[Maistre]

(10-24-2017 07:24 AM)Remington Wrote:  

Example, I was at a house party at my buddy's house last weekend. The girls somehow got us into the topic of which celebrity woman we thought was hotter, and we gave our answers and a reason why. Well, there were two women that were named, and the men were giving the answers. When it came to my turn, I said a couple things about each, and then I said something along the lines of "yea, but I know so-so can take a punch, so I'm going with her." Everyone busted out laughing except for this crazy liberal wack job who's eyes got all bug eyed. I did escalate her shock/anger on purpose by saying "in case you didn't get it, that was a domestic violence joke!" Everyone started laughing even harder, and she called me an asshole. She's a friend so I know she didn't get genuinely pissed off.

2. As you said in your response, this is an easy fix. You just need to learn to be more self aware and realize that you aren't smiling or being relaxed with your body language. If for some reason you're in a bad mood, go find a bathroom. Look in the mirror, and force yourself to smile. Hold that smile until you can't help but naturally do it. For some reason, this works and will automatically improve your mood. Then, walk back into the party.

You can "look like a badass," you just have to do it the right way. People will already assume you're a badass because of your size. Now, when they see that you're a chill, funny, and sociable guy, they will want to interact with you.

3. Also an easy fix. Stop drinking so much. I know that when you drink, you become more loose, but you need to know how that feels without alcohol. It's fine to drink, and to have the occasional drunk night. However, people will be turned off if you're a drunken mess and unable to stand up straight. You don't want to develop the reputation of a drunken clown. You are not there to entertain party guests like a performing artist. If it is your party, you entertain people by being a good host. That means not getting too drunk, being social, introducing people to others, and making sure the party runs smoothly.

Being the class clown in high school was considered the cool thing because we aren't smart in high school. People thought the drunkest guy at the party was cool because he drank so much and he said/did something stupid.

Now, that you're older, people will think the drunkest guy at the party is jerkoff and a clown. Don't be that guy. Be in control of yourself at parties.

Hahahaha big balls on you for dropping the wife beating joke, obviously shows the necessity of knowing your audience. Again, thanks man, more good stuff here for me to mull over. Love the bathroom smile tip, definitely going to pull that one out next weekend the next time I'm mean-mugging it in the corner of a party. And on the drinking yeah dude, you're totally right. Luckily I figured out that being a drunken animal wasn't doing it for me, and my drinking actually became pretty responsible after my freshman year of college. Haven't blacked out hard in over two years now, and honestly drink less than most of my friends. I guess the core of the problem for me is, as you keyed on, "you need to know how that [being loose] feels without alcohol," which is something I still really struggle with. I was the classic friendless nerd type until high school, where I basically learned how to maneuver in social situations and make friends by just being stumbling fucked up all the time, and (as is also super stereotypical for a guy on this board) when I showed up to college a virgin my solution to that problem was to just fucking force myself to go out multiple nights a week and approach approach approach. It worked, eventually, but to steel myself for the inevitable parade of rejections I knew I'd have to face, I would just face liquor to make myself not give a fuck. Doing something like that sober would have been completely inconceivable for me at that time.

I think when I stopped being hardo party guy, I reacted kind've hard in the opposite direction, which is partly at the root of what's going on here. Alcohol was such a crutch for me for soooo long, and my loud, loosed up, boisterous behavior that it produced was like my identity for years. I guess what I really need to do is find a way to practice aspects of that identity without the drunken fool package.

(10-24-2017 07:58 AM)Perspicacity Wrote:  

(1) Your Irish friend already was willing to give you useful feedback and is Irish so is probably a solid guy willing to help you out (Irish guys have nothing to fear from other guys muscling in on their notches so they view helping others as positive-sum rather than zero- or negative-sum). Iterate on it: Loosen up and switch up your vibe a bit, then tell him you appreciated his advice and are implementing it, and crack a joke (while flattering him) that now he has to coach you into being a smooth motherfucker like him, and in return you'll coach him into being 6'4" 230lbs. Get him to call you out and tell you to lighten up when you're looking too serious or acting too uptight.

(2) Analyse what your friend is doing and pick out one thing at a time to emulate. Don't be so blatant that it's obvious you're ripping off his game--abstract the generality of what he's doing and implement it in your own way.

(3) Spend eight weeks doing intermittent fasting at 2000kcal and < 20g carbs per day (do not subtract fiber off your total) while working out fasted three days each week immediately before feeding. Report back here in seven weeks (a week before you're due to finish), or when you reach 200lbs, whichever is the earlier, to evaluate how to proceed at that point. If you have to drink, stick to diet drinks without calories or carbs, and spirits without carbs (include the calories in your daily total). You can have one cheat meal a week in which you can eat as much and whatever you want, so long as it doesn't affect your workouts or sleep.

(4) Based on what you say about your sense of humour and how it does best with your boys that you know or specific girls (I'm guessing girls with a sarcastic or dark sense of humour), you probably need to tone it down. Many people have a weak, or no, sense of sarcasm or dark humour, and just read it as on-the-nose negativity/psychopathy. You probably know on some intuitive level, as you're saying something, when it's likely to be taken awkwardly, so you can probably get immediate improvements from not saying stuff that your gut tells you will be received poorly, even if your brain can't put into words why. Maybe you're ignoring this feeling because you don't want to 'dumb down' your humour for people who 'don't get it'. Maybe you're trying to feed people red pills through humour when they're only interested in blue pills, and looking down on guys who get 'cheap laughs' with 'dumbed down humour'. Work on 'normie humour' instead of looking down on it. (I could be wildly off base here and projecting from when I used to be more like this. I'm saying this because this is the vibe I'm reading from you so looks like a way you can improve. I'm not saying it to tear you down, other than to build you up stronger. also you said something about being gunshy, so maybe you're already checking what you say.)

1) hahahahaha, yeah man, the Irish. Lots of nationalities like to wave their flag about being hard drinkers, but it seems nowhere produces dissolute alcoholics quite like that sad little island. The Celts just have that certain way they carry themselves...nothing more likeable than a slick mick, even though a true word probably only comes out of his mouth a few times a week.

2) I'll definitely mention it to my homie to call me on it when I'm being too dour during a night out, that's some good advice. And yeah, watching the way he moves around women has been crazy eye-opening for me. Prior to getting to college I had friends who did really well with women, but it was all because they were sexy bad boys, not because they actually knew how to game. When I met this irish guy freshman year, I remember being kind've awestruck (yeah embarrassing) at the sight of somebody who REALLY knew how to talk to girls. I've learned a ton about the social dynamics of game and general "do this not that" type stuff from watching this kid maneuver over the years, but like you said I think I've gotten to the point where I really need to find how I can apply shit "in my own way." I can't perfectly play the role of the charming little bastard the way my boy does, nor should I want to, but I definitely gotta take the key parts underlying what he's doing and translate it to my context.

3) Yeah bro, the feedback in this thread has made me recognize something I knew subconsciously, that I need to be less of a pussy and just fucking own the work and suffering I'm gonna have to put in to cut down to the 200-205 territory. I guess I've let my ability to still pull, albeit not as much as I want, at higher weights to suck away at the motivation to diet hard AF. Time to face facts and realize I'm mis-treating myself, restricting and limiting my success with girls, by not putting in the dedication that will get me down 30 lbs.
W/r/t the specific diet and fitness advice, I actually found out the hard way that for whatever reason I'm not compatible with a super-low carb diet. Went keto for a month or two way back, started feeling crazy sluggish and lethargic, got a blood test that revealed I was crazy hypoglycemic (sic?). I think the move for me is just to count those calories up to 2000 each day, and try to always get my .8g of protein/pound of body mass. Like most constitutional fatties, I've long stuck to diet soda, and yeah, I gotta watch my booze calories, the beer isn't doing me any favors. Any reason you recommend only three days a week in the gym? The program I'm running calls for 4 days a week, which I've always found super manageable if I'm being at all responsible. Lastly on the working out fasted thing: some of my crazy fitness buddies will do this, but as like a special thing for a few of their (sometimes >10) weekly workouts. I've never liked doing it because I just feel weaker and less energetic. Any reason you recommend it? Will definitely check back in at the 7 week mark.

4) Your analysis on my humor is fucking uncannily spot-on. Definitely have too much of a tendency to try and drop red pills and yeah looking back on situations ur 100% right that (as most individuals are) people without a sense for sarcasm or blacker humor definitely will misread my jokes as expressions of a psychopathic or depressive personality. And yep, I definitely have some sense of "uhhh maybe don't say that in this situation" and such going on in my head, but it can be pretty weak sometimes. I've always had a problem with saying the wrong shit at the wrong time, though I've gotten better about it over the years, and I feel this is just another call for me to further development my sense for social cues on that kinda stuff. The point about "normie humor" is actually so goddamn on point for my situation, although I didn't consciously realize it until I read your comment. I think I need to fucking swallow my pride, get off my own dick, and beat down the self-consciously superior attitude I take about "dumbed down humor." Reflecting on it, I feel like I - foolishly - put a higher premium on being legitimately clever/provocative/whatever than on producing social capital from my banter. "Tone it down" is probably the perfect advice for me here, along with "shut up and follow the crowd."

5) All good points in your last part, though not entirely sure I understand the comment you're making about getting "stuck in." I think maybe I get in this trap of, when I'm out at a social function, if I'm interacting around my actual friends I don't give a fuck about putting on the social mask because why would I, but then that gets worse when I'm around strangers, where I fail to put on the happy bouncing around interactive guise because, I think, it could scare me to be vulnerable like that around people I don't know, because I give off such a strong impression on people regardless. And yeah, I definitely have a tendency to come off as overly intense, and have definitely fucked up with girls by, "being myself" like an idiot, dropping comments that were way too deep/spacey/intense for what the situation called for. Gotta find good ways to combat that.

As I said, thank you so much for everything you wrote, all of it helpful. Nothing was quite as on the nail as this though:

Quote:

Introspective above-average IQ guys like us have to avoid the trap of getting too in our heads, wimping out of approaching/being cheeky like your Irish mate, then getting into endless thought negative thought cycles beating ourselves up for not approaching and/or rationalizing it as being others' fault.

Facts, facts, facts. My tendency to over-intellectualize shit and get way too up into my own head is, I find, one of the core negative aspects of my personality. I've been fighting a long battle, trying to recognize when I'm letting it consume me and when that self-critical voice in my head gets too loud, and then actively trying to divert to a different mental state. Trying to live more actively in the present moment, of course, is one method of combating this trait of ours. You have any thoughts on other ways to counteract this tendency's more pernicious effects?

Again, thank you everyone for all the super helpful responses to this stuff.