[The Lizard of Oz]

etwsake,

A lot of the advice you received in this thread is excellent and all of it is well-intentioned. However, much of it is counterproductive at this point because it reinforces the main problem you have.

Unlike what you and others believe, that main problem isn't that you're fat. The main problem is that you consider yourself a "loser" and you have intense emotions of shame and self-loathing about being fat, and other supposed failures. These emotions of shame and self-loathing are making you miserable and preventing you from being able to solve your other problems (which are really not all that bad). Once you can let go of these negative thoughts and emotions, you will have a much better life. Maybe you will still be fat, and maybe you won't be; either way, it's not the end of the world.

You need to stop this cycle of guilt and self-flagellation. It's of no use to you, and it's not necessary. This is the real work you have to do, and it's far more important than losing weight.

I wrote this post to you about a year ago in a different thread, and every word in it remains true and relevant. Please read it carefully and more than once. And I hope you will take a look at the REBT thread linked to at the end of the post, and also consider talking to a CBT/REBT therapist; I'm sure you can find one in Japan or even online if necessary.

Here is the post from last year:

(06-02-2016 08:27 AM)The Lizard of Oz Wrote:  

etwsake,

The intense emotions of self-loathing that you are feeling are the result of certain thoughts. You feel a certain way because you think a certain way.

Instead of just trying to change the way you feel, you should examine those thoughts. Are they really true, and justified? Are they rational? Or are they completely irrational and persist because they've never been examined, but you just accept them and take them for granted.

Here are some examples:

You're fat, and have gained 30 pounds in the past 2 months as you say.

Here are your thoughts:

-- It is a disaster to be so fat. It's a catastrophic situation that MUST not be
-- I'll always be fat and will never be able to lose weight. So the catastrophe continues and there is no hope.

Now, are these thoughts TRUE?

No, they're not. Here is the reality:

First, being fat is not ideal -- it is better for your health and looks to have a normal weight. So it's unfortunate.

But just because it's unfortunate, is it a CATASTROPHE, is it a DISASTER? No, it sure isn't. People who are fat can have perfectly good and enjoyable lives. There are many successful people, politicians, actors, scientists, whatever, -- as well as just normal people -- who are fat. It's not ideal but is it the end of the world? Of course not. It's really not the worst problem to have.

You have to understand that this is the TRUTH: being fat is not ideal, but it's also not a life-ending disaster. You always thought it was a shameful catastrophe, but it just isn't. You need to examine the irrational thought that leads to these feeling of shame and despair.

There are other things:

You probably think that being fat shows that you have no ability to control yourself -- you overeat and can't control that, and this is SHAMEFUL and shows that you are a loser who has no willpower. And this is some sort of disaster.

Guess what -- again, you are catastrophizing the situation. It may be true that you've had little self-control with respect to this. So fucking what? It's not the end of the world. Yes, it's a flaw -- it would be better if you had more self-control. But is it a disaster, a catastrophe, a reason for your life to end because it's so shameful? Of course not, in fact that is a LAUGHABLE idea. But you believe it because you've never once considered that it might just be wrong.

Further, you believe that because things have been a certain way in the past, they can never change in the future. Again, this is just objectively not true. Things can and do change sometimes, it may not be easy and it may take a number of tries but it does happen. You think, oh but it can never happen to me, I'm a LOSER. Well maybe, but how can you be so sure? What is it that allows you to know the future all the way to the end? Are you a seer and a prophet as well as a "loser"? You just "know" it will never change. HOW do you know that?

And again, suppose it never changes. Suppose you always remain fat, suppose you don't achieve some other goals. Does that mean that you can't enjoy your life in other ways? Of course not. If you let go of your self-loathing and just RELAX you could enjoy it a great deal. You don't have to win every battle. It's best to address a flaw; but sometimes it can be accepted. Either way, it's not a catastrophe, you're just making it into one.

All you really need to do is not drink alcohol because that IS a path that can quickly become something like a catastrophe. There are ways to come back from that as well but it's best to just not go down that path. And of course there is no need to.

You may benefit from reading the following thread about REBT/CBT and reading Albert Ellis' "Guide to Rational Living". All these extreme emotions are the result of irrational ideas and bad habits of thought; if you challenge and dispute the irrational ideas, the emotions will change as well:

thread-28873.html

I hope you find these thoughts to be of some use.