[Guile]

Sydney Australia: I've seen a few Sydney guides, but for the most part they're a macro view of the city. When it comes to travelling, I know that time is an issue and with the geographical size of Sydney, you can get lost - So I've decided to write up a refined guide which trims the fat, and shows the best bang for your buck suburbs to stay in terms of nightlife, food and pussy.

I’ll get the obvious out of the way. Most of ya’ll think Sydney sucks right? I get it. It’s expensive, the women can have massive bitch shields, the media is pc central but despite this, I wouldn’t wanna live anywhere else. It’s been home all my life and I love it here. It doesn’t hurt that I know the place inside out, so I’ve made it work for me. With that said, this thread is for all those guys who visit Australia. Maybe you want to see the beaches. Maybe you want to see the outback. Well whatever your reason, you’ll undoubtedly stop in Sydney, and when you do, have a read of this because time and time again visitors come to Sydney, try to ‘pick-up’ and fail miserably. I’ll give you a big hint as to why: People head to the clubs, but the club scene is dead. In most cases, the big city nightclubs will just lead to an empty bank account and a night of Pornhub, but don’t worry. I’ll point ya'll in the right direction.

So first things first. You just bit the bullet and said ‘fuck it’, I’m going to Australia. Well that means you’re gonna need accommodation, and the best accommodation is your own place. If you have the cash, AirBnB is your best option, closely followed by Flatmate finder [Add a dot com dot au for the website].

From here, you’ll need to be smart with locations, and trust me when I say this: Your own apartment and a good location is 90% of the battle. Especially in Sydney which is spread out for miles. Now I’ve taken a screen shot of Sydney and numbered the two best bang for your buck areas to stay below:



As a preface, Sydney game operates a lot like L.A, you should absolutely play the odds, and prioritise the girls in closest proximity to your place. As a traveller, this is an easy pre-qualifier. Now this isn’t to say you can’t swoop girls who live outside your suburb, but it keep in mind it does add a potential cock block later on in the night when she starts thinking about taxi fares.

So, the locations I have selected are IMO, the best places in Sydney to stay as a traveller. Why? Two reasons. 1.) They are densely populated with local pubs*. 2.) Social circle is far less of a factor. This means you’ll have an easier time meeting people and an easier time getting them back to your place “for a drink”.

Local pubs*: Why is this important? Because as stated, club game in Sydney is largely dead. We have lockout laws in the city, logistics problems regarding ‘taking a girl home’ [$50 cab fare anyone?] and the usual: Women go to clubs for free drinks. As a ‘pick-up’ location it started to die in the mid 2000s. Straight up, if you come to Sydney planning on hitting the clubs in the city, you’re on a fast track for failure. Girls at local pubs however, have a far lower bitch shield, are far easier to approach, and likely live within walking distance of your pad. Just keep in mind that the best nights to go out are Thursday, Fri and Sat – But I’ll throw out some options for the other days too. Don’t worry.

Now, onto the specific location [And just FYI, I have no affiliation to any restaurant, bar or establishment that I mention]:

Location #1:

Bondi Beach. Why Bondi? It’s the perfect local hub. The beach. The tourists, and the fact that for the most part, it’s still Australia. You won’t feel like you’ve stepped into Mosul like you do out west.

So you just touched down in Sydney. You got to your accommodation. You’ve already swiped the shit out of every girl on tinder before having a quick nap. Now you’re probably hungry right? Go here. Milky Lane Bondi. A quick google search will bring it up. It’s the single best joint in Bondi [Although the deep fried Mars Bar @ Bondi Surf Seafood’s is a must].



Now you’ll probably note straight away that this food is unhealthy as fuck, so hot tip: Anytime Fitness, Fitness First, Snap and Plus fitness all offer free three-day gym trials. Say you’re new to Sydney, looking for a gym and boom: Three free days].

Now as far as other bars are concerned here are my recommendations:

The Beach Road Hotel. One of the biggest pubs in Bondi, The Beach Road Hotel has high foot traffic, a chill vibe and a decent amount of ‘beach babes’ and foreign travellers. Now if you’re talking to a girl and feel like you aren’t getting the bang that night, throw this out there: “You should come over for pre-drinks tomorrow”. In Australia, pre-drinks are universal. It’s where we buy a bunch of drinks from the bottle shop and get tipsy before heading to the bar. It saves a tonne of money, plus we’re alcoholics. As far as drinks are concerned, I always stock my fridge with some VB [A beer] for the guys and vodka, plus a soft drink and diet soft drink mixer for the girls. The other thing I’ll throw out there [And ya’ll probably know this already], but make sure you have the music banging, as well as a couple of fun drinking games ready to go – It’s fun, and fun gets the bang].

The Bucket List: This is great on a Saturday and Sunday. Especially from midday. In Australia we love something called a ‘Sunday Session’. As alcoholics, we quickly realised you can’t drink Sunday night and back up for work Monday morning so how do we solve this? We start drinking at midday and get home by about 8pm. Beautiful. For guys looking to pull, what better than a relaxed Sunday vibe, casually chatting to a girl. The bitch shield is just about invisible.

Bondi Bowling Club: In Australia, the worlds most boring sport has turned into a clever little way to eat, drink and socialise. Lawn bowls is basically the grass version of curling minus the broomstick. As a tourist, you have a foolproof way to meet friends and get pussy. How? Simple. You head to the bowling club on a Fri, Sat or Sun, walk up to a group of girls and say something like this: “Is this like ten pin bowling or what?”. The girls, desperate for a chance to teach you something will run through the intricacies of lawn balls and after two of the most boring minutes of your life are over, you introduce yourself and play.



El Topo Basement: Technically this is in Bondi Junction which will be a fifteen-minute walk from your Bondi Beach pad, but it’s definitely worth a visit. Why? Mamacita’s. Mamacita’s everywhere [Check El Topo Basement Google images. You’ll see what I mean]. Every Brazilian and babe within a five-mile radius comes to this joint. It’s open late. 99% of the girls live local, and they’re cute. Real cute. If you want to pick-up here your best options are dancing or smoking. If you don’t smoke like me, you can chill out in the smoking area to ‘get some air’ [I get the irony but it’s an opener with follow up potential].

The Cock ‘N’ Bull: Within a stones throw of El Topo; I’d be remiss if I didn’t mention this place. The Cock ‘N’ Bull is the premier Irish pub in Sydney. Almost everyone will be British or Irish. The amount of fucks given are almost 0. Now, I’m just gonna come out and say it. It’s really hard not to get laid here. The only problem? It’s about 80% trolls, but as they say: Even lizards gotta eat. Keep this place in mind if you strike out.

The Golden Sheaf: This is in the wealthy suburb of Double Bay just by the harbor and a five-ten minute Uber from Bondi. Everything is a little bit nicer here. The girls are the silk panty type. It doubles as both a pub and a nightclub, and you’ll find most girls live in and around the area. Logistics won’t be a problem.

Coogee: Now this suburb is four beaches down from Bondi or a ten minute Uber. It’s probably the no.1 backpacker spot for the British. Personally, I wouldn’t venture here just to try one bar, but I would go for the day:

Spend the afternoon at the beach. Have a steak lunch at the Coogee Bay Hotel or Ocean’s Dining and Drinks, then at night head down to the Coogee Pavilion. There’s one big ‘but’ however. Many of the girls at the Coogee Pavilion are Instagram ho’s who would fly to Dubai and have an Arab sheik shit on their chest, so smoke and mirrors game is big. Focus on whatever it is that makes you high value. For example, if you’re an accountant, just say you’re in finance and leave it at that. In other words, hint at status but never elaborate. That will work well here.

That said:

You don’t need to spend money or go to a bar to pick up. Far from it. You’re at Bondi Beach! If you ask me though, I say the best bang for your buck beach is Bronte [The second beach down from Bondi].

Bronte is smaller, picturesque and full of hot girls. In fact, I would say hot girls are the majority here. Slim, tanned [And generally wealthy – Meaning they’re probably the type of girl to get their asshole bleached lol]. Now, a lot of you guys may not know beach etiquette but it’s important. Especially when you understand that the girls [And guys] have grown up with these rules, so the moment you break one, you’ll trigger a bitch shield immediately. So with that in mind:

Don’t stand over a girl to initiate a conversation while she’s tanning. Don’t put your towel down next to a girl if there’s plenty of open space. And don’t get caught staring at the titties [Trust me, they’re everywhere].

Now with that said, it’s not hard to initiate conversation. You can do it in the water. You can set up a volleyball net and ask girls to join. You can walk along the grass to approach and finally, your best option: Having a BBQ. Buy some steak, buy a six pack invite girls over for a drink.

From mid afternoon to sunset [Mainly Sat], you’ll see groups starting to have mini parties. Groups from Brazil, groups from Poland, groups from the UK. If you head down around this time, you can easily make friends. Most people in the groups are just friends of friends anyway.



Oh and check out the Bronte rock pool at night. It’s free, well lit, and very cool. You can even bring a date if she’s down. Alternatively, you can come here bright and early. Jog over from Bondi, sweat out the alcohol and go for a dip. It’s a perfect hangover cure. Afterwards you can hit up one of the local café’s. Bronte Bello is my favourite. They have cute Brazilian waitresses and buckwheat pancakes. If you’re lucky you can probably get the digits of a sexy little booty babe.

On the topic of dates, if you do happen to snag one, I would use this as an opportunity to kill two birds with one stone. Obviously, there’s the basic tourist hot spots to check out, so I won’t go into those and at night, you probably can’t beat the old tapas/wine bar combo – But what I'll tell you, are some day-time options that won’t cost you a cent.

First and foremost: Coastal walks. Now if you’re a lazy cunt who doesn’t like exercise, you can skip this part lol. Based in the Eastern Suburbs of Sydney, you’ve got two main options. The Bondi to Coogee Coastal walk:



Or the Rose Bay to Watson’s Bay coastal walk. The former is a picturesque walk across the cliff tops whilst the latter hikes through the bushland, past the harbor.

So how would I do it? First things first, Sunday is your money day. Most girls do some form of exercise on a Sunday morning, as do I. Burns a lot of calories, and keeps my fat low on a bulk. That said, I figure, why not add a girl to the mix. So I usually spam all my Tinder matches [And honestly, I use Tinder as an IDGAF app], with the line: “I’d love to get to know you better – You wanna do a coastal walk tomorrow?”. I might get maybe 10% say yes. Then I just select the pick of the litter and go from there. [Oh and hot tip, during the walk you’ll pass a little fish store called ‘Doyle’s’ at Watson’s Bay. It has the best Fish and Chips in Sydney].



Another cool option for a date is Gordon’s Bay. Most tourists don’t know about this place but you’ll pass it on the Bondi to Coogee coastal walk. It’s a fantastic snorkelling spot where you can see Blue Groper fish, small sharks and a range of other fish.

Location #2:

In and around Surry Hills. Formerly a run down, rent controlled inner city neighbourhood in the 90’s, Surry Hills has become a trendy cosmopolitan hub [It’s also full of gays, but I’ll steer you clear of them]. The primary reason I’ve put Surry Hills as the second hub is due to it’s proximity to multiple bars, the city, and the awesome food.

So you just touched down in Sydney. You had a nap in your Surry Hills pad and you want to eat. Where to go? I can’t limit this to one option so I’m just gonna throw out a laundry list here [And to find them, a simple search of the name online followed by Surry Hills should suffice]:

Queenies: A Jamaican reggae restaurant built on top of a pub. You can’t go wrong with anything, but if you like spice, the Jerk Chicken is next level. For dessert there is only one option worth eating. The banoffee pie. It’s on par with pussy. Trust me.

Johnny Wong’s Dumpling Bar: Go on Wednesday. They do $1 dumplings. Some of the best dumpling’s in Sydney.

Bar Ume Surry Hills: Bar Ume to me is like White Castle to Harold and Kumar. Get me high and I’ll fuck Rosie O’Donnell just for a sniff of the Fish Katsu Burger. The only problem, you’ll be channelling Vince Vega when you see the price. “Fifteen dollars for a burger? It ain’t got not crack in it or nothin’?”. No. It does not have crack, but it's just as good.

Goro’s: Japanese food and drinks. They also have Karaoke, pool tables and arcade machines. Monday is your best bet with $1 gyoza.

The Dove and Olive: On Wednesday’s they do a $10 steak. When you travel there’s a tendency to eat shit, but you can’t go wrong with steak.

From here, where do you go to pick up girls? Look, in Surry Hills your options are pretty massive but I know travellers don’t normally have the luxury of time, so once again, here’s the best bang for your buck.

The Beresford Hotel: This multi-story story bar/nightclub is the largest in the area. Ground level houses an indoor and outdoor bar whilst upstairs is a large bar, dance floor and lounge area. Most girls head upstairs around midnight. Unlike Bondi, you’ll need a button shirt for this place.



The Standard: The Standard is a cool little bar which has a four lane bowling alley inside. It’s a no brainer for breaking the ice and meeting new people.

Trill: A personal favourite of mine if you like Hip Hop music. Expect to see a higher proportion of Asian and black girls here. When you’re gaming, up your aggression levels a little. These girls listen to lyrics like:

“Bitches ain’t shit but hoes and tricks/ Lick on these nuts and suck the dick” – You can be a little more forward with your intentions. It’ll work more often than not.

World Bar and The Kings Cross Hotel: Located in King’s Cross, both these bars are close enough that you shouldn’t be cock blocked by location.

World Bar generally has a line, but should be your primary option if you head to King’s Cross. It has multiple dance floors and a smoking area. The King Cross Hotel is multiple levels with multiple music options. Pick your favourite and go to work. Once upon a time King’s Cross was an almost guaranteed bang, but with lockout laws the vibe has changed. I wouldn't prioritise it.

The CBD: Now before I tell ya’ll your best options, believe me when I say, the CBD is a trap if you don’t know what you’re doing, so with that in mind, here’s what I would do.

1.) Don’t make pussy the priority otherwise you’re setting yourself up for failure. Instead, focus on having a good time. Keep in mind lockout laws will be in effect, so you won’t be getting into bars after 1am. My solution? Start early.

If you’re here with friends, buy a six pack and head to the botanic gardens. You’ll have an awesome view of the harbor, a chill environment for day game and a little sun while you share some drinks and conversation.

If that doesn’t sound like your jam, check out Chinatown for some Yum Cha. Golden Unicorn is a reliable option [Although I would rank the Sydney Fish Market’s Yum Cha as the best in Sydney – The salt and pepper prawns are like heroin].

From here, I would pick out a place with a view to share a few drinks through to sunset. The Shelbourne Hotel is a good option. It has high foot traffic, and a lot of women looking to let their hair down after work, but the real beauty of this joint is a little place called Scary Canary up the road [But more on that in a moment].

My wild card for pre-drinks however is The Concourse Bar situated inside Wynyard Train Station. I used to come here with work mates during lunch. They have $5 beer, pool tables and topless waitresses. I figure, I could pre-drink at a normal bar, or I could pre-drink with bouncing titties walking round the room. They’re also friendly. I even managed to snag a number once. That said, ya’ll might be a little classier than me.

Now onto Scary Canary. First thing’s first. It’s the easiest bang in the CBD. The joint is 50% back packers, 50% locals. Best days are ‘Wet Wednesday’ where they pull out the foam machine and ‘Make Out Monday’. Speaks for itself right?

From here, as stated previously, you could check out Scary Canary but if you’re not too keen on backpackers, or you want something a little nicer, walk down to Darling Harbor. Your two best options are Cargo Bar and The Loft. Both bars are more or less the same deal. A cocktail lounge/dance floor with a view of the harbor. A word to the wise: Be very careful about the location of girls you talk to. The bars at Darling Harbor get a sizeable portion of their demographic from North of the Bridge. So pre-qualify.

Now with all that in mind, if I can give you one big piece of advice. Don’t go to a nightclub called ‘The Ivy”. No matter what anyone says, you’re wasting your time. You’ll pay a huge cover charge. You’ll wait in a long queue and for what? Bad music and an empty bank account.

With that said, if you have your heart set on shit music and a cover charge, head over to ‘The Star’ Casino. Why? Well their main nightclub, ‘Marquee’ is much like the Ivy, but you’ve also got gambling which makes everything more fun right? The other reason is a little bar called Rock Lily. Friday, Sat and Sun they have live music, usually performing Rock Songs from the 80’s, and while this isn’t my jam, the dolled up MILF’s looking for D are. So before you head upstairs to Marquee, pay Rock Lily a visit. And just a heads up, be a little more forward with the sexual innuendo. The MILF’s here love it.

What about day game? Surry Hills isn’t great but a short walk/bus to circular quay and you’ve found one of the best places in Sydney for day game. Darling Harbor likewise. If you do manage to pull and want a sure fire way to impress – here’s a cool tip to kick off your date: Blu Bar 36 at The Shangri-La Hotel. You’re basically buying an amazing sky rise view of the harbor for the price of a $10 drink.

Your other option is to kill two birds with one stone. A generic sightseeing choice, combined with a date. My two best recommendations are: Taronga Zoo. [Making sure you get a selfie with the giraffes for Tinder. Trust me, it's gold].



Or my go to date which is as follows: I meet the girl at Circular Quay. Take the ferry to Manly wharf. Have some butterscotch schnapps at the Bavarian Bier Café [Directly outside the Wharf] before going on the Quarantine Station Ghost tour. This is historically where people were quarantined before entering Australia. Many died and are said to ‘haunt’ the grounds. It’s an easy way to escalate, and the Ferry, drinks and ghost tour are like three dates in one [And ya’ll know what happens on the third date]. With that said, the biggest reason I bring it up is because I enjoy it.

Another go to, just like with Bondi is the Manly coastal walk. This walk might just be the very best in Sydney combining the beach, the harbor and some incredible views. It’s also 10 kilometres so it can take a while. Now if your walk’s on a Saturday, at some point during the walk you’ll likely hear music pumping and you’ll wonder? WTF is that? Well this walk passes numerous ‘secret’ beaches on the harbor, and anchored just off the beach are numerous boats. What are they doing? Partying of course.

Now this is probably only feasible for guys coming as a crew, but I’ll put it out there just in case. For around $1500 you can get a decent party boat, packing around 20 people, to cruise round the harbor, docking at secret beaches for around 5 hours. With about ten guys you'll pay $150 each. Just add girls and you'll feel like a rockstar for a day.

The other option if you don't have a crew is the Island. It’s a ‘beach club’ floating in the middle of the harbor. The crowd is much like you would expect at the previously mentioned ‘Coogee Pavilion’. The obvious problem here is that you’re on an island so the bang is difficult. With that said, it’s a cool experience, and if you have a spare 45 bucks, it’s a great pre-drinking option.





Other points of interest:

I haven’t touched on every Sydney suburb because a.) Sydney is huge and b.) Most visitors don’t have months to go everywhere. In anycase, what I have mentioned is covers most of your bases. If I was going to mentioned two more locations for food, women and nightlife however, they would be Manly and Newtown.

Manly operates much like Bondi. The big difference being that it’s North of the Bridge and slightly more ‘social circle’ orientated due to it’s isolated location. If you do venture across – The best joint is Hotel Steyne. You need standing room to pick-up and the big negatives with the popular alternatives in The Manly Wharf Hotel and Hugo’s is that floorspace sucks. Hotel Steyne however, has it in spades.

My close second would be Daniel San Beachside Dojo. It’s got a funky vibe, with the girls being a slightly less ‘basic’ version of what you’ll find at the ‘Coogee Pavilion’. Oh and the KFC [Korean Fried Chicken] is dope AF.

My third pick would be Papi Chulo, but mainly for the food. I would recommend it as a place to start the night rather than a place to stay. Regarding the menu, you can discard 90% of the options and just focus on the BBQ. Their smokehouse makes a mean meat platter.

Newtown:

Hipster central, aka fag heaven. This place isn't a must visit, but if you've seen all of the above and want a change of scenery, I'll point you in the right direction.

So first off, what's the upside of coming here? No lockout laws, good food and a big party hub for the university students who attend Sydney University a few blocks over. [Speaking of University, their main party location is ‘Manning Bar’. It’s worth checking their website to see what’s on – You can also check out ‘The Roundhouse’ on Facebook. This is the main party organiser for the University of NSW. The girls are far worse than Sydney University, but every now and then they’ll throw a good party. Both good options if you're comfortable gaming a room full of 20yr olds].

Now before I detail the bars, there are some places I would advise against. No.1) Kelly’s on King. It’s an Irish bar with a garbage crowd. Mostly fatty fat fats and cigarette smoke. It also smells.

Holey Moley. This is an 18-hole mini golf bar. While the concept is cool, the space is cramped, the air gets thick, and the stench of deep fried foods makes you nauseous. If you meet a girl, there’s a good chance she’ll ask you to check it out. Try and avoid it.

Unlike the other locations, Newtown can be hit and miss depending on the crowd, so you might have to bar hop depending on the vibe. Your best bets are as follows: The Marlborough Hotel, The Bank Hotel and Zanzibar, all located in close proximity on King Street, all ordered in terms of best odds to get the bang. Now, each of these places are a variation of the same. You won’t need to dress up. A simple t-shirt and jeans will suffice.

That about wraps it up. From my experience, many guys come here with a Vegas, New York or London mentality. They head out to the big city nightclubs, get shut down, and ultimately write off Sydney as an overpriced city with stuck up girls before heading off, maybe a little bitter for the experience. While I understand the thought process, I think it’s worth pointing out that a big reason for the failure, is a misunderstanding of how the city works. The club scene is largely dead and the logistics make things tough.

You just have to put yourself in the mind of a girl to begin to understand why club game in this city is a cruel mistress. They put on their make-up for an hour. They take a long cab ride to the city. They line up for 20+ minutes. They enter a crowded club with loud music. Get hit on a dozen times before you've made your opener, which, if successful has a very strong chance of going nowhere purely due to the fact that a long cab ride is ticking time bomb. It's doomed from the get go.

Contrast this with the local scene. Girls put on some natural make up. Meet some friends in a relaxed environment and either walk, or take a 5 minute cab to the bar. Guys hardly approach. They know they can walk home if need be. And the result is a bitch shield 10x lower. So when you come to Sydney, keep location in mind, understand that the club scene is a trap and you’ll find this place is no harder to pick-up than most places round the world, and as a guy who’s done considerable travel, that’s the honest truth. Peace.