[debeguiled]

(02-13-2018 07:31 AM)H1N1 Wrote:  

I don't know whether there are any absolutes in this domain.

My own feeling is that you should not allow yourself to be bullied or intimidated, because this does tremendous damage to your psyche. It is better to be measured, but forthright - even if it leads to violence, than to allow yourself to be cowed by someone using aggression as a weapon.

I remember when I was much younger, maybe 14 or 15, not standing up to someone who was being aggressive towards me, and to this day, I can still get quite pissed off at having been intimidated like this, and my own cowardice in response to it.

I'm sure it was part of the catalyst for my boxing career, and joining the military. It is one thing to balance the pros and cons of a situation and to walk away from conflict. That's prudent and mature, regardless of which outcome you opt for. However, it is quite another thing to allow cowardice to motivate your actions, and drive you towards a particular course of action that you then attempt to justify to yourself as prudence. I think the consequences of that are really very serious, and should be vehemently resisted, even if it may come at some physical cost.

There's very little call for real conflict in day to day life. Most normal men will go a life time without ever actually coming close to it. Should that day come though, and should you behave like a coward, I think you'll find that it can completely blow apart your sense of self and leave you with a very deep and lasting wound. We are all the heroes of our own stories, and to behave in an archetypically unheroic manner could pull you apart at the seams.

There are a million ways to avoid violence without losing face. You can even refuse to fight and still sound strong. Many men have no idea how to be assertive without being a dick. Assertiveness training sounds like psychobabble, but if you don't know about it, look into it, and you can learn a lot.

What the less aggressive guys do is just absorb disrespect till they can't take it anymore, then blow up in an inappropriate manner at the worst possible time with the worst possible person.

Part of the key is to catch disrespect early, name it, call it out, and say what you expect of the other person. Don't use the word disrespect, as that only reminds bullies of how the world disrespects them and they will turn the thing back on you.

Something as simple as "Whatever happened to 'excuse me?' said in a strong voice with good eye contact can forestall a lot of drama.

The guy I like to read is Marc MacYoung, who I have quoted before, because his self defense website is about 99% social skills.

His belief is that your best way to avoid violence is to know how to negotiate in tense situations.

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/negotiation.htm

There is a lot of gold on his site, and one thing I always remember is his response when walking down the street with a woman, and some guys start challenging him by saying, hey, we want your girl, give us your girl man.

He stares at them with death in his eyes and says:

"That's her choice."

Perfect response.

Verbally he doesn't rise to the bait, nonverbally however, message delivered.

I have no real fighting skill, and I have talked my way out of a ton of potentially hairy situations, all without ever having to lose face, so far anyway.

Reading MacYoung as well as knowing a bit about assertiveness is what has bailed me out.

One thing that happened recently, that I can attribute completely to MacYoung, was a strong arm robbery I was able to avoid because I read this section on his website about the "Criminal Interview."

Basic idea is that criminals 'interview you' to see if you are a good target for a robbery, and if you fail the interview, they leave you alone and move on to someone else.

I was interviewed with the "regular" interview:

Quote:

Regular - This is the most common form of interview for muggers. The criminal will approach you under the guise of normalcy, i.e., needing information or small item (e.g. matches). This is a distraction. While he is talking, he is not only getting in position to attack, but a) checking your awareness about what he is doing and b) your commitment to defending yourself.

This is why you should always be careful when someone approaches you in a fringe area and asks for something. Your answer should always be "no" and insist on him keeping his distance. Both muggers and stranger rapists often use this technique.

http://www.nononsenseselfdefense.com/interview.htm

I was having a smoke under an awning, it was raining and early in the morning, so, still dark, in a marginal area of town, and a couple of guys were walking past on the other side of the street. They stop, stare at me while talking to each other. That was the first sign I should have left, but I was too clueless, so they crossed the street towards me. They were smaller than me, but younger, and there were two of them.

They walk towards me and I say, "What's up guys," and one of them says, "we're just getting out of the rain," which is a good excuse to close the distance without setting off any alarm bells, but I still didn't get it, and I am starting to chat casually with them and I notice that one guys is talking to me, the other is silent, making no eye contact, and walking around to the other side of me to box me in. Finally a warning bell goes off in my head, and before he can get in position, in a extremely loud and super friendly voice I say, "STAY DRY GUYS!" and I walk briskly away from them and down the street.

After a few paces I look back over my shoulder, I see the two of them staring after me with somewhat shocked expressions on their faces, it was like my sudden move, along with the loud voice kind of shook them out of what they were doing, and mentally, they had to regroup.

A few more paces, I look back casually again, and they are following me (thought they wanted to get out of the rain.), and a few more and they are gone, probably down a side street.

Crisis averted. No robbery. No violence. No loss of face. If I ever win the lottery, I am kicking some of it down to MacYoung, his website has saved my bacon on a few occasions.

I still laugh sometimes at the shocked look on their faces when I yelled them to stay dry. I never even let on that I knew what they were up to, I was just, in their minds, a lost opportunity.