually attending. I had missed roll call over 80 times and if the watchful eyes of the teaching staff were anything to go by, that was some sort of record.
Even better, it was my last day at school, forever. Thinking about how to finish with a bang, I was inclined to jerk the gherkin one last time in the decrepit, yet never uninviting toilets, then roll out of the school gates in a haze of maryjane. In the end I decided to break with tradition, and placed a tab of acid on my tongue an hour before the end of my final class. I figured this timing would result in a climax of exhilaration when the final bell rang out. The logic was sound, I was sure of it.
I mean, what could go wrong?
As the teacher turned her back I dropped the tab and turned to a dreadlocked classmate, sticking out my tongue. She wasn’t shocked, just jealous, and full of giggles that were likewise soon to envelop me. Gradually, and with increasing excitement, my senses became heightened – the sounds were crisper, the colours were brighter… and that was just my pencil case.
By the time class finished all things around me had grown to inexplicably comical or revelational proportions. I’m talking life-changing epiphanies, like a sensation of transcendence through the physical realm to a humbling awareness of a sacred source of life energy all around me. To my classmate though, it sounded more like “Whoa, check out the light shining through the clouds! But nobody even notices! It’s amazing!”
I paced to the local shopping centre to meet a school mate ‘Johnny’ and hit up a gaming arcade for what turned out to be the most intense game of Tekken, ever. It felt like I
was fighting a humongous Panda. Foolishly choosing my opponent for his facade of softness, I had no idea that he had quite the right hook for a typical herbivore. Cuddly, but deadly.
After my defeat to the pride of China I could not stop laughing, at everything. Deep breathing did nothing to calm me. I didn’t know what I was laughing at, but it was
hilarious. In the middle of this maniacal giggling fit, I entered the food court and negotiated a trade of money for a small bag of hot chips from Red Rooster. As I started munching on them Johnny turned to me and said, “Hey man, don't you have exams on?” The laughter came to a sudden halt as the harsh reality flooded back. I had forgotten about the sociology exam that was due to start, oh, ten minutes ago.
Sheer panic engulfed me.
I ran hard for 10 straight minutes—the entire way back to school—before spluttering into the exam room, utterly exhausted. I slumped down on a rock-hard chair in the middle of the room, surrounded by fellow students who probably thanked themselves for not being me. I glanced down at my clenched fist and realised it was still clutching the half-full bag of fries that were now squished into a soggy ball of grease and early heart disease. Still wheezing like an asthmatic Labrador, I pushed the bag to the side of my desk and tried to make sense of the test paper.
I kept my head down, not daring to look up and be caught in the glare of my teacher who loomed menacingly in the background. ‘Mrs Scrag’ (probably not her real name) was vile, jaded and at least 210 years old. During regular class I had a hunch that she viewed my every move with suspicion. But today was different. Today I could
feel her piercing gaze being cast upon me. She was the Eye of Sauron and I was Frodo, paralysed in fear.
Everyone else seemed to know what they were doing – all heads were down and hands were busy. I on the other hand stared blankly at the paper, mouth gaping, like it was a 3D puzzle that I just couldn’t see. I wasn’t in the best state to craft a structured paragraph, let alone an entire essay. And the sounds around me... sniffles, coughs, sharpening of pencils, scrawling of pens, the teachers’ slow, methodical footsteps... it was all relentlessly agitating. Never mind the fact that I hadn't studied – the carpet beside me was swirling. “Don't look away” became my new mantra, enabling me to scribble down a few incoherent pages. After one excruciating hour, the exam was
finally over.
I breathed out.
That is, until Mrs Scrag slid over to my desk. She inspected my writing with the seething indignation of a virginal internet troll looking for spelling mistakes in a lay report. Shaking her head and glaring at me with a look beyond disgust, her face took on a gruesome, satanic form. This was too much to handle, I had to look away.
When I looked back, a figure appeared at the door of the exam room. It was the Acting Principal, Mr ‘Chop Chop’
[4]. He was widely regarded as a hard-arse who was recruited to clean up the school, and had recently been successful in booting the key smack dealers. What’s more, I’d had my fair share of run-in’s with him, like when he threatened to call the cops because he fantasized that I was selling drugs out of my camera. Indeed, he was quite familiar with my history of truancy, smoking, and sale of high-quality confectionery at low low prices
[5]. And now, he loomed over my desk, examining the fresh evidence. After chatting in private with Mrs Scrag, out came those dreaded words:
“Come to my office.”
As he dragged me in by the arm, I sought spiritual counsel in Raoul Duke (Hunter S. Thompson), telling myself, “Okay... be quiet, be calm, say nothing… speak only when spoken to: name, class and affiliation, nothing else, ignore this terrible drug, pretend it’s not happening”
[6]. But unlike Raoul, I didn’t have anyone to look after me and I wasn’t in a town full of bedrock crazies where nobody notices an acid freak. I had just failed my last exam and was now stuck in a room, alone, awaiting an interrogation by Chop Chop himself. Oh yeah, there was also the issue of being caught in an acid-induced panic attack. Terror raced up my spine as all these hideous realities dawned on me at once.
"Do you know that your pupils are dilated?" he asked.
"Ummm… I'm tired."
"What drugs are you on?"
"Nothing… I'm just really tired"
"Have you been smoking marijuana?"
"No", I said genuinely, avoiding his glare to look down at the floor. It was covered in thousands of tiny square tiles. They began to move up and down individually, bulging in groups, then souring and dipping like waves in the sea. Not a good sign.
He continued with attempting to compel me into admitting guilt and threatened to call the cops. I continued to deny deny deny. Faced with my unflappable stubbornness, he eventually gave up and settled on a mere suspension. I told you teenagers were trouble.
I think the moral of this story is straightforward – kids, don’t do drugs. Especially when you’ve forgotten about an exam and have to run a mile back to school and start hallucinating then freak out big time and get cornered by the principal who hates you. Other than that, they’re great.
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Links
Posts
[1] Tokyo Joe: ‘The Lizard of Oz Appreciation Thread’
[2] Honorable Man: ‘Should acid and shrooms be illegal?’
[3] Goldmund: ‘Ayahuasca and the body’
Vids
[4] Trailer for the movie Chopper
[5] Clip from TV show The Wire: Randy selling Candy
[6] Clip from movie Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas: hotel check-in scene