Monday
• Pugg Mahones (City) – Pulls a younger crowd. Often have a live band. Been a long time since I have been. It smells. It does get a busy crowd for a Monday night, mostly quite young. Cheap drinks are another drawcard. Free Entry
• Public Bar (North Melbourne/QVM) – If you want to drown your Blue Monday sorrows in watered down RIDICULOUSLY cheap beer ($4.50 a jug!!!! Although it is Geelong Bitter), and meet some hot back packers, you my friend have found the perfect venue. Younger ‘uni’ crowd. It was Free Entry but word is they now charge $5 Entry, if you’re there to drink one jug should even out the cover charge.
- If you want to get ridiculously trashed, head here. You'll get hot foreign back packers, but the place smells like smoke and spew and stale bear. 5/10 - Vamped
• Neighbours Night (St Kilda) – A secret weapon, if you’re after Backpackers (or the cast of Neighbours) and willing to pay the price. In summer, this event packs out quick – for this reason all year round its bookings only. You get to meet some of the cast of Neighbours, and this invariably draws lots of foreigners (English). Only held once a month. Entry Fee an outstanding $40.
• Odeon (Crown) – Although I’ve not been, I’ve never been a fan of anything to do with Crown and going out. I play poker there, the nightclubs there often draw all sorts of dregs of society. Interested to hear some reviews. Cheap drinks and as far as I know – Free Entry
- Pulls the hospitality crowd, quite a few hotties, can be hit or miss though. 7/10 – Vamped
Tuesday
City
• Eurotrash – Younger crowd, used to be very ‘indie’, less so now – but still not your platinum blondes venue. Known as the Lair venue – you’ll always bump into someone off here in there. Gets good after 11ish. Lots of dancing, smallish smoking areas and can get packed. Opens till late. Free Entry
- Pretty dead at the moment, give it 3 weeks and this place is going to be fucking PUMPING with uni gone! Really indie venue, if you like indie girls GTFIH! But there are also usually a bunch of mainstream girls that end up here, usually quite a few HOTTIES. The only downside is the music is indie electro, which imo is the worst music to dance to 7.5/10 - Vamped
Hawthorn/Glenferrie
This is the place to be on a Tuesday, it offers a nice diverse range of venues for all tastes, close to the city and open late.
• Nevermind – Originally a very attractive crowd, young and usually from the area, but seems to be declining as more people get onto it. Can get very busy, especially during summer – often very clicky groups. Bar, no dancefloor, lots of outside smoking area. Open till 3 Free Entry
- If you want somewhere where you cant fucking move, packed only with small tight nit social circles, that smells like crap, with shit music, and shit service, with the biggest fucking line wait in melbourne, head here Wink 3/10 - Vamped
• Hawthorn – Cheap and cheerful, perfect for those who play footy, wear fluro or brightly coloured slogan t-shirts, dye their tips blonde and wear sharktooth necklaces. Girls are quite made up. Crowd often come from Ringwood + area, VERY young crowd often under 18 – especially Tuesday – gets pretty busy and can be a long line. Has a dance floor, a busy bar and plenty of outdoor smoking room. Due to liquor licensing it shuts early (12-1ish) Free Entry
• Canvas – Much newer bar in Glenferrie area, pulls a jumbled crowd, similar to the Nevermind, but usually slightly older. Very hit and miss with how busy it is. Free Entry
• Room – If you like shafting ecstasy tablets, you have found your venue. Loud cheap and nasty – much like the people that go there. Unlike the above venues, this is a club first and foremost, loud music and all. Younger crowd, some with fake ID’s. When there are scheduled events, this place can get packed, with lines reaching upto 50m. Open till late Entry ($10-20 Non Event nights)
- From the 2 times I've been, the place is packed wall to wall with hot slu... I mean hot girls Smiley VERY uni crowd, the amount of psychology students you'll meet there is fuckin daunting haha. Drink prices are meh, plenty of platinum blondes and EFNIK GURLZZZ as well as a bunch of just really cute girls. People here are pretty friendly to talk to! 8/10 - Vamped
• Cheers/Caseys – This is where the Hawthorn crowd go after the Hawthorn (fluro shirts and all), its quite big and a very good venue(structure wise) with lots of different large rooms. Younger crowd. It can sometimes be good for a laugh and Toss the Boss(chance to flip a coin for free drinks). Open late, but get in earlier to dodge lines (too early ie before 10pm and you’ll be the only one there). Entry Fee ($10-$20)
- Used to be awsome, as it started going downhill I stopped going... Always had a LOT of attractive girls, even though on the odd occasion you'd run into a 16 year old hahaha. It's really much more of a club feel, with the top floor playing commercial house, sometimes the dj's can play half decent sets, but I wouldn't be going here for the music. Toss the boss is well worth it when you win(Yes once had a winning streak of 12 toss's in a row, giving me about $230 worth of drinks... had the manager ask me not to play anymore hahaha) 8/10 – Vamped
Wednesday
City
Others
• Harp (Kew) – Gets quite busy, regular crowd usually younger and often a few “muzzas”. Get more of a feel for it herehttp://www.myspace.com/harpoferin For a Wednesday (who goes out Wednesday?!) not bad. Free Entry.
• The Saint (St Kilda) – Pulls a good crowd, reasonably attractive and quiet bustling. Youngish crowd House music, although other rooms play R’n’B and ‘Hip Hop’. Probably get my vote for a Wednesday night out. $5 Entry Fee on Guestlists.
• Edgy (Mentone) – If you are contemplating going here, I’m sorry – chances are you live round there, and its definitely not optimal going out area. The Mentone pulls a very “Hawthorn Crowd” the guys are jocky bright t shirt wearers, and the girls are bleach blonde or dyed black girls. Sometimes some big acts play there (Grant Smillie, John Course and Pot Belleez). I believe there is an Entry Fee.
Thursday
City
• Seven – Just out of the city off St. Kilda Rd. Unlucky Thursday’s pulls a slightly watered down Indie/House crowd, much like you’d see on a Tuesday night at the Nevermind. Very attractive women, not so attractive music – trashy house and R’n’B beats. Entry fee ($10-$20).
-Seven nightclub... All I can say is wow. I can say that this venue SINGLE HANDEDLY has the biggest volume of attractive girls I have ever seen(yes more then at cq), it's ridiculous(heres a hint, they actually have a guy that walks up and down the lines and tells ugly/fat girls that they can't come in... I'd hate to have that guys job LMAO). Get here before 10(and by before 10 I seriously mean it) if you want to get in, and have a glist in hand. Place gets fuckin PACKED, music is pretty standard stuff. One thing, the crowd is young. And by young, i mean like be prepared for every 4th girl you meet to be fuckin 16.. Had to great nights here, everyone was really friendly, good atmosphere. 8/10 - Vamped
Chapel Street
• Lucky Coq – I really like this place, cheap Pizzas and a really unpretentious crowd, a good jumble of young and old – good beer on tap and chill tunes. Not the place to be if you’re after a massive night, but if you’re in good company you will have fun here. Free Entry
• Electric Ladyland – Sometimes incorrectly called Electric Lady Lounge, its actually named after the last Hendrix Experience album me thinks. It probably bigger on a Saturday night. Pulling an older crowd. Its quite posh, you climb those massive stairs to get to a pretty cool looking joint. Plenty of 'couch time', don't come here to drink though, its certainly not cheap!
• 161 – Used to be the place to be seen at on a Thursday. Very exclusive and often hard to get into (although I’ve gotten in recently after they asked me if I was on a guestlist – and replied no – although I did get a look up and down). Has definitely fallen off in terms of popularity and crowd potential. Gets busy later, so don’t get there early (before 10:30pm) unless you want to guarantee entry. Entry fee
- Dirty, sexy, awsome, young. Great house music played here, the girls are gorgeous, the drinks are decent prices, the drugs are plenty, the dancing a lot. If you dislike noisy venues, stay away! 8/10 - Vamped
• QBar – The honours should go to Vamped on this one, because I’m not a huge fan – first up you have to cough up money for entry, although I got a free drink with that. I knew shit was wrong when I went to redeem my ‘free’ drink and the only choice of beers were Corona, Heineken, other shit beers and nothing on tap. Loud and quite a young crowd that picks up later in the night. Many are gacked off their faces. Reminds me a bit of Room. Entry Fee ($10-20)
- Probably my favourite venue. Girls are fucking amazingly hot, any given week you will see a couple of "10's", the venue itself is quite small, the vibe of the place is a very intimate, party atmosphere. You literally could try and be here and ATTEMPT to not talk to anyone, and people would just start talking to you. Music is fucking awsome, spirits are $4!!!! before 12, and it's busy right through till 4 or 5 am, and dies around then. - Vamped
• White Charlie - Sadly I can't agree with Jamies view, it does have a cool interior design but thats about it. House ain't my forte. Many of the partons are in the process of frying their brains. Upstairs has a very nice outside area. Not a horrible venue but not one I'd choose to go back to. Entry Fee
- Once again, another funky house club. Alot of people hit white charlie before going to 161, so if youve been to 16 you know the type of crowd to expect. It is a house club but the DJs generally mix quite a few genres into their sets which can be a bit hit and miss on the dance floor but when it works its great. The place is quite small (about the size of long room. Half the club is a dance floor while the other half is a chill out section where the music is at a level where you can actually hold a conversation with somebody which is very refreshing in a night club) so expect to get there early. - JamieP
- I rate as a good place to start off, chat to some girls, see if any of em want to head off to a club with you. Very small venue, usually decent music on, drinks are kinda pricey. 7/10 - Vamped
Greville St
Off Chapel – defiantly a look into if in the area
• Boutique – In its prime, and still probably today, if you want the highest ratio of attractive girls in Melbourne, this is the place to go. I’ve only been a year or so ago and its VERY hard to get into without females/connections. Younger crowd and they play House/Electro music. Entry Fee ($10-$20)
- Right next to station, in here you will find your 10's. 18 year old daughters of millionaires living in st kilda, quite a bit of pretentiousnes, but it's worth going atleast once. Don't have more then 1 guy with you, and get a guest list just in case. The musics commercial stuff that everywhere plays, drinks are RIDICULOUSLY expensive, DO NOT WANT. 7.5/10 - Vamped
• Station – Where those that don’t get into Boutique go. Pulling a similar but less exclusive and up market crowd. Otherwise I don’t know too much info.
- Don't like the place tbh. But you get some hotties, and it's free, and it's on chaple(its saving grace) 6/10 - Vamped
Other
• Night Cat (Brunswick St) – Thursday nights is Salsa night at the Night Cat. An hour sets you back $15. They cater for beginners to advanced (depending on what time you go). Older crowd I’m told. After 9:30 it turns back into a club, focusing on the Salsa theme. Before 9:30pm $15 (for the cost of the lesson) after, Free Entry.
• The Pool Room (Ferntree Gully) - Bread and butter! Love this place, had many a good sober/drunk time here! Always have heaps of bartenders serving, so drink waiting times is absolutelyfucking nil, you can play pool too, which is a great convo starter/fun thing to do! The girls here are always hot, theres usually a stunner or two here, the music they play is a mix of radio house, radio rnb and old rock songs played by the cover band. Crowd is very young uni crowd, mostly friendly(although I have been in a couple punchons here, cheap drinks do that to retarded guys) With heaps of free parking right outside the door. 9/10 - Vamped
• Orange Whip (Ringwood) - Girls LOVE this venue. Seriously. Young, hot, messy. 7.5/10 Vamped
• X-Base (St Kilda) - This is probably the biggest backpacker party in town. Cheap drinks, ladies get drinks for free (guys dressed like girls too, and these are backpackers and they'd do it). Lots of hotties, especially in summer. Went this weekend, was a huge line made of guys which wasn't moving... I fucked off but at least they're doing crowd control. - QBall
• The Vineyard (St Kilda) - Awesome venue. Pretty much every night (except Mon-Tue-Wed lol). Really chilled out relaxed nice crowd. Hot girls. Backpackers too at times. Is a restaurant during the day, during night they remove the chairs and create a dancefloor + there are live shows there. – Qball
Friday
City
• Long Room – Ahh good ol’ Long Room. It quite literally a long room. An older crowd, often in suits – it is hard to get into if you aren’t dressed up (although Liam got in – that speaks for itself!). The guys here are mostly very ‘Alpha’ in the way they carry themselves. The girls are quite friendly if you aren’t a wanker but its much more chatting than dancing/getting rowdy. Free Entry P.S. For wank factor it has a guy that hands you towels after you piss. Great.
• Work shop – Really cool venue, head up stairs and you get an oddly laid out environment, much like the crowd it pulls, Fridays is a slighty older crowd (mid 20’s) and a good mix, the girls are slightly a little left of centre, and not the mainstream Platinum type. Good choice of drinks behind the bar, interesting music and nice vibe. Free Entry.
• Transport – What locations place wouldn’t be complete without Transport, especially a Lair one. The home away from homes of the lair this joint crawls with “PUA”s, mainly on a Saturday. Older crowd. Cool looking bar, pity the same can’t be said about the people that go there. Harsh but fair cop. Expect to line up for a while if you get there later. Especially Saturdays. Free Entry
• Fashion Keyboard (Escobar) – Very strict on dress code. Older people trying to do indie. Pulls some cuties. Entry Fee.
• Cookie/The Toff/Rooftop - Three very distinct venues, but all in the one building, so naturally its the same crowd that bar hops between each one. Speaking of crowd its a generally old bunch with a more classy twist. Three great bars - my pick, if you have the fitness to climb all the stairs and its not too windy or cold(summer is best - sometimes they turn it into a rooftop Cinema which is a perfect date, not so much for partying) is Rooftop. The Toff has a very cool booth setup with closing doors perfect for that secluded isolation - it also features a small dancefloor. Cookie has plenty of drinks and also offers a good dining experience if you get in earlier. Free Entry
• CQ - What is a real melbourne experience without a trip to one of melbournes largest night clubs. CQ is a mix of the older cooperate after work crowd and your young good looking crowd. This place attracts some of melbournes hottest women but offers alot of competition as most of the guys there look like male models as well. The place is very large with a cool out doors area. It can be hard to get into if you go after 11 and if your in a group of guys bigger than 2 make sure you bring some girls with you.. and dress up. The music in the main room is house and they have an rnb room upstairs(entry fee is $20 as memory serves) - JamieP
- Only place I've been worth mentioning on a friday night is CQ. My god! The quality here is GODLIKE! Easily some of the HOTTEST girls in melbourne. Musics kinda shit, dress to impress. 8/10. - Vamped
• Baroq - If you want wank and exclusivity this place has it in spades. Being very hard to get into makes it a draw card to big names, Jennifer Hawkins and Mark Phillaposous to name a few. Everything is class here, from the decor to the drinks - the prices reflect that too. It has lots of 'talking room' and down stairs a room to dance. That said I did finger a girl in the middle of the main room while everyone walked passed. Not easy to get in but worth scoping out just to say you've been. Jackets and dress shoes are required and an Entry Fee applies.
- Very similar to Boutique. The lay out of the club is amazing. Its class class class all the way. The age group is early to mid 20s crowd. It can be a little stuck up, so make sure you go with a fun group of people. Also their very picky with who they let in so make sure you dress up. They play house/electro and some old school rnb in the upstairs area towards the end of the night - JamieP
• Manchester Lane - Went here with Jboy to see jewish musical act, the way he made it out, I thought I was going to be the only person in the bar with an unchopped dick - I was quite suprised, turned out to a really cool venue (and the guys who played turned out to be just another musical act - nothing distinguishably 'jewish' about it - I was imagining jew curls and all). The only thing I really could whine about was how long it took to get served, I could have watched grass grow in the time it took to serve me and pour a beer. Physically this is a really impressive place, nice bar, dining area and an almost amphitheater that sits below the bar somewhere I'd keep in mind if I was taking a girl out on a date. There was an Entry Fee, to cover the bands playing. Not sure about other nights.
- really nicely laid out bar with a sunken dance floor where they play live jazz/soul/folkey kind of music. Its a really interesting venue with nice boofs that you can sit in and listen to the music while you have a few drinks. I really like this place when Im looking to relax and go somewhere different. the crowd is alot older. It ranges from mid 20s to late 40s - Jamie P
• Xclusive at the Avenue. - This place isnt for the light hearted. Theirs usually as many cops hanging outside this club as their is people lined up waiting to go in. Its mainly an african and latino crowd who go here. If you like your rnb/crunk/raggaeton, this is the place to be to get your grind on. - JamieP
• Eve - Friday nights are Asian night but everybody is welcome. I love going to this place with my asian buddies and being "the token white guy" of the night. Asian nights are alot of fun, everybody is on the dance floor making the most of the night and theirs no pretentiousness going on. - JamieP
• Fusion - The first few times I went to fusion I wasnt a fan, but this place has earned a soft spot for those moments where "you just dont know where to go and feel like having a trashy night". The dress code is fairly lenient here and theyll let most people in providing your not too intoxicated and the drinks there are usually quite cheap, especially if you get there before 11 when they have drink specials. If your looking for an easy place to pick up then look no further. The beauty of fusion is alot of people who are just visiting melbourne and dont know where to go end up there because its at crown. The crowd is very mixed, you'll lyterally find a bit of everything there. Theirs no pretentiousness going on there so most people are looking to have a pretty fun night. Its house in the main room and rnb upstairs. - JamieP
• The Pub - This place has free entry and will let anybody in. Its right next to sanity. Its not anything special but alot of people seem to end up there before going to the upstairs clubs or for a gamble at the casino so its worth going in there and doing a lap or 2 to see whats going on. Although dont get your expectations too high. - JamieP
• Tony Starr's Kitten Club – This bar has a great setup (if you can find it) and fantastic original coctails, try the cool as a cucumber for a refreshing change to that swill you've been drinking. Slightly older crowd (mid 20s- early 30s), and can attract the after workers on a friday night. It gets busier as the night goes on, peaking at about 1.00. No beer on tap, average drink prices. Live Jazz on the third floor with a secluded love section at the back. Free entry. - Powermad
• Chill On Ice bar - The entire bar is made of ice. and when I say the entire bar I mean everything! from the bar itself, to the floor, the seats that you sit on. even the glasses you drink out of are made of ice! and afterwards you can smash your glass. As you go in there they offer you eskimo outfits to keep you warm (although your still freezing). Then afterwards you can go upstairs to their "chill out bar" where they play chilled out music along with old school kung fu movies. Its a great place to take a girl and seems to end up in them cuddling upto you to keep warm while in the ice bar - JamieP (PLEASE NOTE: That there is a $30 entry fee and that each session lasts 30 mins in the Ice room - Mildawg)
• The Red Hummingbird - They have a great list of cocktails that they make before your eyes and the real beauty of it is their amazingly priced for quality cocktails. $15 will get you a single or for $30 you can get a jug which is the equivelant of 4 cocktails. It also has a great roof top seating area which has a great view of the city. The one down side to this place though is its lack of music and when I say lack of music... the place is in complete silence with no music what so ever. - Jamie P
• Baraki - Friday and Saturday nights after 10 they have live soul/RNB music. Most of the groups who play there are amazing and they play everything from originals to jill scott, erykah badu, al green and dangelo covers. If your into soul music this is the place to be. The crowd is very mixed but if your a real music fene then most people are quite friendly and very willing to have a chat and make a new friend. Its not everybodys cup of tea but its one of my fav places to be when Im just wanting to have a chilled night out.
Other
• Boutique (Greville St) – Fridays is smaller than both Thursday and Saturday. They play trashy 80’s music, but I hear there are still a fair few hotties. Not sure about entry fee but I’m guessing so.
• Chasers (Chapel St) - Like omg! this place is fully sick! if you like to mix steroids with your bickies and take your shirt off on the dance floor while getting into a flex off competition with your bros then this is the place to be. This club can be pretty full on, but all jokes aside it attracts alot of hot and horny girls which can make the occasional visit to this club worth its while. - Jamie P
• Precinct Hotel (Richmond) - Right next to Richmond train station, this large and busy venue has dancefloor with live cover bands Fri/Sat, massive outdoor area and great layout. Generally attracts a slightly older, sporty crowd (22 - 35) with plenty of hotties and it's a very easy venue to work. Be sure to get there before 9.30 on Saturday if you don't want to queue for a ridiculous amount of time. - Adam
• The Collection (Richmond) - If you're after some post work drinks or some nice cocktails in a friendly environment this small bar could be a winner. Although its small, it does have seating outside on Bridge Rd, perfect for taking in the ambiance of Richmond whilst sipping on your apple martini. It pulls one or two hotties and plenty of chumps that think a way to a girls heart is to buy them a drink. Free Entry
Saturday
City
• E55 – If you need a warm up or warm down location, this is it. Very laid back, its hidden underground on Elizabeth St. Playing mixed style of music from Reggae/Dub to Hip Hop to Soul to Funk, it supports its funky vibe with cool artwork from amateur artists that you can actually buy. Its dimly lit and open during the day. Perfect for isolation or a day 2. Free Entry.
• Croft Institute – Creepy meets cool. Or at least it used to be, been around for years, used to pull a really cool crowd. Thursday nights used to be its big night, but now it requires a Saturday to pull numbers I’m told. Slightly younger crowd. Entry Fee.
• Eve - Think boutique/Beroq kind of an atmosphere but with a bit more exciting atmosphere. This is a hard to get into club where the cool kids go so once again dress up! Its the type of place you can go to really let loose and get your dance on to house/electro tunes and the girls are SMOKING HOT! It has a really cool dance floor with different coloured squares that light up. It also has great logistics as well due to the fact theirs a back packers hotel right next door to it that has relatively nice rooms at cheap rates Wink - JamieP
• Pony – Hahahah Pony! Wow what to write. Biggest mixed bag, open till late morning (8am?) it really pulls in some weirdos, young/old, jock /rock, you name it. Predominately playing Indie/Rock music its good if everything else is shut and you just don’t want to go home. No class is needed for entry. Many fun memories here. Free Entry.
• James Squire Brewery – Being a fan of the beers this was just too good to walk past. It has a very pub feel, pool tables, live acoustic music and an older crowd. Go there just for the top quality beer (poured with proper head) or just the fun vibe it gives off. Free Entry
• Section 8 – Imagine St. Jeromes with out the loud music and bustling dancefloor and you’ll land somewhere close to what Section 8 is. I always have to line up for about 5 minutes to get in ( I do go later). It’s a very chilled out vibe – drinks aren’t particularly cheap, like you would imagine. Free Entry
• Emerald Peacock – Blink and you’ll miss it. Its just two big wooden doors, which lead you to some very posh looking stairs, that lead you up to a very sparse first floor. Head up stairs again and you get a beautiful rooftop. Looking out over Melbourne this is a very cool venue. Not great for girls, because its all really quite clicky rather than mix and mingle, but never say never. Free Entry
• Bang – Went here for the first time. Was not what I imagined. Notoriously the ‘metal’ club of Melbourne it was far from. If you are into (cute) chicks with tatts then I suggest you hit here. It gets really busy on a Saturday. Three different rooms play three very different types of music (hardcore room – which plays anything from Linkin Park to Rage Against to Pantera to Marilyn manson, main room – Plays the kind of music I detest, ‘skater rock’ and the back room – Anything and everything Backstreet Boys to Dre to NSYNC). Entry Fee ($10-$20)
• Carlton Club – Fallen of late, and they seem to be knocking people back, twice I’ve gone on a Saturday and been KB’d, even with women. At its finest, a good mixed crowd, generally younger and a little left of field. Nice venue, often catch a Lairian or two there. Free Entry.
• Wah Wah Lounge - I had the unfortunate pleasure of going here after a friends Birthday. If you are into Biccies and House music, this might be for you. But really not for me. The crowd has a few hotties, but also some that make you wonder what you were doing at 16. I can't really recommend this place if you are sober. There is nowhere to talk unless you pack outside into the small cramped smokers area.
- This place is a bit more of an underground venue. Its for your hard core dance music lovers. they play anything from electro/house/breaks/drum n bass here. The sound system on the bottom floor is awful but upstairs they have a dome shaped roof around the dance floor which provides a really amazing sound which is the high light of the club. The downside is the crowd can be quite trashy and generally are on drugs. The crowd ranges from 16 year olds with fake IDs to early 30s guys. - JamieP
• Synk - Alot of the DJs who DJ at Wah Wah also DJ here. Its a very similar crowd but alot younger and more ethnic. - JamieP (I think this is meant to be Syn - not Synk - Mildawg)
• TFU(Two Floors Up) - Are you into hardcore trance? well then this is the place to be. Its generally your more ethnic crowd, and quite young. 16-early 20s. Theirs generally alot of drugs and fights around this place so be warned. - JamieP
• Infectious (Coloniol Hotel) - This place is one of those rights of passage clubs. It seems everybody whos just turned 18 seems to end up at this club and the great thing is if you dont have any luck with the ladies here, its right across the road from goldfingers and the mens gallery lol. Dress code is your usual "Dress casual". The lines are pretty long and for some reason this place attracts alot of large groups of guys (I guess it could be due to its close proximity to the strip clubs) so make sure you bring some girls with you as they tend to knock back the large male groups. The place is massive and has 3 levels so you can feel free to mack on a new girl on every level of the club and mums the word Smiley - JamieP
• Soul Clap at Bass Lounge - Local Hip Hop/RNB celebrity DJs Peril and A-Style have been hosting this night for a long time now and their still laying down those smooth Hip hop/RNB/Reggae mixes that other RNB clubs just dont manage to do. These guys are class-a turtablists as well so you can expect a bit of scratching during their sets. The crowd here is generally pretty mixed and layed back. Lace up your fav pair of air force ones or your hottest jordans and get your b-boy on in this funky club. - JamieP
• Sorry Grandma – HUGE venue, plenty of HOT girls walking round - open ridiculously late. The music is shit, as in really bad repetative bad electro music. Theres two different dance floors and plenty of sitting room - very loud joint. Cover charge sets you back about $15
- The new "in" venue, open ridiculously late, if you don't like drugs, I wouldn't touch the venue. Lots of hotties, fairly indie, fairly young, shit ELEKTRO music. - Vamped
• Cookie/The Toff/Rooftop - See Friday
• Transport – See Friday
• Workshop – See Friday
• CQ - See Friday
• Baroq - See Friday
• Tony Starr's Kitten Club - See Friday
• Manchester Lane - See Friday
Hawthorn/Glenferrie
See Tuesday but roughly halve crowds at most venues.
Chapel St
• Love machine - I aint nothin but a love machine....and I wont work for nobody but you. This is where most of the chasers crowd generally end up if their not comming down too hard from the night before. Love machine is chasers but with a little bit more class and a little less muzza factor. Once again you can expect to hear alot of commercial house. It has a giant dance floor as well as multiple upstairs spots to go including a main bar and a seperate VIP section/balcony. If your looking for a place where the girls were as minimal clothing as possible (aside from a strip club) this place is generally a pretty sure bet. One tip I'll give you though is if you do go on the saturday night and fall in love with the place... you may not want to head back down there the next night... well unless you want to switch teams because it turns into a gay club - JamieP
• Windsor Castle - Tucked away next to Windsor station in a residential street this bar gets packed, has an awesome crowd, and is very friendly. Huge cool beer garden, when cold girls will stay inside Smiley Closes at 1am, which is it's only gayness. - QBall
• Mother's Milk - On Chapel. Cool spot, small, no entry fee, cool crowd, pretty loungy. - QBall
• The Social - 25++ (many over 30), a lot of people on coke, good dancefloor, nice if you like your MILFs. - QBall
• Hoo Haa - Across the street from Social. Upstairs bar, tiny door. Gets a big line up on Saturday. Cool crowd, decent dancefloor, very good conversations to be had in an outdoor (yet roofed and heated) smoking section. - QBall
• Lucky Coq – See Thursday
• Boutique – See Thursday
• Electric Ladyland – See Thursday
• 161 – See Thursday
• QBar – See Thursday
• White Charlie - See Thursday
• Revolver – Nicknamed ‘Revolting’ by many, this is quite the scummy venue, where Andrew O’Keefe was caught stumbling around shitfaced. Open until extremely late it can pull an interesting crowd as well as diverse acts.
- I had to save this place's grace. I love this place, and so does Rivetz. You do get tired of it after a while, but pretty awesome. People are chill and cool, though many drug-fucked - which makes for funny experiences yay. Yeah lots of people come here on drugs, but many others just want an awesome place that's open late. Music is pretty good.
There are two rooms. The smaller room closes at 7am... They do it quite viciously by opening the blinds and letting the sunlight in and all the druggies run off. Easy to start conversations everywhere, lots of comfy couches. Very eclectic crowd. Big smoking corner downstairs, good for conversations too. Open 24hours Fri-Sun - only closes for one hour around 12pm for a cleanup where they send everyone out. 15$ to get in - no passouts. Hard to get in many times, come before 2am. It's THE place to go after other places in the neighborhood close. - QBall
Brunswick St
• Bimbos – Amazing during the day, sadly not during the night. I was gob smacked as I went there during the night recently. It pulls a lot of “muzzas” which is bizarre for Brunswick St. Decent venue and there were a few decent girls in there, so it has potential. But I’ll stick to during the day, cheap pizza cool music and an awesome vibe. Free Entry.
• Night Cat – Loud and fun. Jumbled crowd but usually older. Funky tunes played very loudly, so talking is most likely not a choice. If you want to tear the d-floor up this is the place, with the usual club bopping replaced by flamboyant salsing and the likes. Good fun for a short while, but I think it would be tough to make a night out of it. Free Entry
• The Rochester – This joint STINKS! But if you can handle the smell it’s a reasonably decent joint. Its got room to lounge and chat and room to dance. It has a left of field/indie vibe about it, but pulls a mixed younger crowd. Free Entry
• Perseverance – If you’re a jock stuck on Brunswick St then here is your saviour. Personally I don’t rate this place at all, it has a sucky crowd with a few hotties thrown in for good measure. The music is woeful by jock standards, playing bad pop music ie Akon. Free Entry
Other
• CopaCabana (Fitzroy) - This place is really cool. At the start of the night its a resteraunt with a live brazilian cabaret show (think sexy brazilian girls in g strings and carnival outfits shaking their hips and asses while you eat). As the night moves on it becomes a night club with a mix of reggaeton and various south american music. Their not too picky with who they let in but this place generally attracts quite a few hot south american girls so its well worth checking out - Jamie P
• Prince (St. Kilda) - Only place I've been to on sat night in months worth mentioning is Prince Of Whales, OneLove. Hands down hottest girls, best music, best layout, best people. 10/10 – Vamped
Sunday
City
Other
• College Lawn (Greville St) – Pulls an older crowd but sounds like a good place for a Sunday afternoon beer. Not open late.
• Geebung (Auburn) – Famous for its fights, the Geebung gets packed wall to wall with jocks. Far too many people here, as you struggle for space but if your desperate to go out on a Sunday, you don’t get too many options. Young and slightly older crowd. Not a late night, usually drops off at 12. Free entry.
• Starbar – Need Vampeds opinion on this one. Never been, doesn’t sound like my crowd.
• The Saint (Fitzroy St.) - Young, trendy crowd. Very hot girls. Loud, club environment, house music. Smallish venue with a cool outdoor area but that shuts around 12. Entry $5 or $10, can't remember. Get there before 1030 or with chicks if you want to get in. - Jboy
• Cushion - Across the street from the Saint, same deal but smaller venue. Equally hot chicks. -Jboy
• Barkley hotel (St Kilda) - really hard to get into on a Sunday. Only time I went was with 2 chicks who were on the list, but there was a huge line outside. You want to go to the upstairs area (called nextLevel). Super hot glamorous girls, everyone is drugged up, gets packed, great for conversations. Seriously an awesome venue if you're into that. Yum. - QBall
• Vineyard (St Kilda) - if you want to get in come before 6pm at summer, or maybe 8pm at winter. Strictly a members night if you get there later (there is no membership so you have to know the bouncerette)
• Pugg Mahones (City) – Pulls a younger crowd. Often have a live band. Been a long time since I have been. It smells. It does get a busy crowd for a Monday night, mostly quite young. Cheap drinks are another drawcard. Free Entry
• Public Bar (North Melbourne/QVM) – If you want to drown your Blue Monday sorrows in watered down RIDICULOUSLY cheap beer ($4.50 a jug!!!! Although it is Geelong Bitter), and meet some hot back packers, you my friend have found the perfect venue. Younger ‘uni’ crowd. It was Free Entry but word is they now charge $5 Entry, if you’re there to drink one jug should even out the cover charge.
- If you want to get ridiculously trashed, head here. You'll get hot foreign back packers, but the place smells like smoke and spew and stale bear. 5/10 - Vamped
• Neighbours Night (St Kilda) – A secret weapon, if you’re after Backpackers (or the cast of Neighbours) and willing to pay the price. In summer, this event packs out quick – for this reason all year round its bookings only. You get to meet some of the cast of Neighbours, and this invariably draws lots of foreigners (English). Only held once a month. Entry Fee an outstanding $40.
• Odeon (Crown) – Although I’ve not been, I’ve never been a fan of anything to do with Crown and going out. I play poker there, the nightclubs there often draw all sorts of dregs of society. Interested to hear some reviews. Cheap drinks and as far as I know – Free Entry
- Pulls the hospitality crowd, quite a few hotties, can be hit or miss though. 7/10 – Vamped
Tuesday
City
• Eurotrash – Younger crowd, used to be very ‘indie’, less so now – but still not your platinum blondes venue. Known as the Lair venue – you’ll always bump into someone off here in there. Gets good after 11ish. Lots of dancing, smallish smoking areas and can get packed. Opens till late. Free Entry
- Pretty dead at the moment, give it 3 weeks and this place is going to be fucking PUMPING with uni gone! Really indie venue, if you like indie girls GTFIH! But there are also usually a bunch of mainstream girls that end up here, usually quite a few HOTTIES. The only downside is the music is indie electro, which imo is the worst music to dance to 7.5/10 - Vamped
Hawthorn/Glenferrie
This is the place to be on a Tuesday, it offers a nice diverse range of venues for all tastes, close to the city and open late.
• Nevermind – Originally a very attractive crowd, young and usually from the area, but seems to be declining as more people get onto it. Can get very busy, especially during summer – often very clicky groups. Bar, no dancefloor, lots of outside smoking area. Open till 3 Free Entry
- If you want somewhere where you cant fucking move, packed only with small tight nit social circles, that smells like crap, with shit music, and shit service, with the biggest fucking line wait in melbourne, head here Wink 3/10 - Vamped
• Hawthorn – Cheap and cheerful, perfect for those who play footy, wear fluro or brightly coloured slogan t-shirts, dye their tips blonde and wear sharktooth necklaces. Girls are quite made up. Crowd often come from Ringwood + area, VERY young crowd often under 18 – especially Tuesday – gets pretty busy and can be a long line. Has a dance floor, a busy bar and plenty of outdoor smoking room. Due to liquor licensing it shuts early (12-1ish) Free Entry
• Canvas – Much newer bar in Glenferrie area, pulls a jumbled crowd, similar to the Nevermind, but usually slightly older. Very hit and miss with how busy it is. Free Entry
• Room – If you like shafting ecstasy tablets, you have found your venue. Loud cheap and nasty – much like the people that go there. Unlike the above venues, this is a club first and foremost, loud music and all. Younger crowd, some with fake ID’s. When there are scheduled events, this place can get packed, with lines reaching upto 50m. Open till late Entry ($10-20 Non Event nights)
- From the 2 times I've been, the place is packed wall to wall with hot slu... I mean hot girls Smiley VERY uni crowd, the amount of psychology students you'll meet there is fuckin daunting haha. Drink prices are meh, plenty of platinum blondes and EFNIK GURLZZZ as well as a bunch of just really cute girls. People here are pretty friendly to talk to! 8/10 - Vamped
• Cheers/Caseys – This is where the Hawthorn crowd go after the Hawthorn (fluro shirts and all), its quite big and a very good venue(structure wise) with lots of different large rooms. Younger crowd. It can sometimes be good for a laugh and Toss the Boss(chance to flip a coin for free drinks). Open late, but get in earlier to dodge lines (too early ie before 10pm and you’ll be the only one there). Entry Fee ($10-$20)
- Used to be awsome, as it started going downhill I stopped going... Always had a LOT of attractive girls, even though on the odd occasion you'd run into a 16 year old hahaha. It's really much more of a club feel, with the top floor playing commercial house, sometimes the dj's can play half decent sets, but I wouldn't be going here for the music. Toss the boss is well worth it when you win(Yes once had a winning streak of 12 toss's in a row, giving me about $230 worth of drinks... had the manager ask me not to play anymore hahaha) 8/10 – Vamped
Wednesday
City
Others
• Harp (Kew) – Gets quite busy, regular crowd usually younger and often a few “muzzas”. Get more of a feel for it herehttp://www.myspace.com/harpoferin For a Wednesday (who goes out Wednesday?!) not bad. Free Entry.
• The Saint (St Kilda) – Pulls a good crowd, reasonably attractive and quiet bustling. Youngish crowd House music, although other rooms play R’n’B and ‘Hip Hop’. Probably get my vote for a Wednesday night out. $5 Entry Fee on Guestlists.
• Edgy (Mentone) – If you are contemplating going here, I’m sorry – chances are you live round there, and its definitely not optimal going out area. The Mentone pulls a very “Hawthorn Crowd” the guys are jocky bright t shirt wearers, and the girls are bleach blonde or dyed black girls. Sometimes some big acts play there (Grant Smillie, John Course and Pot Belleez). I believe there is an Entry Fee.
Thursday
City
• Seven – Just out of the city off St. Kilda Rd. Unlucky Thursday’s pulls a slightly watered down Indie/House crowd, much like you’d see on a Tuesday night at the Nevermind. Very attractive women, not so attractive music – trashy house and R’n’B beats. Entry fee ($10-$20).
-Seven nightclub... All I can say is wow. I can say that this venue SINGLE HANDEDLY has the biggest volume of attractive girls I have ever seen(yes more then at cq), it's ridiculous(heres a hint, they actually have a guy that walks up and down the lines and tells ugly/fat girls that they can't come in... I'd hate to have that guys job LMAO). Get here before 10(and by before 10 I seriously mean it) if you want to get in, and have a glist in hand. Place gets fuckin PACKED, music is pretty standard stuff. One thing, the crowd is young. And by young, i mean like be prepared for every 4th girl you meet to be fuckin 16.. Had to great nights here, everyone was really friendly, good atmosphere. 8/10 - Vamped
Chapel Street
• Lucky Coq – I really like this place, cheap Pizzas and a really unpretentious crowd, a good jumble of young and old – good beer on tap and chill tunes. Not the place to be if you’re after a massive night, but if you’re in good company you will have fun here. Free Entry
• Electric Ladyland – Sometimes incorrectly called Electric Lady Lounge, its actually named after the last Hendrix Experience album me thinks. It probably bigger on a Saturday night. Pulling an older crowd. Its quite posh, you climb those massive stairs to get to a pretty cool looking joint. Plenty of 'couch time', don't come here to drink though, its certainly not cheap!
• 161 – Used to be the place to be seen at on a Thursday. Very exclusive and often hard to get into (although I’ve gotten in recently after they asked me if I was on a guestlist – and replied no – although I did get a look up and down). Has definitely fallen off in terms of popularity and crowd potential. Gets busy later, so don’t get there early (before 10:30pm) unless you want to guarantee entry. Entry fee
- Dirty, sexy, awsome, young. Great house music played here, the girls are gorgeous, the drinks are decent prices, the drugs are plenty, the dancing a lot. If you dislike noisy venues, stay away! 8/10 - Vamped
• QBar – The honours should go to Vamped on this one, because I’m not a huge fan – first up you have to cough up money for entry, although I got a free drink with that. I knew shit was wrong when I went to redeem my ‘free’ drink and the only choice of beers were Corona, Heineken, other shit beers and nothing on tap. Loud and quite a young crowd that picks up later in the night. Many are gacked off their faces. Reminds me a bit of Room. Entry Fee ($10-20)
- Probably my favourite venue. Girls are fucking amazingly hot, any given week you will see a couple of "10's", the venue itself is quite small, the vibe of the place is a very intimate, party atmosphere. You literally could try and be here and ATTEMPT to not talk to anyone, and people would just start talking to you. Music is fucking awsome, spirits are $4!!!! before 12, and it's busy right through till 4 or 5 am, and dies around then. - Vamped
• White Charlie - Sadly I can't agree with Jamies view, it does have a cool interior design but thats about it. House ain't my forte. Many of the partons are in the process of frying their brains. Upstairs has a very nice outside area. Not a horrible venue but not one I'd choose to go back to. Entry Fee
- Once again, another funky house club. Alot of people hit white charlie before going to 161, so if youve been to 16 you know the type of crowd to expect. It is a house club but the DJs generally mix quite a few genres into their sets which can be a bit hit and miss on the dance floor but when it works its great. The place is quite small (about the size of long room. Half the club is a dance floor while the other half is a chill out section where the music is at a level where you can actually hold a conversation with somebody which is very refreshing in a night club) so expect to get there early. - JamieP
- I rate as a good place to start off, chat to some girls, see if any of em want to head off to a club with you. Very small venue, usually decent music on, drinks are kinda pricey. 7/10 - Vamped
Greville St
Off Chapel – defiantly a look into if in the area
• Boutique – In its prime, and still probably today, if you want the highest ratio of attractive girls in Melbourne, this is the place to go. I’ve only been a year or so ago and its VERY hard to get into without females/connections. Younger crowd and they play House/Electro music. Entry Fee ($10-$20)
- Right next to station, in here you will find your 10's. 18 year old daughters of millionaires living in st kilda, quite a bit of pretentiousnes, but it's worth going atleast once. Don't have more then 1 guy with you, and get a guest list just in case. The musics commercial stuff that everywhere plays, drinks are RIDICULOUSLY expensive, DO NOT WANT. 7.5/10 - Vamped
• Station – Where those that don’t get into Boutique go. Pulling a similar but less exclusive and up market crowd. Otherwise I don’t know too much info.
- Don't like the place tbh. But you get some hotties, and it's free, and it's on chaple(its saving grace) 6/10 - Vamped
Other
• Night Cat (Brunswick St) – Thursday nights is Salsa night at the Night Cat. An hour sets you back $15. They cater for beginners to advanced (depending on what time you go). Older crowd I’m told. After 9:30 it turns back into a club, focusing on the Salsa theme. Before 9:30pm $15 (for the cost of the lesson) after, Free Entry.
• The Pool Room (Ferntree Gully) - Bread and butter! Love this place, had many a good sober/drunk time here! Always have heaps of bartenders serving, so drink waiting times is absolutelyfucking nil, you can play pool too, which is a great convo starter/fun thing to do! The girls here are always hot, theres usually a stunner or two here, the music they play is a mix of radio house, radio rnb and old rock songs played by the cover band. Crowd is very young uni crowd, mostly friendly(although I have been in a couple punchons here, cheap drinks do that to retarded guys) With heaps of free parking right outside the door. 9/10 - Vamped
• Orange Whip (Ringwood) - Girls LOVE this venue. Seriously. Young, hot, messy. 7.5/10 Vamped
• X-Base (St Kilda) - This is probably the biggest backpacker party in town. Cheap drinks, ladies get drinks for free (guys dressed like girls too, and these are backpackers and they'd do it). Lots of hotties, especially in summer. Went this weekend, was a huge line made of guys which wasn't moving... I fucked off but at least they're doing crowd control. - QBall
• The Vineyard (St Kilda) - Awesome venue. Pretty much every night (except Mon-Tue-Wed lol). Really chilled out relaxed nice crowd. Hot girls. Backpackers too at times. Is a restaurant during the day, during night they remove the chairs and create a dancefloor + there are live shows there. – Qball
Friday
City
• Long Room – Ahh good ol’ Long Room. It quite literally a long room. An older crowd, often in suits – it is hard to get into if you aren’t dressed up (although Liam got in – that speaks for itself!). The guys here are mostly very ‘Alpha’ in the way they carry themselves. The girls are quite friendly if you aren’t a wanker but its much more chatting than dancing/getting rowdy. Free Entry P.S. For wank factor it has a guy that hands you towels after you piss. Great.
• Work shop – Really cool venue, head up stairs and you get an oddly laid out environment, much like the crowd it pulls, Fridays is a slighty older crowd (mid 20’s) and a good mix, the girls are slightly a little left of centre, and not the mainstream Platinum type. Good choice of drinks behind the bar, interesting music and nice vibe. Free Entry.
• Transport – What locations place wouldn’t be complete without Transport, especially a Lair one. The home away from homes of the lair this joint crawls with “PUA”s, mainly on a Saturday. Older crowd. Cool looking bar, pity the same can’t be said about the people that go there. Harsh but fair cop. Expect to line up for a while if you get there later. Especially Saturdays. Free Entry
• Fashion Keyboard (Escobar) – Very strict on dress code. Older people trying to do indie. Pulls some cuties. Entry Fee.
• Cookie/The Toff/Rooftop - Three very distinct venues, but all in the one building, so naturally its the same crowd that bar hops between each one. Speaking of crowd its a generally old bunch with a more classy twist. Three great bars - my pick, if you have the fitness to climb all the stairs and its not too windy or cold(summer is best - sometimes they turn it into a rooftop Cinema which is a perfect date, not so much for partying) is Rooftop. The Toff has a very cool booth setup with closing doors perfect for that secluded isolation - it also features a small dancefloor. Cookie has plenty of drinks and also offers a good dining experience if you get in earlier. Free Entry
• CQ - What is a real melbourne experience without a trip to one of melbournes largest night clubs. CQ is a mix of the older cooperate after work crowd and your young good looking crowd. This place attracts some of melbournes hottest women but offers alot of competition as most of the guys there look like male models as well. The place is very large with a cool out doors area. It can be hard to get into if you go after 11 and if your in a group of guys bigger than 2 make sure you bring some girls with you.. and dress up. The music in the main room is house and they have an rnb room upstairs(entry fee is $20 as memory serves) - JamieP
- Only place I've been worth mentioning on a friday night is CQ. My god! The quality here is GODLIKE! Easily some of the HOTTEST girls in melbourne. Musics kinda shit, dress to impress. 8/10. - Vamped
• Baroq - If you want wank and exclusivity this place has it in spades. Being very hard to get into makes it a draw card to big names, Jennifer Hawkins and Mark Phillaposous to name a few. Everything is class here, from the decor to the drinks - the prices reflect that too. It has lots of 'talking room' and down stairs a room to dance. That said I did finger a girl in the middle of the main room while everyone walked passed. Not easy to get in but worth scoping out just to say you've been. Jackets and dress shoes are required and an Entry Fee applies.
- Very similar to Boutique. The lay out of the club is amazing. Its class class class all the way. The age group is early to mid 20s crowd. It can be a little stuck up, so make sure you go with a fun group of people. Also their very picky with who they let in so make sure you dress up. They play house/electro and some old school rnb in the upstairs area towards the end of the night - JamieP
• Manchester Lane - Went here with Jboy to see jewish musical act, the way he made it out, I thought I was going to be the only person in the bar with an unchopped dick - I was quite suprised, turned out to a really cool venue (and the guys who played turned out to be just another musical act - nothing distinguishably 'jewish' about it - I was imagining jew curls and all). The only thing I really could whine about was how long it took to get served, I could have watched grass grow in the time it took to serve me and pour a beer. Physically this is a really impressive place, nice bar, dining area and an almost amphitheater that sits below the bar somewhere I'd keep in mind if I was taking a girl out on a date. There was an Entry Fee, to cover the bands playing. Not sure about other nights.
- really nicely laid out bar with a sunken dance floor where they play live jazz/soul/folkey kind of music. Its a really interesting venue with nice boofs that you can sit in and listen to the music while you have a few drinks. I really like this place when Im looking to relax and go somewhere different. the crowd is alot older. It ranges from mid 20s to late 40s - Jamie P
• Xclusive at the Avenue. - This place isnt for the light hearted. Theirs usually as many cops hanging outside this club as their is people lined up waiting to go in. Its mainly an african and latino crowd who go here. If you like your rnb/crunk/raggaeton, this is the place to be to get your grind on. - JamieP
• Eve - Friday nights are Asian night but everybody is welcome. I love going to this place with my asian buddies and being "the token white guy" of the night. Asian nights are alot of fun, everybody is on the dance floor making the most of the night and theirs no pretentiousness going on. - JamieP
• Fusion - The first few times I went to fusion I wasnt a fan, but this place has earned a soft spot for those moments where "you just dont know where to go and feel like having a trashy night". The dress code is fairly lenient here and theyll let most people in providing your not too intoxicated and the drinks there are usually quite cheap, especially if you get there before 11 when they have drink specials. If your looking for an easy place to pick up then look no further. The beauty of fusion is alot of people who are just visiting melbourne and dont know where to go end up there because its at crown. The crowd is very mixed, you'll lyterally find a bit of everything there. Theirs no pretentiousness going on there so most people are looking to have a pretty fun night. Its house in the main room and rnb upstairs. - JamieP
• The Pub - This place has free entry and will let anybody in. Its right next to sanity. Its not anything special but alot of people seem to end up there before going to the upstairs clubs or for a gamble at the casino so its worth going in there and doing a lap or 2 to see whats going on. Although dont get your expectations too high. - JamieP
• Tony Starr's Kitten Club – This bar has a great setup (if you can find it) and fantastic original coctails, try the cool as a cucumber for a refreshing change to that swill you've been drinking. Slightly older crowd (mid 20s- early 30s), and can attract the after workers on a friday night. It gets busier as the night goes on, peaking at about 1.00. No beer on tap, average drink prices. Live Jazz on the third floor with a secluded love section at the back. Free entry. - Powermad
• Chill On Ice bar - The entire bar is made of ice. and when I say the entire bar I mean everything! from the bar itself, to the floor, the seats that you sit on. even the glasses you drink out of are made of ice! and afterwards you can smash your glass. As you go in there they offer you eskimo outfits to keep you warm (although your still freezing). Then afterwards you can go upstairs to their "chill out bar" where they play chilled out music along with old school kung fu movies. Its a great place to take a girl and seems to end up in them cuddling upto you to keep warm while in the ice bar - JamieP (PLEASE NOTE: That there is a $30 entry fee and that each session lasts 30 mins in the Ice room - Mildawg)
• The Red Hummingbird - They have a great list of cocktails that they make before your eyes and the real beauty of it is their amazingly priced for quality cocktails. $15 will get you a single or for $30 you can get a jug which is the equivelant of 4 cocktails. It also has a great roof top seating area which has a great view of the city. The one down side to this place though is its lack of music and when I say lack of music... the place is in complete silence with no music what so ever. - Jamie P
• Baraki - Friday and Saturday nights after 10 they have live soul/RNB music. Most of the groups who play there are amazing and they play everything from originals to jill scott, erykah badu, al green and dangelo covers. If your into soul music this is the place to be. The crowd is very mixed but if your a real music fene then most people are quite friendly and very willing to have a chat and make a new friend. Its not everybodys cup of tea but its one of my fav places to be when Im just wanting to have a chilled night out.
Other
• Boutique (Greville St) – Fridays is smaller than both Thursday and Saturday. They play trashy 80’s music, but I hear there are still a fair few hotties. Not sure about entry fee but I’m guessing so.
• Chasers (Chapel St) - Like omg! this place is fully sick! if you like to mix steroids with your bickies and take your shirt off on the dance floor while getting into a flex off competition with your bros then this is the place to be. This club can be pretty full on, but all jokes aside it attracts alot of hot and horny girls which can make the occasional visit to this club worth its while. - Jamie P
• Precinct Hotel (Richmond) - Right next to Richmond train station, this large and busy venue has dancefloor with live cover bands Fri/Sat, massive outdoor area and great layout. Generally attracts a slightly older, sporty crowd (22 - 35) with plenty of hotties and it's a very easy venue to work. Be sure to get there before 9.30 on Saturday if you don't want to queue for a ridiculous amount of time. - Adam
• The Collection (Richmond) - If you're after some post work drinks or some nice cocktails in a friendly environment this small bar could be a winner. Although its small, it does have seating outside on Bridge Rd, perfect for taking in the ambiance of Richmond whilst sipping on your apple martini. It pulls one or two hotties and plenty of chumps that think a way to a girls heart is to buy them a drink. Free Entry
Saturday
City
• E55 – If you need a warm up or warm down location, this is it. Very laid back, its hidden underground on Elizabeth St. Playing mixed style of music from Reggae/Dub to Hip Hop to Soul to Funk, it supports its funky vibe with cool artwork from amateur artists that you can actually buy. Its dimly lit and open during the day. Perfect for isolation or a day 2. Free Entry.
• Croft Institute – Creepy meets cool. Or at least it used to be, been around for years, used to pull a really cool crowd. Thursday nights used to be its big night, but now it requires a Saturday to pull numbers I’m told. Slightly younger crowd. Entry Fee.
• Eve - Think boutique/Beroq kind of an atmosphere but with a bit more exciting atmosphere. This is a hard to get into club where the cool kids go so once again dress up! Its the type of place you can go to really let loose and get your dance on to house/electro tunes and the girls are SMOKING HOT! It has a really cool dance floor with different coloured squares that light up. It also has great logistics as well due to the fact theirs a back packers hotel right next door to it that has relatively nice rooms at cheap rates Wink - JamieP
• Pony – Hahahah Pony! Wow what to write. Biggest mixed bag, open till late morning (8am?) it really pulls in some weirdos, young/old, jock /rock, you name it. Predominately playing Indie/Rock music its good if everything else is shut and you just don’t want to go home. No class is needed for entry. Many fun memories here. Free Entry.
• James Squire Brewery – Being a fan of the beers this was just too good to walk past. It has a very pub feel, pool tables, live acoustic music and an older crowd. Go there just for the top quality beer (poured with proper head) or just the fun vibe it gives off. Free Entry
• Section 8 – Imagine St. Jeromes with out the loud music and bustling dancefloor and you’ll land somewhere close to what Section 8 is. I always have to line up for about 5 minutes to get in ( I do go later). It’s a very chilled out vibe – drinks aren’t particularly cheap, like you would imagine. Free Entry
• Emerald Peacock – Blink and you’ll miss it. Its just two big wooden doors, which lead you to some very posh looking stairs, that lead you up to a very sparse first floor. Head up stairs again and you get a beautiful rooftop. Looking out over Melbourne this is a very cool venue. Not great for girls, because its all really quite clicky rather than mix and mingle, but never say never. Free Entry
• Bang – Went here for the first time. Was not what I imagined. Notoriously the ‘metal’ club of Melbourne it was far from. If you are into (cute) chicks with tatts then I suggest you hit here. It gets really busy on a Saturday. Three different rooms play three very different types of music (hardcore room – which plays anything from Linkin Park to Rage Against to Pantera to Marilyn manson, main room – Plays the kind of music I detest, ‘skater rock’ and the back room – Anything and everything Backstreet Boys to Dre to NSYNC). Entry Fee ($10-$20)
• Carlton Club – Fallen of late, and they seem to be knocking people back, twice I’ve gone on a Saturday and been KB’d, even with women. At its finest, a good mixed crowd, generally younger and a little left of field. Nice venue, often catch a Lairian or two there. Free Entry.
• Wah Wah Lounge - I had the unfortunate pleasure of going here after a friends Birthday. If you are into Biccies and House music, this might be for you. But really not for me. The crowd has a few hotties, but also some that make you wonder what you were doing at 16. I can't really recommend this place if you are sober. There is nowhere to talk unless you pack outside into the small cramped smokers area.
- This place is a bit more of an underground venue. Its for your hard core dance music lovers. they play anything from electro/house/breaks/drum n bass here. The sound system on the bottom floor is awful but upstairs they have a dome shaped roof around the dance floor which provides a really amazing sound which is the high light of the club. The downside is the crowd can be quite trashy and generally are on drugs. The crowd ranges from 16 year olds with fake IDs to early 30s guys. - JamieP
• Synk - Alot of the DJs who DJ at Wah Wah also DJ here. Its a very similar crowd but alot younger and more ethnic. - JamieP (I think this is meant to be Syn - not Synk - Mildawg)
• TFU(Two Floors Up) - Are you into hardcore trance? well then this is the place to be. Its generally your more ethnic crowd, and quite young. 16-early 20s. Theirs generally alot of drugs and fights around this place so be warned. - JamieP
• Infectious (Coloniol Hotel) - This place is one of those rights of passage clubs. It seems everybody whos just turned 18 seems to end up at this club and the great thing is if you dont have any luck with the ladies here, its right across the road from goldfingers and the mens gallery lol. Dress code is your usual "Dress casual". The lines are pretty long and for some reason this place attracts alot of large groups of guys (I guess it could be due to its close proximity to the strip clubs) so make sure you bring some girls with you as they tend to knock back the large male groups. The place is massive and has 3 levels so you can feel free to mack on a new girl on every level of the club and mums the word Smiley - JamieP
• Soul Clap at Bass Lounge - Local Hip Hop/RNB celebrity DJs Peril and A-Style have been hosting this night for a long time now and their still laying down those smooth Hip hop/RNB/Reggae mixes that other RNB clubs just dont manage to do. These guys are class-a turtablists as well so you can expect a bit of scratching during their sets. The crowd here is generally pretty mixed and layed back. Lace up your fav pair of air force ones or your hottest jordans and get your b-boy on in this funky club. - JamieP
• Sorry Grandma – HUGE venue, plenty of HOT girls walking round - open ridiculously late. The music is shit, as in really bad repetative bad electro music. Theres two different dance floors and plenty of sitting room - very loud joint. Cover charge sets you back about $15
- The new "in" venue, open ridiculously late, if you don't like drugs, I wouldn't touch the venue. Lots of hotties, fairly indie, fairly young, shit ELEKTRO music. - Vamped
• Cookie/The Toff/Rooftop - See Friday
• Transport – See Friday
• Workshop – See Friday
• CQ - See Friday
• Baroq - See Friday
• Tony Starr's Kitten Club - See Friday
• Manchester Lane - See Friday
Hawthorn/Glenferrie
See Tuesday but roughly halve crowds at most venues.
Chapel St
• Love machine - I aint nothin but a love machine....and I wont work for nobody but you. This is where most of the chasers crowd generally end up if their not comming down too hard from the night before. Love machine is chasers but with a little bit more class and a little less muzza factor. Once again you can expect to hear alot of commercial house. It has a giant dance floor as well as multiple upstairs spots to go including a main bar and a seperate VIP section/balcony. If your looking for a place where the girls were as minimal clothing as possible (aside from a strip club) this place is generally a pretty sure bet. One tip I'll give you though is if you do go on the saturday night and fall in love with the place... you may not want to head back down there the next night... well unless you want to switch teams because it turns into a gay club - JamieP
• Windsor Castle - Tucked away next to Windsor station in a residential street this bar gets packed, has an awesome crowd, and is very friendly. Huge cool beer garden, when cold girls will stay inside Smiley Closes at 1am, which is it's only gayness. - QBall
• Mother's Milk - On Chapel. Cool spot, small, no entry fee, cool crowd, pretty loungy. - QBall
• The Social - 25++ (many over 30), a lot of people on coke, good dancefloor, nice if you like your MILFs. - QBall
• Hoo Haa - Across the street from Social. Upstairs bar, tiny door. Gets a big line up on Saturday. Cool crowd, decent dancefloor, very good conversations to be had in an outdoor (yet roofed and heated) smoking section. - QBall
• Lucky Coq – See Thursday
• Boutique – See Thursday
• Electric Ladyland – See Thursday
• 161 – See Thursday
• QBar – See Thursday
• White Charlie - See Thursday
• Revolver – Nicknamed ‘Revolting’ by many, this is quite the scummy venue, where Andrew O’Keefe was caught stumbling around shitfaced. Open until extremely late it can pull an interesting crowd as well as diverse acts.
- I had to save this place's grace. I love this place, and so does Rivetz. You do get tired of it after a while, but pretty awesome. People are chill and cool, though many drug-fucked - which makes for funny experiences yay. Yeah lots of people come here on drugs, but many others just want an awesome place that's open late. Music is pretty good.
There are two rooms. The smaller room closes at 7am... They do it quite viciously by opening the blinds and letting the sunlight in and all the druggies run off. Easy to start conversations everywhere, lots of comfy couches. Very eclectic crowd. Big smoking corner downstairs, good for conversations too. Open 24hours Fri-Sun - only closes for one hour around 12pm for a cleanup where they send everyone out. 15$ to get in - no passouts. Hard to get in many times, come before 2am. It's THE place to go after other places in the neighborhood close. - QBall
Brunswick St
• Bimbos – Amazing during the day, sadly not during the night. I was gob smacked as I went there during the night recently. It pulls a lot of “muzzas” which is bizarre for Brunswick St. Decent venue and there were a few decent girls in there, so it has potential. But I’ll stick to during the day, cheap pizza cool music and an awesome vibe. Free Entry.
• Night Cat – Loud and fun. Jumbled crowd but usually older. Funky tunes played very loudly, so talking is most likely not a choice. If you want to tear the d-floor up this is the place, with the usual club bopping replaced by flamboyant salsing and the likes. Good fun for a short while, but I think it would be tough to make a night out of it. Free Entry
• The Rochester – This joint STINKS! But if you can handle the smell it’s a reasonably decent joint. Its got room to lounge and chat and room to dance. It has a left of field/indie vibe about it, but pulls a mixed younger crowd. Free Entry
• Perseverance – If you’re a jock stuck on Brunswick St then here is your saviour. Personally I don’t rate this place at all, it has a sucky crowd with a few hotties thrown in for good measure. The music is woeful by jock standards, playing bad pop music ie Akon. Free Entry
Other
• CopaCabana (Fitzroy) - This place is really cool. At the start of the night its a resteraunt with a live brazilian cabaret show (think sexy brazilian girls in g strings and carnival outfits shaking their hips and asses while you eat). As the night moves on it becomes a night club with a mix of reggaeton and various south american music. Their not too picky with who they let in but this place generally attracts quite a few hot south american girls so its well worth checking out - Jamie P
• Prince (St. Kilda) - Only place I've been to on sat night in months worth mentioning is Prince Of Whales, OneLove. Hands down hottest girls, best music, best layout, best people. 10/10 – Vamped
Sunday
City
Other
• College Lawn (Greville St) – Pulls an older crowd but sounds like a good place for a Sunday afternoon beer. Not open late.
• Geebung (Auburn) – Famous for its fights, the Geebung gets packed wall to wall with jocks. Far too many people here, as you struggle for space but if your desperate to go out on a Sunday, you don’t get too many options. Young and slightly older crowd. Not a late night, usually drops off at 12. Free entry.
• Starbar – Need Vampeds opinion on this one. Never been, doesn’t sound like my crowd.
• The Saint (Fitzroy St.) - Young, trendy crowd. Very hot girls. Loud, club environment, house music. Smallish venue with a cool outdoor area but that shuts around 12. Entry $5 or $10, can't remember. Get there before 1030 or with chicks if you want to get in. - Jboy
• Cushion - Across the street from the Saint, same deal but smaller venue. Equally hot chicks. -Jboy
• Barkley hotel (St Kilda) - really hard to get into on a Sunday. Only time I went was with 2 chicks who were on the list, but there was a huge line outside. You want to go to the upstairs area (called nextLevel). Super hot glamorous girls, everyone is drugged up, gets packed, great for conversations. Seriously an awesome venue if you're into that. Yum. - QBall
• Vineyard (St Kilda) - if you want to get in come before 6pm at summer, or maybe 8pm at winter. Strictly a members night if you get there later (there is no membership so you have to know the bouncerette)