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How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Atom89 - 02-03-2017

I'm currently looking for a programmer, software developer role and I've had interview offers.

I've got a cousin who's ignored me the last 3 times I've seen him and doesn't acknowledge me, for whatever reason. I said to him "how's your postgraduate course going" and he in return says nothing about how's my job search going. He shakes everyone else's hand, but does not shake my hand.

I've been told by an friend of mine that he and this guy of his were taking the mickey at the bar with some other people saying:

1) I'm doing nothing with my life
2) I'm going to waste my life

What the hell, do they even know I've had well paid interview offers? What gives them the right to say this? Or do they make the assumption I'm a loser?

Some other people in the soccer club have been saying things stating I'm never going to be successful, I never talk to anyone because I'm quiet (even though I'm the only one to shake everyone's hand and talk to people at parties, they should record me) they should look at my Facebook and how did I add all these people if I don't talk?

What gives them the right to say what they do? They don't know me and just make assumptions about me.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - SamuelBRoberts - 02-03-2017

Quote: (02-03-2017 02:36 PM)Atom89 Wrote:  

I'm currently looking for a programmer, software developer roles and I've had interview offers.

I've got a cousin who's ignored me the last 3 times I've seen him and doesn't acknowledge me, for whatever reason. I said to him "how's your postgraduate course going" and he in return says nothing about how's my job search going. He shakes everyone else's hand, but does not shake my hand.

I've been told by an friend of mine that he and this guy of his were taking the mickey at the bar with some other people saying:

1) I'm doing nothing with my life
2) I'm going to waste my life

What the hell, do they even know I've had well paid interview offers? What gives them the right to say this? Or do they make the assumption I'm a loser?

Some other people in the soccer club have been saying things stating I'm never going to be successful, I never talk to anyone because I'm quiet (even though I'm the only one to shake everyone's hand and talk to people at parties, they should record me) they should look at my Facebook and how did I add all these people if I don't talk?

What gives them the right to say what they do? They don't know me and just make assumptions about me.

What do you care what your cousin thinks? Do you need him for anything?

Honestly, it sounds like you yourself think you're a loser wasting his life, and that's why you're letting some guy bother you so much.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - UlteriorMotive - 02-03-2017

99% of people would rather see you fail and be like them, than to see you push yourself and achieve something.

Crabs in a bucket.

I used to be surrounded by people with that mentality.

Cut them out or learn to laugh at them.

Haters gone hate.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - John Michael Kane - 02-03-2017

I strongly recommend you buy the book The Success Principles by Jack Canfield. You can get a used copy on Amazon for cheap. It is the most actionable book I've seen for anyone that is struggling with self-doubt or wants more structure in their lives. One of the things he points out in the book is the importance of cutting out negative influences.

That includes bad family members or "friends". Don't start a huge confrontation with them, but instead focus on your own success. Hit the gym, wake up earlier, and start getting personal goals for yourself that don't depend upon the approval of others. Surround yourself only with other people that will build you up, and you build them up in return.

I've had to cut a few negative people out of my life, and don't regret it for a moment.

The best life is a life well-lived, not one that worries too much about what people talking about you behind your back are saying.

Make your life about YOU, not THEM.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Parzival - 02-03-2017

People can talk all crap they want behind my back as long as they keep their mouths shut when I turn around.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - colblionel - 02-03-2017

Taking the Mickey. lol I've never heard that one before. Pretty funny.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - TravelerKai - 02-03-2017

I thought I recognized you from somewhere.

thread-60242.html

You have major self esteem issues and strong feelings of inadequacy. I'm starting to think you are beyond the help of this forum and that you might need professional help.

You have an unhealthy obsession with what others think about you.

Also if what they are saying about you is being reported by you accurately, they are likely saying it for a good reason. You are hiding something big from us about yourself. Unless one of us met you and reported back, I doubt we would figure out what that is.

Regardless, this seems to be a pattern that seems to be more than just needing advice.

If you came clean completely with what you have going on (Aspergers, Behavior/Emotional disorder, drug problem, etc.), we might be qualified to assist or point you in the right direction. We are going on a fishing expedition with you, trying to play psychologist and that is not best for you, nor anyone else's time here.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - ScrapperTL - 02-03-2017

Dude this is not a unique situation you are in, this is the standard.

Once you start adopting Red Pill philosophy into your life, the Blue Pill Beta Males will sniff you out and try to piss all over you.

It only gets worse when you actually start implementing TRP.

The cure?
"If you're going through hell, keep going." - Winston Churchill
This is part of your progression into Alpha.
You have to see these perdicaments and feel the emotions that come along with it.
This is how you develop true D.G.A.F. attitude.
Fake it till you make it.
Thick iron steel skin can only be developed through experiencing pain.

These pussies with their feminine gossiping and isolation tactics are forging you into a stronger man.

Visualize the sheer grit and bad ass resolve that will come of this in the future.
Also imagine that they will not change and remain herd mentality half-men half-women for the rest of their entire lives.

If you want real alpha male friends, check the "meet up" category of RVF or go join a legit Dojo and train in your free time.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - LeoneVolpe - 02-03-2017

Ever hear the phrase, "No one can make you feel inferior without your consent? No? How about "An entire ocean can't sink a ship unless it gets inside the ship"?

The point is, you need to stop giving a shit about what other people say about you. This is part of being a man. You do your own thing, let other people do theirs, and only if they try and stop you from doing your thing should you give a shit. Even then, the answer isn't to piss and moan about it, take action or accept the situation. Bitching solves nothing.

Look at President Donald J. Trump -- do you realize how fucking emotionally strong he has to be?! The guy took on the entire world, and people talk shit on him all the time, but do you think he gives a flying rat's ass about them? Absolutely not. You know why? Because he knows he's a man of value, and if they don't see that, it's their problem not his.

OP, do yourself a favor -- Get in the gym, read some books, do some approaches, get shot down, pick girls up, learn from your mistakes, improve yourself and move on with your life. You're worrying about some micro level stuff here.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Matsufubu - 02-03-2017

TravellerKai is bang on, I think your problems go beyond what we can offer here.

If you care so much about what others think of you and say about you, you will fall.

You need to adopt ZFG and plough on, fuck the world, I'm awesome. Pretend you're Donald Trump.

I took a lot of shit in my youth that made me question my self-worth. It's only with experience I realise that when people are trying to bring you down, you have somewhere to fall from. It's like the witches in Macbeth - they only have power if you believe in their power.

Get on with your life, drama is for women.

Conquer.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - rainy - 02-03-2017

Why are you concerned with people talking behind your back or your cousin not responding to you? If anything it's a positive, saves time. You know who you can trust and are on your side, and who isn't.

I don't talk to over half my extended family. I don't care. They do their thing, I do mine. Too many make the mistake of seeking validation from others. That forces you to stop being yourself and cater to what others think you should be, essentially a follower instead of an independent thinking leader.

But if most of the people you know don't want anything to do with you, you might have to look within. There's different possible scenarios here.

1) Leaders, independent thinkers, the ambitious, etc, cut ties with those holding them back. They're too dead-set on success to care what others think, they cut ties and just go one with their ambitions.

2) The more successful and ambitious you come into contact with might believe you have little to offer and therefore cut ties with you.

If it's the latter, do some soul searching and formulate a new plan. Long story short, you want to be the guy cutting the dead weight rather than the be the dead weight cut off by others.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Kona - 02-03-2017

Quote: (02-03-2017 03:17 PM)UlteriorMotive Wrote:  

Haters gone hate.

With all due respect, when it comes to this phrase, I am a hater.

It isn't good to have haters. It is good to have likers.

Too many times these days, people use the "oh they're just haters" argument to deflect personal responsibility. Did I get a DUI because I was going 85 throwing beer cans out of the sunroof, or was the cop jealous of my car?

Well you are doing something wrong if you don't have haters isn't true. Maybe you suck.

But I hope the op gets over his issues.

Aloha!

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Rigsby - 02-03-2017

Quote: (02-03-2017 02:36 PM)Atom89 Wrote:  

I'm currently looking for a programmer, software developer role and I've had interview offers.

I've got a cousin who's ignored me the last 3 times I've seen him and doesn't acknowledge me, for whatever reason. I said to him "how's your postgraduate course going" and he in return says nothing about how's my job search going. He shakes everyone else's hand, but does not shake my hand.

I've been told by an friend of mine that he and this guy of his were taking the mickey at the bar with some other people saying:

1) I'm doing nothing with my life
2) I'm going to waste my life

..snip...


First off, I think you are trolling. Though I'll give you a chance.

Anyone with such a lack of backbone or personal insight would never put this shit up on a 'Men's Improvement Website'.

Your weakness is pathological, if true. I tend to think you are just having a laugh, but am giving you the benefit of the doubt. If you are serious then read, and re-read TK's post to you. It is from the heart and spot on.

You also sound quite angry but in an almost deranged kind of way. Like you are bottling something up. Do not look to other men to feed you of the self-esteem you so sorely lack.

There are many men on this forum (myself included) that did not have a positive father figure (or any other kind of male role-model in fact) and have suffered self-esteem issues. We are not judging you.

But TK hit the nail on the head again. Is there something you are not telling us? Full disclosure will only benefit you. If you make a post like this and ask for help, yet keep anything pertinent back, well, we will suss it out eventually, and people will lose all respect for you.

Stop thinking and giving a shit what others think of you. Man the fuck up - do what you need to do. Help others less fortunate than yourself when you start to get on top of things - these are things that will build your character and no man will be able to take away from you.

It's all about you, and fuck everyone else. If you are not able to centre your core ego around that, then again, TK is probably right and you need some kind of intervention/professional help.

You will lead your life as a shallow and hollow ghost caring what others think about you.

You will lead your life as a warrior in not giving a fuck.

I suggest you start not giving a fuck right now. But maintain the moral high-ground. Be good, act good. Be kind. No one likes a bitter little cunt that takes all his inadequacies out on the wider world, especially when they have been given council to embrace the bigger picture.

There is nothing in your life that can not be overcome.

But it starts with personal honesty (to yourself) and finishes with inter-personal honesty (to those around you).

Adopt this stance, and the world might not fall at your feet, but you will be stronger to fight tomorrow. It's all about the fight.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Rigsby - 02-03-2017

Quote: (02-03-2017 06:23 PM)Kona Wrote:  

Quote: (02-03-2017 03:17 PM)UlteriorMotive Wrote:  

Haters gone hate.

With all due respect, when it comes to this phrase, I am a hater.

It isn't good to have haters. It is good to have likers.

Too many times these days, people use the "oh they're just haters" argument to deflect personal responsibility. Did I get a DUI because I was going 85 throwing beer cans out of the sunroof, or was the cop jealous of my car?

Well you are doing something wrong if you don't have haters isn't true. Maybe you suck.

But I hope the op gets over his issues.

Aloha!

To be fair Kona, everyone that knows you (and was in the car at that time) knows you got that DUI because you were doing a 145 and throwing empty bottles of Vodka out of said sunroof - one after the other!

"God damn" said the cops. "This fucker's doing 2 Liters a Kilometer, in a no-drinking zone!" Other ashen-faced occupants of the car were not readily available for comment, after having their shit pulled over to the kerb, lucky to be alive and just wanting to tuck up in bed for the night after the 'joy ride'.

"It was the most exciting night of my life", said one passenger.
"I thought I was going to die", said another.

Cop said: "It was a good night for law enforcement - I'll teach those cocky little fuckers to ride around town with those big fat tires and all that chrome, and that 'fuck-you' paint job, all coupled with a sawdust-spitting triple exhaust, fueled by Nitrous Oxide!".

It was a fair cop, gov. No HATING necessary. Maybe a bit of jealousy. But hey, we're all human.

Update:
Kona now out of jail. Last seen riding around town in an APC, still ripped to the tits, many screaming occupants, military deployed...

Moral of this story? If Kona asks you if you want a lift home, politely order a taxi, preferably operating on another road network. Wouldn't want to be a HATER, now.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - AneroidOcean - 02-03-2017

Quote: (02-03-2017 02:36 PM)Atom89 Wrote:  

I'm currently looking for a programmer, software developer role and I've had interview offers.

I've got a cousin who's ignored me the last 3 times I've seen him and doesn't acknowledge me, for whatever reason. I said to him "how's your postgraduate course going" and he in return says nothing about how's my job search going. He shakes everyone else's hand, but does not shake my hand.

I've been told by an friend of mine that he and this guy of his were taking the mickey at the bar with some other people saying:

1) I'm doing nothing with my life
2) I'm going to waste my life

What the hell, do they even know I've had well paid interview offers? What gives them the right to say this? Or do they make the assumption I'm a loser?

Some other people in the soccer club have been saying things stating I'm never going to be successful, I never talk to anyone because I'm quiet (even though I'm the only one to shake everyone's hand and talk to people at parties, they should record me) they should look at my Facebook and how did I add all these people if I don't talk?

What gives them the right to say what they do? They don't know me and just make assumptions about me.

You are very skinny/nerdy/socially awkward, huh?

This is the only reason that you'd be getting people picking on you like this.

If you indeed have had offers for programming jobs, why haven't you taken them? If you have them you clearly have at least the basic skillset to perform those jobs, you should take a job and work smart. Take your extra time (and now money) and improve yourself/your situation.

Do you have debt? Pay it off.

Are you super skinny/weak? Go learn a martial art or take a serious fitness regimen/class.

Do you live with your mom (I doubt you have a strong father influence)? Move out.

You have to tell us more about your weaknesses in order to let the forum play to it's strengths and give you more specific, actionable advice.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Gmac - 02-03-2017

I didn't read the other comments but I just stopped giving a shit. People with nothing going on in their own lives are going to talk, that's what they do. The sooner you get over it the sooner you start living.

It also helped that years ago I lost some excess weight, started lifting, improved my appearance, and increased my charisma through hard work, practice, discipline, and experimentation.

Unless said people have a direct influence/effect on your day to day livelihood, what people think of you is totally irrelevant.

It's all in your head.

Good luck.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Atom89 - 02-04-2017

Thank you all for the replies. I really appreciate it.

I'm indian and I live with my father. I would consider myself attractive, I dress well, eat healthy etc.

I did mess up my first year of university previously and subsequently left the course (which they all know about). However, I am back on track in my career. I've had an interview offer back in December, however, I did not pass the initial aptitude test (numbers, vocabulary, graphical sequence, alpha numeric sequence and other questions) and back in January an employer emailed me to fill out some more forms stating they've had a look at my CV and are interested in me, however, they never got back to me.

I was a shy and quiet kid and teenager. However, this is in the past and I am sociable and talkative now.

I would not consider myself socially inept. And I last approached 3 attractive girls 2 weeks ago, the first one I was very nervous and understandably she blew me off. The second one I was much calmer, however, when I approached she reciprocated and was smiling which I could not finish off well. The third approach was to a very hot Indian women and I said "hi" which she blew me off and carried on walking.

I've also approached a beautiful English women who seemed interested in me and after 5 questions I was surprised to hear she has a boyfriend,

I believe I get picked on by my uncle's, one of my most respected uncle said in front of everyone looking at a photo of me "look at him" "he was sooo tall back then" and "now, he's stopped growing!" and everyone started laughing. The other two uncle's have also dis-respected me in front of my other family members. Believing they could chat crap about me. I did not have the courage to say something back.

One of my other aunties also laughs at me every time I talk or walk past her with my friends when she see's me at these functions, friendly sports matches, their is nothing wrong with my voice or anything, she's did that the last 4 times now and in the past. She obviously in a reaction mode with me.

Another one of my aunties said I don't have friends, when I do have friends.

Also with the other thread, theirs also one-two other people who think they can pick on me which he said "I look in the mirror, trying to look like a barbie girl".

I believe the problem is the inability to stand up and speak up for myself.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - LeoneVolpe - 02-04-2017

IRT, is that you?

Does this count as IRT? [Image: lol.gif]

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - philosophical_recovery - 02-04-2017

I've met a few people in my professional career that fantasize about other people talking behind their back.

Anytime someone says anything near them and they almost hear it, they put words in their heads that make it sound like they were the subject of the conversation.

These people are not fun to be around. Fix your head.

I forget who said it, but you'll be surprised at how little people talk about you. Good luck even getting noticed.

If someone is talking about me behind my back, good for them. Let it bring some spice into their dull lives.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - eskimobobseal - 02-04-2017

My own brother shit talks me behind my back, tears me down and tries to make me feel stupid or somehow inferior to him because of our political/ideological differences. He's done this for years. To the surprise of nobody on here, yes - he's a leftist.

I just told him to fuck off and cut him out of my life. If people are only pushing negativity, out out out. You don't need that shit.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Felix88 - 02-04-2017

Some people at work told me women are talking crap about me behind my back, I took that as a compliment because clearly those women can only think about me.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - frenchcorporation - 02-04-2017

Cut them off.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Cobra - 02-04-2017

OP, I too am Indian. I came to the USA when I was 12 not knowing much English, had no friends, girlfriends, social life etc. I was extremely conscious of what people thought. Fast forward to today, I can comfortably walk up to a woman at the bar and start a conversation. I am a US Navy veteran as well and rose up the ranks very quickly when I was in. Now, I work for a sales organization and was recently named one of their top sales people. I've gone from worrying about failure to worrying about success. It's weird.

Why?

It's because of those very people that called me inadequate. I had a cousin who was a huge bully growing up, restrictive parents and others who would remind me I wasn't good enough. It internally created a perception that I wasn't good. Externally it wasn't true as is in your case. So I got away from all of them. I packed up and left to join the military to start.

In order to prove them wrong, I struggled with my inner game and frame but believed I was better even if I had to force myself to do it. I took risks others wouldn't take both professionally and socially.

Here's your problem. You are inadequate because you feel inadequate. It's obvious you are insecure. Embrace this fact because it's okay. It's the first step. From there start doing things that put you out of your comfort zone.

I have a few threads out there that I started on the forum. One on my personal journey which I recently updated and another one about Indian guys' Inner game. You should read both. After you do, report back. If you acknowledge what your insecurities truly are I will help you. If not, I will not. People here seem to be getting frustrated from your lack of action. That needs to change now.

How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - easternwomenrule - 02-04-2017






How to deal with people chatting crap behind my back? - Deluge - 02-04-2017

Fellow brown guy here. Maybe I'm just lucky I've never met anybody where so many members of their extended family would pay them out like that. It's hard to tell from reading your posts whether they are just toxic, or if you're just taking what they say way too seriously and have some kind of issue that we don't know about. What city do you live in? I would try and reach out to a senior member. Inner game problems like these are easy to identify but can take years to fix. The problem with insecurity is that even once you've become attractive and get good results it can still nag away at you, causing you to attempt to fill that whole by fucking as many girls as possible to make up for feeling like a loser or not getting enough pussy growing up. For some players this never ends.

Like everyone on this thread is saying you need to take concrete steps to improve yourself, and the results you get from that will boost your inner game to the point where hopefully you can one day genuinely say to yourself that you are enough, and realize that everybody else is far too busy thinking about themselves to bother thinking about you. You have to commit to this for the long haul though. It took me almost 3 years from when I started approaching, racking up a solid notch count and a relationship with an 8 to finally rid myself of all self-doubt and insecurity I carried over from growing up, and I'm a good looking guy (beneath the extra weight I used to have) who came from a much better headspace than you are. So buckle up and good luck.