[Graft]

(02-25-2019 11:23 PM)GT777733 Wrote:  

You are probably suffering from trauma (from you past).

Read back what you wrote in this thread, and then read about the effects on trauma on self image, behavior etc. I guarantee you'll see connections.

You're living with one foot in your past and one foot in your future - and it's causing you to be uncertain about yourself (which weakens you and makes you run thoughts over and over in your head) and impairing your ability to make healthy decisions for your future.

You probably need to:
1) fully understand your trauma (read about it more), where it's coming from, and how it's impacting your decision making ability and mental self image

I have trauma for sure, thanks for pointing this out. In the past I didn't have the money to pay for therapy, but now I can address some issues. It's quite possible that I have some form of PTSD. In my mind, there are a few causes for trauma:

1. Childhood physical and emotional abuse, getting kicked out of my house
2. My first breakup and social fallout that I received from that
3. Early career failures, financial instability, my psychopath father exacerbating the problem by taunting me
4. My second girlfriend leaving me in the middle of #3
5. Overall loneliness and dealing with these problems by myself and with ROK/RVF

2) set clear and healthy life goals and behavioral guidelines for yourself going forward (so that if you stray from them you know why and how, and you can more clearly identify ways to get yourself back on track. This will also be helpful if you catch yourself replaying or sinking back into negative thought loops from the past)

I don't know how to stop the negative thought loops

3) become fully aware of how you are coming across to others - continue to weed out any behaviors that might be pushing good people away. It's possible you may still be sabotaging yourself in some ways

quite true, I was a psychotic mess in my previous romantic relationships

4) Push away people from your past (at least right now) that make your feel weak and shitty/guilt ridden

this is easy, fuck them. No one had my back in the dark days.

5) Change up your life so that you can create a new future for yourself, and give yourself permission to do that. Logically tell yourself that you aren't the same person from the past, and there's no reason things will continue to be the way they were. You can tell yourself the future will be different all you want - but if you aren't doing things to physcially create it and to physcially meet new people, it won't happen. Brainstorm some ways you can do this, and start trying them when you have the rest of your shit together

6) Think about the things in your life that you have that other people never got the opportunity to have (those who were born in the third world), and find ways you can give back to society or make things better (this will get you focussed off of just you and your needs)

It's tough to give a shit about anyone in the third world or anyone in general when I went through what I went through. I don't even need to compare myself to the third world, I just compare with where I was during the story