[guerrilla]

So this is kind of a tough question to ask because it's personal but I don't know what to do. So my mother's in her 60s, lives alone, and is lonely. Folks divorced 15 years ago. I support her financially. The problem is because she's lonely she takes it out in two ways: 1) bothering me with stupid shit like phone calls and visits and crap, and 2) becoming a dog lady - she has like 6 of them or something.

She has a few friends she sees once every couple weeks, but she insists she's happy living more or less in isolation with her dogs.

So what I need to do is get her into some sort of social life so that she doesn't lean entirely on me for socialization, which drives me nuts, and doesn't start procuring even more fucking dogs.

I bought her monthly yoga classes. She enjoyed that for 4-5 months but now doesn't want to go because she's "too busy" (doing what - I have no fucking clue) or she's "too tired." Furthermore, that didn't really achieve my objective of her meeting new people because most people leave right after class.

Getting her to do anything knew is like pulling teeth and she regressed over the last 3-5 years from being a fiercely independent & strong woman to acting either withdrawn or throwing emotional fits like a bratty little 5 year old.

So family is very important to me in terms of providing support to them, but I can't fucking deal with seeing and chatting with my mother/family every day like I do, which just leads to me getting pissed off at her, and then she pouts, and it's a vicious downward spiral.

What do I do? Can anyone suggest events I can buy that she can go to on a weekly basis to do whatever activities older people like to do so that she just gets to socialize. I want her to just fucking socialize so that she gets some of that energy back that you get when you're just around other people.

Any other ideas?

[bacon]

this reminds me of tony soprano and his relationship with his mom

[guerrilla]

yeah!!! haha

not too far away but not quite that bad...yet pretty similar both being new yorkers: I suggest something I think will help she goes, "just kill me now, do it already." prime example of jewish guilt and my alphatude frame isn't a mighty fortress in the presence of the mother.

she invites herself over to visit everyday and has just started bringing fucking cookies. wtf? she's never baked cookies before, she knows I eat healthy, and she brings fucking cookies. I'm 31. FUCKING COOKIES!!???

I got to get her into some sort of social circle for older people (not a old peoples home, it aint gonna happen anytime soon)...how do I do this. Can I buy her into some club or activities so she can socialize with other people instead of pestering me? What sort of activities or clubs are out there for this?

[iknowexactly]

(03-28-2013 12:17 AM)guerrilla Wrote:  

yeah!!! haha

not too far away but not quite that bad...yet pretty similar both being new yorkers: I suggest something I think will help she goes, "just kill me now, do it already." prime example of jewish guilt and my alphatude frame isn't a mighty fortress in the presence of the mother. If you don't refuse visits you don't want, then take responsibility for them and don't blame her. You opened the door, you get the visitor. Of course you should warn her you're busy and won't be available.

she invites herself over to visit everyday and has just started bringing fucking cookies. wtf? she's never baked cookies before, she knows I eat healthy, and she brings fucking cookies. I'm 31. FUCKING COOKIES!!???

I got to get her into some sort of social circle for older people (not a old peoples home, it aint gonna happen anytime soon)...how do I do this. Can I buy her into some club or activities so she can socialize with other people instead of pestering me? What sort of activities or clubs are out there for this?

You can't, and don't "have to" get her to change. You may be able to get professional help, family counseling where you both go, to help her understand how to get her needs met without disrupting your life.

If she is playing the "just kill me " game that is criticism against you for not doing what she wants. It may be doubtful she will change her attempts at socializing. You could get her lists of places that have daytime activities she might like, but you can 't force her to go.

You may have the difficult choice of just refusing some of her visits. In my opinion, guilt, manipulation, and passive-aggressive behavior don't have an ethnicity, although they may be more common among certain ethnic groups.
If you decide to submit to passive-aggressive manipulation, than take responsibility for it. If you open the door, you consented to the visit.

I worked with nursing homes. I wish your mother the best, but all people deteriorate and we all eventually die. With the right care, which you cannot provide forever, her enjoyable life can be extended as far as possible. But there is no real happy endgame in most cases.

[T and A Man]

I know this may sound harsh, but your obligation is not to your mother. Your biological obligation is to pay it forward, which is to your own children.

Your mother had someone to keep her company in her old age, it was her husband. Sounds like she forfeited her husband, and therefore, company.

She can write a letter to some feminists such as Gloria Stenihem or Andrea Dworkin asking for an apology.

[worldwidetraveler]

Find her a man or send her number to Houston and he will text her a dick picture.

[soup]

Definitely don't have sex with her.

Maybe Tenderman can hang with her? I don't know..

[RawGod]

Move a few thousand km away.
Works for me.

[username]

[painter]

Whatever you do DO NOT watch the movie Requiem For A Dream. You'll feel even more guilty after that.

[Kentucky]

Some of these answers are terrible

I would say you have to look after your mum, but do you have any brothers or sisters that can help? Or a gf or wife that can chip in?

I would get her involved in your synagogue since you said Jewisg guilt I an assuming you are Jewish

Also, consider paying her to go on a holiday or cruise to somewhere for a while, should cheer her up.

[bojangles]

This is difficult, I won't have this problem unless my father dies but someone above is right in that you have to look forward to your future though I personally take pride in looking after family even if there's been some hiccups along the way.

[Parlay44]

They never stop talking to you like a 5 year old. Christ. It's torture. It's worse if you have a kid. They want to come over all the time.

[Duke Castile]

Iknowexactly is recommending going to counseling together so his life doesn't get disrupted. haha.

Guerrilla, Are you really bitching about your mom bringing you cookies?

I can relate because my mother does things that are very annoying. She texts like a 15 year old schoolgirl and refuses to the the word "I". As in "am thinking of you, was wondering what you're doing for Easter"

But then I remind myself that she's my mother and it would hurt her feelings if I got pissed off at her because of something so small.

But cookies? Come on.

If she's starting to bake why not ask her if she'd like to take cooking lessons, or maybe you can get her to join a book club if she reads.

[Kentucky]

You are lucky your mum cares about you. Imagine if you had the OPPOSITE problem like me where you want your mum to help with looking after your children more but she is more focused on going out all the time

Your mum is one if the few non-evil baby boomers

Be a mensch and stop complaining

[Days of Broken Arrows]

(03-28-2013 12:17 AM)guerrilla Wrote:  

yeah!!! haha

not too far away but not quite that bad...yet pretty similar both being new yorkers: I suggest something I think will help she goes, "just kill me now, do it already." prime example of jewish guilt and my alphatude frame isn't a mighty fortress in the presence of the mother.

she invites herself over to visit everyday and has just started bringing fucking cookies. wtf? she's never baked cookies before, she knows I eat healthy, and she brings fucking cookies. I'm 31. FUCKING COOKIES!!???

I got to get her into some sort of social circle for older people (not a old peoples home, it aint gonna happen anytime soon)...how do I do this. Can I buy her into some club or activities so she can socialize with other people instead of pestering me? What sort of activities or clubs are out there for this?

When someone mentioned Tony Soprano, I was gonna ask if you were Italian. But Jewish is pretty close, culturally speaking (I'm mostly the first of these).

I had a similar problem. One of my brothers has never held a job longer than a year and relies on my mother as if she is a wife. Because of this, my mother think this is the "normal" way mothers and sons should be with each other -- phone calls every day, visits every week, random knocks on doors -- you know the drill.

What I did was told her straight-up she was being dysfunctional and needed to find her own "frame." Here is how I did it: I asked her what if my father's mother had behaved this way? What if her own mother came knocking randomly? She had to admit, that would not have worked when they were my age. So she laid off. You may want to reframe her behavior in terms of her and her own mother.

That's one problem. The next is what to do about your mother's lack of a life outside of her kids. I'd recommend going to an aunt or other relative and sort of bringing this up without making it a problem. Can she get involved in synagogue activities? Get a part-time job? What do other seniors do in their spare time? I think you might also recommend you mother get some counseling on how to live life after work and after the kids are grown.

Addendum: I just noticed something you wrote ..."Can anyone suggest events I can buy..." The idea of monetizing a social life might be the key to your family's dysfunction. Friendships exist outside the bounds of the economic playing field. My own family also tends to make everything money-related and boy is this troubling, because it degrades the HUMAN experience. Something to consider. One of the complaints about feminism is that it monetizes every minute of a woman's life, viewing them as economic units, not people.

[RussianRootCanal]

If she's healthy get her a gift certificate to a dance studio, plenty of socialization there.

[tenderman100]

(03-28-2013 02:39 AM)soup Wrote:  

Definitely don't have sex with her.

Maybe Tenderman can hang with her? I don't know..

Uh, thanks...but no thanks

[Hannibal]

Bridge club or some kind of card game playing club. If she knits or spins or something, that would be good, too.

Book clubs are alright if she's already into reading.

Can't say I don't know where you're coming from. I fucking hate getting shamed into going home to keep my mother company. It puts me off kilter for at least a week because it brings me back to when I was the lowest on the totem pole and everyone's bitch in the household.

The cookies are a bribe and you know it. They bring you back to childhood when you were a darling little child under her thumb. That's what they're there for. My sister lived with my mother until she was 28 or so and when she moved out, mom threw a fit and claimed that my sister was abandoning her or some shit. She now lives six miles away.

Unsurprisingly, the most successful of my siblings (so far) moved out when she was 16 on very bad terms and now has a loving family, a good husband, a seemingly good marriage, and a shitload of property with a large house. The rest of the family are a bunch of fuckups, by comparison.

It seems to be this way in a lot of my family. The parents think that the children owe them for their upbringing. What's funny is that I know my parents lived in California (in the 70's, no less) for years long before they ever bothered to go home.

[Low Status Beta]

puit her on HGH and Bioidentical Hormones, its more of a physical thing than a mental/social problem.

[loki]

fuck, here i was thinking i was the only one dealing with this shit...

my sister and I are currently trying to work this out as well but currently we have no answers that will help you, howefver if we stumble on some magical cure i will be sure to share it with you.