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Harsh but mostly true words. Look, I know I fucked up with her, my beta'ish behavior was because, in this "relationship", two new things were introduced in my love life: a much hotter woman (as I said, former model who looks much younger than her age) than usual that was hitting on me initially (this is why I don't believe you when you say that she was never legitimately attracted, if so, why pick me, she could have the dozens of guys that were eyeing her at work) while giving me hot and cold messages. My usual love life dynamic involved finding a cute girl in my social circle and trying to pick her up while not trying to give any creep vibes, not trying to figure out a REALLY hot girl that kept coming onto me up to a certain point and then trying to keep me around. Since I'm fairly good looking, me trying to pickup usually worked. I've gotten brutal rejections as well but healed relatively quickly since the time span was short, not years of wallowing and having illusions of being together.
As for the cancer part, trust me when I say that I am not being melodramatic in the least. My actual doctor (a dude, so he can likely relate) said that basically all the testicular cancer relapses he saw came about with major distresses in that guys life, loss of a loved one, divorce and losing kids, being laid off and not being able to find work. That shit just wrecks your immune system and it only needs a small window for cancer to set in. Not to mention that freezing my sperm does nothing for my confidence, only for my legacy. How in the fuck am I gonna keep a woman with no actual balls, if God forbid the unthinkable happens. It's been 3 years since my surgery and usually after the 5 year window, the chances of relapse are small. Since finding out the news about my "love" and her new guy, I've been getting groin and stomach shooting pains, something I rarely experienced in these 3 years since surgery.
As for improvement, like I said, I've been hitting the weights on home to put some decent muscle, a couple of years ago I switched fields and got into IT (into a field I actually like unlike my old job where I met this woman) but now comes the game part. I was having a dry spell when I met this chick, that's true but that's cause I was focusing on my career, I simply put sex out of my mind for a long while because there were A LOT of new things to learn in order to make the switch and I latched on emotionally to this chick that was gonna bring me back to fucking and who was hotter than my previous lays.
Since I am an introverted kinda guy (no, not shy, I just feel out of my element in clubs and large gatherings), I was thinking of trying day game in parks, maybe bookshops. I only have a couple of friends left but after several failed relationships, one has basically given up from I've gathered and the other has gone full Thinder Thot slayer after several long term (2-3 years) relationships, basically fucks a new bitch every week, full casual sex mode. So I can't really rely on my social circle for marks as in the past (not to mention that we hang out far less often than we used to, due to our jobs), I need to get hunting on my own.
Any recommendations for a 32 year old day game newb?
Anyway, I appreciate the feedback from the community.
Thanks, guys.
Notice how you keep building this old woman up in your mind even to this day. Who cares if all of the nerds in your office want to bang her. She's a washed up has been and you keep glamorizing her and it's another step back from moving on. It's irrelevant if at one point she might have been attracted to you. You put so much additional pressure on yourself by imagining that she was the answer to your prayers. It was all in your mind that she was the be all end all to "bring you back to fucking," as you say.
The lack of game gradually got you into the worst possible frame if she was saying things like "you should have licked your finger afterwards." I would have said "you're gross" in response but the ideal is never getting into this frame in the first place. You were too scared to push back against Miss Perfect in these situations and kept failing her tests. What did you say when she tested you by pointing out the condoms? I highly suspect you flinched rather than confidently holding the frame. You were way too scared to say something like: "I just wanted to be safe when you inevitably tried to jump on me." You lacked confidence and she sniffed it out pretty easily.
When you removed all sexual tension but couldn't caveman her to your bedroom she (like most women would) felt guilty and very turned off about the whole situation. It sounds like you were doing things to her mostly like a dog licking peanut butter off her vagina rather than getting her to chase. While you maybe could have progressed it by going into Rottweiler mode you instead stayed in timid Chihuahua mode hesitant to proceed. It doesn't matter that as the Chihuahua she continued to find you endearing and capable of making her feel comfortable for weeks and months to come. Once a woman views you as weak and always conforming to her frame, it's pretty much impossible to recover from it and again be viewed as a sexual beast.
None of your situation is particularly special or unique. No one with beginner game or limited experience with attractive women is going to be able to fake confidence and frame in a situation they perceive as high stakes. I reiterate, even if you had gotten laid that night you would have very likely botched the relationship at some point with bad game. There is tons of info on the forum about day game and game in general, you just have to search for it.
Very consistent exposure to social situations and particularly with strangers is key. It's a skill that has to be practiced several times a week. Even extroverts with decent game get rusty when they refrain from frequent socializing. Turn this into a regular hobby but don't just read a bunch about it and take little action. Talk to strangers everyday, attractive or not. I agree that doing a log in the newbie forum is a good start.