Should I get back with my wife after this? - Printable Version
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Should I get back with my wife after this? - SuperBock - 10-15-2015
Guys this is will be the biggest decision I have taken in my life and so the background may make this a long post.
I realise you can't tell me what to do, that only I can take this decision, only I can know what I am willing to accept or not and only I live with the consequences.
That said, I would really appreciate your thoughts and advice as there seems to be some wise heads on here and I am surrounded by blue pill thinking family and friends, most of whom think i'm a monster.
For those who dont want to read it all, here it is in a nutshell;
After 10 years of marriage, at a point of intense pressure from other factors, I found out shit from early in our relationship that burst my blue pill bubble.
I lost it and beat my wife up.
After 6 months of of flip flopping between trying to make it work for sake of our kids and emotionally torturing her for putting me in this situation, I finally moved out 6 weeks ago.
I started gaming some girls but the space has cooled things off and i'm deciding whether to go back or not, my kids is the main motivator for this along with the fact that in all other aspects, particularly after finding the redpill and seeing the way women are now, she is actually a good wife with a pretty much redpill outlook on things.
Ill try and give as much detail but also keep it succinct and break it into 5 parts.
The turbulant 1st 3 years
the intervening 12 years
The shitstorm
Red flags
Current thoughts
The turbulant 1st 3 years
I met her through social circle when I was 20, and her 22.
I had only fucked 5 girls prior (and i'm talking 5 singular instances) and was coming off a 18 month dry spell.
As the best looking girl I had fucked by a long shot, I fell hard for her and the sex was amazing. After 6 months of romantic bliss, I start getting more and more bothered by the fact that prior to getting with me, she was a plate for another (Typical, asshole) guy from our social circle. I caused a lot of arguments about it but was too needy and weak to dump her.
The second 6 months were deteriorating due to this, eventually sex stopped and
soon after she dumps me for 6 weeks. The whole time, i'm listening to sad songs being a typical beta, hoping we'll get back together, hardly functioning really.
We get in contact and get back together, we rent a house together and stop hanging out with that social circle, but after 6 months, i'm still bothered by this other guy issue. I feel too young for this, that it's going wrong again so I pre emptively dump her rather than wait for what I felt was the inevitable. (Apparently I'm the only guy that has ever dumped her)
We were in Ibiza when I told her and it seemed to absolutely crush her. she begged me not to, fucked me the best she ever had but I stood firm and she bought an early ticket home. I put her on the plane only to see her get off it again in tears, begging me not to end it.
We got home and despite more begging and though I really didn't want to do it as I loved her, I thought it was for the best in the long run and dumped her.
We were apart for 9 months in total.
I found out she started seeing someone within a few weeks but it took me a month of moping about to start going out.
I started hanging out with a few players in another social circle I hadn't seen since school. After another month awkwardly talking to girls I started to get the hang of it and opened scoring with 2 bangs in 24 hours.
1st one was shit as I couldnt get it up properly with emotional thoughts of my ex, 2nd one was an 18 year old solid 8.
I went on to fuck 6 more girls in the following 7 months, mostly SNL's as I had looks. One had a boyfriend and yet even seeing how these and other girls were with my mates, I still didnt 'get it' about women, my blue pill eyes wrote those off as sluts but my girl was a good girl who had made a mistake (or 2!)
My hamster was strong.
Even though a couple of the girls I fucked were objectively better looking than my ex, my blue pill heart told me she was the one that got away and I wanted her back.
Anyway, I got back with her for 3 months, wasn't too bothered by that one guy as I caused it by dumping her and I had fucked much more anyway. True Love (Male hamster) can overcome!!
I should say that I wasn't a total beta, particularly after the 9 month break. I think I was a mixture of blue pill romantic naivety and red pill natural alpha as I never took any shit from her.
I Remember once she started having a right go at me for checking out another girls legs while driving, so I screeched the car over and when she wouldn't get out, I leant over, opened her door and shoved her out on the floor, threw her handbag in her face and drove off. I Came back 10 mins later and we went on to have a nice meal at a resteraunt and some newly discovered anal sex that night.
I Never made the connection till I took the redpill!!
Anyway, after 3 months back together, I still feel I need to fuck some more girls and don't like cheating so I dump her again for a couple of months, but only fuck one more girl. She was trying to get back with me the whole time and in the end I decide I need to get my life straightened out and got back with her. I had got into debt from partying and not working as much during our breakups.
We had the conversation, she swore it was only one guy and never asked about mine. Because she was so messed up when I dumped her, spending months in her room crying apparently, her family fucking hated my guts and didn't speak to her for a few months or to me for over a year after we were back together.
I was now 23 and she 25.
The intervening 12 years
The next 2 years were stable between us two but a lot of shit went on that tested us. I had the tax man chasing me for unpaid taxes, sending bailiffs to the house at one point.
As a Muaythai fighter, I started working nightclub doors in rough towns at the weekend to make some extra cash. This had a negative affect on my motivation for my self employed day work and also I was getting into a lot of trouble with police (arrested 6 times, 2 trials, facing time inside but luckily not) and occasionally coming home covered in blood.
eventually, she was carrying us financially from her job and I could feel it not looking good again. When I hid from the bailifs at the door, I hit rock bottom and decide I have to turn it around. I stopped the door work, put all my effort into my business and proposed to her. She paid the bills and saved and paid for the (modest) wedding, I paid off my tax debt and for the honeymoon.
We got married at 25 and 27, and have now had 10 years of relatively successful marriage. She fell pregnant within a few months and we bought our first house before the first daughter was born. I worked hard and business went well for me, she gave up full time work and we had another daughter and a son.
She works part time and increases hours as and when I need her to, but I prefer her to look after me and the kids. She has been a decent wife, still size 8, pretty, feminine, caring, always giving and looking after everyone else first, treats me well, with respect, cooks good healthy food, keeps the house well, never had a single social media account, never flirts and never denies me sex (Though we have had periods of boring sex, on the whole its good enthusiastic sex, 3-5 times a week with regular BJ's, P2M and anal as much as I want. The best sex is obviously when she is ovulating when it can be 2-3 times a day if I want it)
Unlike a lot of bitchy women, she never complains about the lack of things we have had (For example I had her on a budget of £50 a week for food for 5 of us for about 4 months, and she did it well, we also went 4 years without a holiday after our first child was born) on the whole just totally committed to our marriage and family.
However, I definitely look back and see that I became betaized in this period of the last 10 years, I gave up my Muaythai training, lost contact with friends, got a bit fat, focussed on work, work, work and became a soft, boring 'family man', even dressed boring, and generally felt worn out. Despite working my arse off and earning good money, I overextended myself by putting the kids in private school at 30k per annum so the fees along with saving for the rebuild meant I felt poor the last 5 years, living in a small, run down house for 4 years before I could build it, driving a shitty car, and cheap holidays if at all.
The shitstorm
So this last Christmas, I start building the house.
Its cold with only one log burner for heating and 5 of us are sleeping in one room.
I'm under financial pressure with increasing school fees and a lot of money to spend on this house.
About a month in, I had a dream my wife was cheating on me and I couldnt shake the feeling of suspicion. There is nothing obvious I can put my finger on so I start asking about old shit, about when we were broken up, I just know there is something she is not telling me about that.
She swears on the kids lives that there is nothing (ha)
I hound her for weeks then one night, she admits her n count is more than 8, she thinks its 12.
The next day, she is crying and I say there is still more, tell me.
Eventually she says "there was another person in the 9 month break, but I was so scared to lose you, If you knew who it was (i'll come back to this later) you wouldn't want to be with me, I knew how you'd react, I couldn't risk telling you."
My heart is beating and I say "who?"
then she says "it was a jnr doctor from work" (She was a student nurse).
I'm not happy but I could actually handle this, I say, "well that doesn't totally surprise me, 9 months is a long time" she says "yeah right, you wont be saying that when your beating me later" Famous last words!
I go off and later have a nap.
I wake up to her stroking my face, we sit in silence, then it dawns on me.
I say, "hang on, you were'nt working at that hospital during our 9 month break?"
She says, "Oh, it must have been the first time", like it didnt fucking matter!
That was the time she dumped me for 6 weeks when I was crying like a baby feeling sorry for myself.
I jump up, pace round the room calling her every cunt fucking whore name under the sun, getting wound up as I realise my whole fucking marriage and 15 years just went down the pan and I feel something go ping inside me, I lock eyes on her and her words from earlier go through my head "yeah right, you wont be saying that when your beating me later"
I lost it and rained punches on her, blacking both eyes and threw her across the room before she ran outside.
She called my dad to come calm me down but I couldnt. I called her everything in front of him, and told her to go. She eventually took the kids and went to her parents. The next night, the police arrested me from my bed, though it turns out to have been her brother that called them.
She wouldnt make a statement, so they let me go without charge after 20 hours.
5 days later, after a lot or nasty texts both ways, I tell her to come home, we will make a go of it for the kids sake. She comes home and tells me she has to get it all off her chest, there was another person in the 9 month break. So that makes 3 people during our break ups, the jnr doctor she dumped me for first time, the one I always knew about from the 9 month break and another I didn't.
I decide I will try to handle this for the sake of the kids.
She is all over me, extra submissive, extra loving and that night, she fucked me 3 times, kept waking me up through the night to fuck, sobbing and kissing me and fucking me really good. Amazing sex every night for a week.
But then I would get haunted by those thoughts again, and I would go cold on her, we would fight and then I would come out of it after a few days and say lets make a go of it, then she was happy. After another week, I could tell by her face there was something else, and say "there is more isnt there? "
She denies but I persist, suspecting there is a higher notch count still undisclosed.
Low and behold, she eventually says, she had previously never added up how many, she didn't like to think about it as she was ashamed of it, but didn't want to keep anything else from me so she worked it out, its 17. (13 before me and 3 during our breaks).
I didn't immediately react but I thought about it over the days and I began to feel more disgusted by it all.
Lovely a person as she was, she was a whore in my books and I just couldnt reconcile the facts with the person I had loved for so long.
I never wanted a wife that fucked so many guys.
She seemed for a long time like a stranger to me, I would look at her and think "I dont know you".
I felt hate to her for keeping this information from me, and allowing me to make such important life decisions as marriage and children without all the facts.
She knew I would never have married her If I knew all this.
She has put me in a position where I either have to go to save my pride but hurt my children or stay and swallow a steaming pile of shit that will likely repeat on me forever.
The main issues for me are;
A- Her dumping me for the doctor, so she basically settled for me as plan B when he had finished with her,
B- just the lies and loss of general trust.
That is probably the biggest to get over after so long together, the feeling that I have lived a false reality for 14 years, created by her for her own ends. I have been working and sacrificing my best years, money and pussy for a family life that I may never ultimately have, and if I do, not in the fairytale way I had hoped, but maybe that's just some of the blue pill fantasy remaining.
The thought that her friends and some of that old social group knew about this doctor and perhaps some of her past but I was the ignorant fool grates at my pride.
Now, how do I know there still isnt more? How do I know it is not 47 or 107 other guys?
Red Flags
Now I recall redflags that I wrote off before.
Daddy issues - childhood starved of affection by her harsh parents but regularly exposed sexual images and sexual acts between her parents from a young age.
Father totally stopped talking to her from 13 onwards until early 20's. She admits she looked for love and escape in her boyfriends, so #17 seems low for such an upbringing!
Slutty, cheating friends,whom she had girls holidays with.
In the first couple of months of our relationship, I smelled men's aftershave on her hair the day after a night out. Could have been laying on a chest?
Again in first few months, a text came through while we were both in bed saying 'do you want to meet for sex tonight?' she immediately deleted it before I had chance to call it back, when I asked why, she said, I was shocked and embarrassed at something like that while I was in bed with my boyfriend!
When she initially recently told me there was someone else in the 9 months, she said "if you knew who it was, you wouldn't want to be with me" but then told me it was a doctor, who I would not have known, who was actually on a different break up anyway.
Did she bottle out at the last minute from telling me about someone I know, someone that may still be around me to this day?
she says that she doesn't know why she said that, she was under pressure from me and that there is nothing else to come out.
She begged me to let her do a polygraph lie detector that basically asked, from the start of your relationship to today, apart from the issues discussed (The 3 people on the breaks) have you kissed/sexual contact/sex intercourse with anyone else?
She passed that but it doesn't cover her past and I don't know how reliable they really are, whether she could reframe in her mind when the start of the relationship was to suit.
Once trust is gone, everything is up for question.
So I wrestled with this shit for 6 months, going through a depression stage where the world literally looked blue to my eyes, going to see a counsellor for my narcissistic behaviour, going to see CBT counsellor to get these thoughts out my head, all the while emotionally torturing her from one week to the next with push/pull, yes I can do it, no I can't, you lying slut, but desperately not wanting to repeat history with my own broken fucked up family background.
All this time I was maxing my SMV with weights, MMA, sunbeds, hair/teeth/clothes.
Eventually, our 10 year anniversary came around and I tried to buy her a card for over an hour, but couldn't bring myself to buy something and write something I didnt feel. Everytime I walked to the counter with it, I had a really strong gut feeling I was putting my head back in a noose. I knew it would blow up next day when she got out all the gifts and mushy words.
6 weeks ago I finally moved out and have been doing a bit of gaming but things have cooled down between us and i'm kind of going back there, sometimes sleeping there, fucking her, kids are happy we're no longer arguing but asking when i'm coming back. She thinks we're making a go of it, albeit temporarily living apart. I'm in 2 minds.
Oddly, since iv been getting interest from other girls (though not yet fucked one) the old stuff about her doesn't seem to bother me so much.
I'm kind of in a happy place for now, got my space and freedom to game some women and chill out when I want, can always rely on home comforts when I want them, regular good sex and happy kids I can see whenever I want. No issues about other guys coming in etc.
I realise this can't last though and I will eventually have to move back in which will curtail some of my freedom to game and probably cause these old issues to rise up again or leave her properly and hurt my kids, see them one day living under another man's roof and possibly see their lives get messed up as a result.
This is now horrendously long but if nothing else, it has actually helped me to get it all out on paper, so to speak.
My current thoughts
I am still undecided about what to do, Rollo says the juice is never worth the squeeze with stuff like this.
I'm now fully redpill and know AWALT, even my wife.
This actually helps me understand that none of it was personal, like in a bluepill fairytale.
The known lies she told were concealing real n count and 2 people she was with during breakups. Red flags point to possibly cheating in early days.
I don't have that same love and respect for her I once had, this is probably a good thing.
I don't doubt her love for me NOW, after all I have put her through and the humiliation of airing her past in public and going to her family bruised but coming back to me, after finding texts from another woman, still doing anything to keep me. There is a lot of equity in this house now and she is in top 10% looks for her age so she has options and so much ammo to divorce if she wanted to.
I understand her love though is only dependant on her hypergamous estimate of the current situation, with my SMV ascending while hers declines.
She betrayed me 14 years ago when her SMV was higher than mine.
She lied to me about it so she could have her cake and eat it (No puns here please!)
I can believe she feared telling me as I have always had a violent temper (Though never hit her like that before, or kids ever).
Given her good track record over 14 years since, I could do a lot worse for a wife.
Fairly sure, after her reaction to finding texts from another woman, that I could discreetly game other women without her asking too many questions. As long as she's confident I wouldn't leave her.
My children would benefit immeasurably from a stable home life with both parents if it is at all possible to achieve.
It's possible I could still be living in oblivious humiliation by staying with her if there is more (worse) as yet undiscovered from early days, which the redflags point to.
Or, there may actually be nothing else to come as per her polygraph test, and those suspicions could just be fear/ego protection based.
Can I live with what I already know?
If so, can I live with possibility of more I don't know?
Can I really walk out on 3 young children based on suspicion alone?
Decisions, decisions.
If anyone has read this far down, what the fuck is wrong with you?!
Seriously, thanks and I'd really appreciate your considered opinion.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - CleanSlate - 10-15-2015
I scanned your novel and there are a few issues you need to consider before making a decision. You are right to think that she is a cheating whore and that you deserve better, but...
- You have a rap sheet from the past where you've gotten arrested 6 times. This might, no... this WILL play against you in divorce court.
- You beat your wife up. She might have deserved it, might not, but she could raise a domestic violence charge against you if things get ugly during the divorce.
- How old are your kids again?
- What's your job and source of income? You live in the UK, right?
What you don't want to do is stay in this rotten and toxic marriage for the "sake of the kids", but you absolutely need to prepare for what's coming down the pike should you decide (or worse, she decides) to divorce. I don't want to scare the shit out of you, but this could get real nasty.
If I were you, I would talk with a lawyer immediately. Like, right now.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - Alpharius - 10-15-2015
Lawyer up. Better safe than very, very, very sorry.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - not_dead_yet - 10-15-2015
Quote: (10-15-2015 01:06 PM)SuperBock Wrote:
If anyone has read this far down, what the fuck is wrong with you?!
I stopped when you lost your shit because she banged some doctor and slutted around twelve years ago.
Any chick that didn't send you to jail after you beat the shit out of her is super loyal to you. I'm not one to take sides here, but I have to wonder what your issues are.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - Sam Malone - 10-15-2015
Superbock, PM sent.
Just as an aside, that his (soon to be ?) ex took him back after he beat her up may negate any use of that. She can't really pull the "fear for her life" card, simply BECAUSE she took him back.
Ever since OJ and Nicole, it's been made incredibly easy for a woman to file a false DV (Domestic Violence) charge. The fact that she didn't (file one) could actually work AGAINST her.
That's also assuming that OP has legal representation, should this make it into a courtroom.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - jamaicabound - 10-15-2015
Quote: (10-15-2015 02:21 PM)not_dead_yet Wrote:
Quote: (10-15-2015 01:06 PM)SuperBock Wrote:
If anyone has read this far down, what the fuck is wrong with you?!
I stopped when you lost your shit because she banged some doctor and slutted around twelve years ago.
Any chick that didn't send you to jail after you beat the shit out of her is super loyal to you. I'm not one to take sides here, but I have to wonder what your issues are.
Agree, I read about 3/4 of your post and tuned out after that. No dude likes knowing about or hearing about their chicks past which is why personally I don't go out of my way to talk about that stuff with someone I'm serious about.
I wouldn't say I wouldn't be hurt, annoyed, mad, etc about the issues you mentioned but sounds like everything your upset about is shit from about a decade ago when you were both younger and stupider and early on in the relationship.
If she's been a good wife for a decade I woudln't hold stuff from 12 years ago against her.
Also, as far as the beating up your wife thing, I know were never supposed to hit women and all that jazz. I'll be the first to admit there are women who deserve to be hit and when women wanna act like men and fight they should be hit but in your instance this was totally uncalled for and unnecessary. I'm sure you probably after the fact beat yourself up for it but terrible move there, have some self control, don't be so emtional or yo''ll get yourself in lots of trouble. Props for her for not milking that siutation and ruining your life.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - LINUX - 10-15-2015
You need to see a psychologist and get on some medication.
Fucking guy(s) when you're not together with her doesn't mean she deserved to get the shit beat out of her because of your low self-esteem. Hopefully your kids didn't see it.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - LeBeau - 10-15-2015
Should be in Newbie Forum
Should I get back with my wife after this? - mpr - 10-15-2015
So I scanned your post. Not to sound too harsh but: you admit to having a record, you beat the shit out of your wife, you admit that your wife has carried you and your family financially, and she apparently has a decent shot at locking down a doctor if she puts in the time and effort. You say you make "good money"; but don't say what your job is other then being a bouncer, and then say that you "live poor". No offense but guys with rap sheets generally don't make "good money". Not only that but because of your past your wife basically has a 100% chance of getting the kids and getting child support payments from you.
At this point she's only with you because she wants to be. The question isn't whether you should take her back. It's whether she should take you back. I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but look at the situation objectively. Would you want your daughter marrying the type of man you just described? All of this is from your own narrative, which is obviously biased in your favor and makes your story all the more damning.
I get that you're jealous that she banged other guys before you, slept around after you broke up, and exaggerated her N-count [all women do]. But the time to address that was before you got married and had kids. Not a decade later after you claim that she's been an obedient and faithful wife.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - SuperBock - 10-15-2015
CleanSlate, you say i'm right in thinking she's a cheating whore, is that because of the red flags I mentioned?
They do seem obvious on their own but despite her record, she just doesn't seem the type to cheat. That said, I recognise I'm not as experienced with women as many on here and also have an ego investment in believing that.
I am actually wanting to stay together if at all possible, because as others have recognised in her behaviour, she is fundamantally a pretty good woman and not like so many I see around me.
Finding out she cheated on me, even back then would be the only thing that would make me walk away now, but i'm never likely to be able to prove or disprove that now.
Her past I can deal with, it's probably not that bad by today's standards.
The stuff on the breakups, even the dumping I can deal with because it's so long ago, I had a hand in it (By being a bitching beta boy about her ex all the time and then by dumping her twice) and because she has proved loyalty to me since and through this. If she was a real whore, we would not have lasted so long, it would have come out by now, whereas everybody that meets her loves her and can't understand my behaviour, saying she worships the ground I walk on.
The lies are an issue but I do understand why she might have, which is not an excuse, and I guess it takes time to rebuild trust
Yeah I would like to go and bang a load of girls for a while, I never want any more kids and would never marry again but i'm pretty sure i'll end up settling down again later in life with someone for company. That someone will most likely have kids, have lied, maybe even cheated, have fucked a load of guys in her life but at that stage, I wont care, I'll take her as she is. If she's good she stays if she's not she goes. May as well be my current wife and not fuck up my kids lives in the process.
To those who asked, yes I recognise my reaction to that news was way OTT and I deeply regret the extent I went to. The best thing would have been to just calmly end it there and then and stick to that rather than all this drama. Yes I no doubt had/have some issues which I did allude to in my post.
I also see that as Rollo said in one of his posts, a LTR stunts a man's emotional growth so he doesnt advise getting into one until mid 30's.
I feel that is true of me, I went into this relationship as an emotionally incompetent 20 year old and have remained at that emotional stage ever since, no real setbacks as such to force growth. Once this blew up in my face, I reacted like a the emotional kid I was in a 35 year old body. Over these months though, I can feel I have become stronger and much more controlled emotionally and don't fear breaking up/the unknown like I used to. I have had to recognise she cant make me happy, I have to be happy on my own when it looked like I was going that way,so I faced it and moved out and realised there was another future out there, and that it wouldnt be the end of the world if we broke up.
But that space has also given me some time to weigh up both options and I'm leaning to getting back with her, again mainly for the kids and if AWALT, better the devil I know.
I just wanted to run the facts as I see them by you all to get your valued opinions and to see if I was on the right track or had missed anything important.
thanks and anymore opinions are welcome.
EDIT...
I see some more comments have come in.
The story is not biased in my favour, I tried to keep it as factual as possible.
She carried us for about 6 months before we got married and had kids.
I run a contracting company and over the past 5-6 years generally make between £80k/£110k/year depending on how business goes.
She brings in about 10-15k.
Despite that, after tax and with school fees and saving up for the house build (I didnt want to borrow), we never seem to have much spare cash around.
Yeah, the time to address that stuff was precisely before we got married and had kids. We had the conversation when we first got back together and before we got married. She had every opportunity to tell me but she said it was just that one guy in the break up and all else was as she had previously told me. I was happy with that. I was so pissed off, because it didn't have to be this way, this shit should not be coming out 10 years and 3 children later.
She could have been with someone who was happy with her honest past and I could have been with someone with a past I was happy with. I was not happy to find out, out of the blue that I was now going to have to lump this particular unsavoury stuff or fuck up my childrens lives, and I take my role as a father seriously. Although it happened a long time ago, because it just came out for me, it was like it just happened now.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - Oz. - 10-15-2015
This shit is longer than a Shakespeare play
Should I get back with my wife after this? - Dantes - 10-15-2015
It sounds like she is the best thing in your life and you should be asking how you get her back. As you describe, she is:
a good mother
keeps a good home
provides sex/BJs on demand
contributes financially when asked to do so.
In the western world, she seems to be a fairly traditional wife who keeps up her end of the bargain. You have what many of us want in a woman, albeit a high notch count mostly accumulated before you met her.
Ostensibly, she has not cheated on you. You should expect any desirable woman to be banging someone else if she becomes a free agent. That is exactly what she was, free when you broke up for 9 months.
Lastly, get yourself therapeutic help and your kids too if they have been privy to this. Don't kid yourself, there was nothing Red Pill about your actions.
Good luck
Should I get back with my wife after this? - worldwidetraveler - 10-15-2015
Quote: (10-15-2015 04:10 PM)SuperBock Wrote:
I take my role as a father seriously.
If that was true, you wouldn't have beaten up their mother. You have some issues and seem to be blaming it on your wife. If you don't get it taken care of, it won't matter who you are with. You will be miserable
Should I get back with my wife after this? - Mr Mandingo - 10-16-2015
There is so much I feel like saying but haven't got the time at this moment. However, the most important question you need to answer honestly to yourself is this;
are you willing/able to forget her past and move on?
If no, then leave in the best possible terms so you still may have unrestricted access to the kids. That will be the best possible outcome following that decision.
I feel (I may be wrong) you still have issues with insecurity. Not sure how you will react to her moving on, and seeing someone else, which will inevitably happen if you decide to go. Hopefully you'll be civilised about it.
Tough decision to make no doubt, though I feel most guys would not be as bothered about all this stuff you keep raising against her from 10+ yrs ago, naughty as they may be!
I recommend a solo holiday in south America or SEA for 3-6months, maybe more to clear your head and then when you return decide what you want and MEAN IT, no going back in thoughts, words or actions!
Good luck
Should I get back with my wife after this? - iknowexactly - 10-16-2015
Seriously beating up a woman who loves you shows you have serious problems, among them probably some deep seated personality problems where you tend to see yourself as a victim when actually you are the one fucking things up.
You may also have mood instabilty. You will probably tend to quit therapy because they will challenge you and most mental health people don't really like those with strong anti-social tendencies.
Reality therapy, where they try to present things in terms of your own interests, might be more useful than attempting to get you to feel more empathy. Some evidence indicates regular psychotherapy makes anti-social personalities worse.
I imagined some male relatives of hers and how they might have reacted to your behavior. How would you feel if that ambushed you and beat up?
Should I get back with my wife after this? - yfc4 - 10-16-2015
These problems are never going to go away. If you're still bitter about her banging guys when you were broken up, 15 years later, I doubt you're ever going to get over it. Do yourself, your wife and kids a favour and move on.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - HankMoody - 10-16-2015
Conversation that happens a lot...
"Hank, are you ever going to get married and settle down?"
"No."
"Aren't you worried about dying alone?"
"No."
"You're happy living alone?"
"Yes."
"That one girl I see you with, don't you love her and want to move her in and have kids with her?"
"No."
"How is your life fulfilling?"
"Um, while you were working a 9-5 job to pay for a house you can't afford and three kids, I was shooting guns, sleeping in, playing video games, reading, writing, doing Crossfit, and banging a 23 year old chick. Now I'm going to sip some nice bourbon."
"And that really makes you happy?"
"Yes."
"I hate you."
Should I get back with my wife after this? - JacksonRev - 10-16-2015
Since I've actually been married to a cheating wife, I'm not going to white knight for her or pull some you need therapy bullshit card.
However, she cheated, you beat her, so now you're basically square. You have 3 kids together, so make it work until they're grown, and hopefully by then you'll be a decent couple again.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - Dantes - 10-16-2015
Quote: (10-16-2015 12:49 PM)kleyau Wrote:
Since I've actually been married to a cheating wife, I'm not going to white knight for her or pull some you need therapy bullshit card.
However, she cheated, you beat her, so now you're basically square. You have 3 kids together, so make it work until they're grown, and hopefully by then you'll be a decent couple again.
It could have missed something in the OP but my understanding is that she had sex with another man when they were broken up for 9 months. This is not cheating. She seems to have been a very good wife.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - RDF - 10-16-2015
Quote: (10-16-2015 12:49 PM)kleyau Wrote:
Since I've actually been married to a cheating wife, I'm not going to white knight for her or pull some you need therapy bullshit card.
However, she cheated, you beat her, so now you're basically square. You have 3 kids together, so make it work until they're grown, and hopefully by then you'll be a decent couple again.
She didn't cheat. She slept with another guy when the OP and her were broken up, over 10 years ago, and just never told him. There are "red flags" that he cites for cheating (including her going on holiday with her girl friends...), but no tangible evidence. Big, big difference.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - CleanSlate - 10-16-2015
I must have missed the part where they were broken up for 9 months. So that changes my picture of this situation a bit.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - PapayaTapper - 10-16-2015
OP...I don't know you at all and without "walking a mile in your shoes" I nor anyone else can truly judge your situation. That said, from the info you've provided, in spite of what she did or did not do 15 yrs ago, it sounds like you may be lucky to even still have her.
My father once told me (and Ive heard it ever since) "They're all whores except your Mom and the one you marry".
Should I get back with my wife after this? - EvanWilson - 10-16-2015
Should you get back with my wife after this?
I have not gone through all of the details, but about 50% of the way through your 'novel' I can give you what the answer should be:
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO
Should I get back with my wife after this? - EvanWilson - 10-16-2015
Should you get back with my wife after this? NO
Explanation for my answer:
You already have a over DECADE into this woman, and all kinds of stuff is still going on. The situation is NOT going to get any better, if anything, every little problem that you have had over the years is just going to build up and result you in having a civil/maybe criminal record, until of course, your 'special' ex gets you in jail for a few years and/or totally broke. And even after that, she 'will be sorry' and want one more chance.
Should I get back with my wife after this? - SuperBock - 10-16-2015
Just to clarify, I stated that I always knew about one guy when we were broken up for 9 months, that was no issue as I dumped her. When she recently first admitted her notch count was 'a bit' higher, wasn't happy but no big deal, when she told me there was another person in the 9 month break, I said I wasn't really surprised, no no big deal. The one that made me blow my top and beat her (which I am not proud of and most of you are emotionally reacting to) was when she said there was another one in the 6 week break when she dumped me.
She later admitted kissing him before dumping me so basically what actually happened was she parked me to go fuck him for a bit and when it didn't work she picked me up again without me knowing a thing. ( I guess I shouldn't have been so naive, but it was my first relationship) Had it worked with him she wouldn't have been back to me, so I was just plan b. When she came back recently after I had hit her, she told me her notch count was actually over double at 17, again no reaction.
Most people I guess have this happen to them at some point but they find out and they move on and DGAF years later. The person is out of their life. It's much harder to find out it happened not by some past bitch but by the very woman in front of you, you have loved for a decade.
The problems and frustrations on my part that came after were mostly due to loss of trust from her lying. I had trusted her totally (lesson learned) and trust is a massive thing for me, I don't trust easily. She had sworn on our kids lives there was nothing to tell so once that trust in her word has gone, then everything is open to question. Have i been so blind? Is there more yet? Has she been cheating on me all along? What about the old red flags, they look a lot more suspect now.
it's like the rug has been ripped from under you and you'rein freefall, all your points of reference for navigating life are adrift, with a bluepill lens ripped off, the narrative of how our 'love overcame' is revealed as a fabrication to suit her hypergamous strategy.
she always knew how strongly I always felt about this stuff but chose to go ahead and keep it from me anyway and get married and have kids.
She says it was because she loved me so much but since I found redpill, and with her past revealed its more likely I'm the BB in her AF/BB hypergamous sexual strategy.
I don't want to be that guy, but now she has put me in a position of either accepting it or damaging my kids lives, which creates frustration and yes anger.
Having said all that, time and space is allowing me to adjust to things, trust is growing and I have a better and more realistic take on things. I can appreciate her better qualities which remain and I accept the past stuff as not as important as what is good in the here and now.
I don't want to dwell on the negative past.
BUT..,
The only question mark is whether the red flags do point to cheating, even back then as that is something I just would not ever accept, even a decade later.