HI. I thought it was time for an updated Moscow sheet for ’16 / ’17 since I know the city pretty well. Here’s a list of places I’ve been to and was sober enough to remember, good and bad.
Would be interested meet up with anyone who’s here in Moscow right now or plans to be soon. I’m in my thirties by the way. Feel free to get in contact.
Duran Bar - Club full of hardcore, enhanced sharky girls looking for a sponsor and older men of questionable means with a focus on table bottle service. Supposedly harshest face controller in all of Moscow who looks like he just returned from murdering children on the front line of some conflict zone, but he will usually soften when faced with the prospect of hosting a foreigner (there aren’t that many in here). It’s fun to go and watch this sleazy zoo but your currency as a foreigner will be lower inside here than you might think. Has an elitist reputation but the public are fairly trashy. You will be convinced you can pull here all night until the very end when you go home alone with an empty wallet and a head full of silicon enhanced memories…
Soho Rooms - Used to be THE Moscow clubbing venue for the elite, but it’s going down hill and they now let any tom dick and sergey in. A lot of the women here are bribed by the club to be there early so your pants will bulge upon arrival in happy anticipation before slowly deflating in a rising tide of sausage as the night progresses. However the vibe here is way friendlier than Duran Bar as many of the sponsor-seekers have probably moved over there. The staff here including bouncers are surprisingly very friendly and seem to enjoy their jobs (unbelievable for Moscow!). Has multiple levels, but they only open them depending on how busy it is. People smoke everywhere here if that bothers you. Lots of foreigners and they are very much welcomed. Go when there is a Black Star artist singing, get there early and get to work. You will pull here, many girls are looking for foreigners.
Buddha Bar - Same decor and vibe as the ones in Kiev (minus the pros), Prague, London et al. but more expensive with slightly worse food. Great in winter months as has a show inside and dance floor full of top tier women after 1am. Summer terrace with show outdoor in summer. They charge a minimum spend of 10k roubles for a dinner table in the main room or terrace at the weekend but you get to keep it all night. I believe they have a camera on the front door and the receptionist eyeballs you on a screen before radioing the bouncers to say whether you can come in or not… hilarious procedure. I do like this place, it’s expensive but the public is classy. You might not pull here if the dance floor doesn’t fill up, but as far as the girls go it’s top tier.
Valenok - The latest trendy place for the attention wh*res to instagram themselves at, opened last summer by Novikov. It’s a restaurant with a courtyard and becomes a club with DJ and live music at the weekend. Surprisingly weak face control only starting at about 11pm results in quite a few drunken douchebags. However, girls here are very very hot, hugely abundant and younger than some above venues. Food surprisingly reasonably priced and nice but the live music is way way too loud, I mean like rock concert levels, so DON’T eat here without ear plugs! You will definitely pull here as you will be heavily outnumbered but bear in mind you won’t be able to hear whatever vacuous nonsense the girls are wittering on about… possibly a plan with no drawbacks. You will most likely wake up the next day with chlamydia and tinnitus.
Icon - The better of all the venues on drunken island. Staff here are unfriendly even by Russian standards and harbour a higher than average level of contempt for foreigners but will grudgingly let you in anyway. You may have to buy a bar card to get in here for 3k roubles but you will soon spend it on booze. The women tend to be younger and hot (18-25) and it will be empty until 1am but fills up fast with great ratio. Not as high end as Soho or Duran, attracts more students but well dressed ones rather than hipsters. Smaller than it looks in photos. Yes you will pull here.
Gipsy - Massively huge Moscow institution in a warehouse on drunken island next to icon, reminded me of space in Ibiza. Used to have harsh face control but after closing and reopening several times they seem to be desperate to fill the place and so let anyone in. Much younger student crowd rammed with hundreds and hundreds of very drunk hipster girls and lots of fights. If you are under 25 you will probably think this is the greatest club on earth, but if over 30 you may feel rather old. Highly recommended for the youngsters but it seems to get shut down every few months so check it’s actually open as I haven’t been for a while. Icon is smaller and more civilised. Frankly if you can’t pull in Gipsy you might as well be dead…
Shakti Terrace - Another one on drunken island next to Icon and Gypsy. They have a live show on either Thursday or Friday which is their big night, all other nights it’s quiet. Not sure how good it is in the depths of winter. Less clubby than the others so start here and then move on. Has good food and a nice vibe.
Siberia - Supposedly one of the hottest venues in Moscow aiming to take over from Soho Rooms with fearsome face control but I was somewhat underwhelmed. The bouncers stand directly on the street eyeballing everyone so don’t turn up in a battered uber x or they won’t let you in. They have been quiet of late and many tables in the restaurant now have no minimum spend but don’t bother as the food and service is totally rubbish! This place can’t decide if it’s a restaurant or a club, as layout is odd but music is good ibiza deep house and plenty of bottle popping ballers here. A slightly older crowd than some other venues e.g. Valenok but worth a look. Lurk by the bar with wallet in hand and speak loudly in English to anyone who will listen if you want to pull. The girls will come to you.
Kalina Bar - Lovely large bar above Lotte Plaza with great views. Great comfortable lounge place for a romantic date as it’s quiet and has pretty good food. Apparently has some pros but I’ve never witnessed them touting. Not particularly happening or buzzy. The karaoke room is unintentionally hilarious in a way that only Russian karaoke can be.
Oblaka - Club and restaurant also above a shopping centre (hard to find the entrance) and has a strange atmosphere inside like its a converted office (which it probably is). Thursday is supposedly the big night here and the venue is seen as being high-end but in fact attracts a slightly odd and trashy crowd (not in a good way) with lots of oafish dudes with zero game and a propensity for violence. Can be virtually empty at the weekends unless there is a concert. Food is surprisingly good. You can pull here if you pick the right night i.e. when there is a famous artist singing. Some contempt for foreigners noted here but plenty of women with fake lips for you to spit game at.
Turandot - Not a club but a very impressive (and expensive) restaurant with a gaudy main room and a lovely romantic summer terrace. Take a date here and you are guaranteed to get your wallet drained but almost certainly your balls too. Seems to be top of the list of a vast numbers of Moscow girls who (wrongly) think its classy. There is a fine line between glamorous and tacky, this place veers towards the latter but pulls itself back with its fine dining credentials.
Novikov - The first Novikov restaurant and bar located on Tverskaya. Used to be a party scene on the weekends and full of pros looking for foreigners, along with other attention seeking civilians but the crowd that used to be here has now moved to Valenok leaving this place dead so avoid it.
Rose Bar - Mid range bar designed to vaguely to look like a boat (I think?!). Pretty nice food but small portions, and a smallish dance floor but some nice girls here in 20-30 age range after midnight. No face control at all but luckily the douchebags haven’t found this out yet and you will meet relatively normal girls here. Can be quiet but worth a look.
White Rabbit - By far the best all round restaurant in Moscow in my opinion. Glass ceiling, terrace, amazing views, romantic vibe and full of gorgeous women in groups as well as couples. Food is pretty good, although the chef has a mysterious tendency to find a way of incorporating buttery mashed potato into every dish. Unintended entertainment can be found by observing the awkward behaviour of beta foreign expats on dates with their cash-extracting, barely able to speak english, Russian girlfriends.
Chips -Yet another Novikov establishment in the centre with his seemingly ubiquitous rude staff. Several floors of restaurants along with large covered terrace in summer and a decent sized dance floor. Food is nice but overpriced. However the terrace seems to have been very popular this last summer which pulls in the girls and the club itself is actually pretty well laid out.
Tatler - Located in the radisson royal hotel, this is a really good venue nicely fitted out that could be great but suffers from zero promotion and is therefore dead so avoid. The food is nice so I keep returning hoping it will actually have more than 10 people inside but it never does. Shame.
Mercedes Bar - Crappy little overpriced bar on an upper floor of the radisson royal hotel. Full of business men from the hotel hoping to get laid, bored looking DJ and zero atmosphere. Avoid.
Erwin - A fairly recently opened seafood restaurant that is a big hit with the look-at-me crowd so you will see some real stunners in here so it’s a good place to go just for the view really. Only opportunity for gaming is at the bar whilst waiting for a table or whilst smoking. The staff here are incompetent and rude and the food is totally overpriced and really not that good but everyone seems to love it here and it gets booked out.
That’s it. As I said earlier, any of you guys in Moscow who wanna hang out feel free to get in touch.
Would be interested meet up with anyone who’s here in Moscow right now or plans to be soon. I’m in my thirties by the way. Feel free to get in contact.
Duran Bar - Club full of hardcore, enhanced sharky girls looking for a sponsor and older men of questionable means with a focus on table bottle service. Supposedly harshest face controller in all of Moscow who looks like he just returned from murdering children on the front line of some conflict zone, but he will usually soften when faced with the prospect of hosting a foreigner (there aren’t that many in here). It’s fun to go and watch this sleazy zoo but your currency as a foreigner will be lower inside here than you might think. Has an elitist reputation but the public are fairly trashy. You will be convinced you can pull here all night until the very end when you go home alone with an empty wallet and a head full of silicon enhanced memories…
Soho Rooms - Used to be THE Moscow clubbing venue for the elite, but it’s going down hill and they now let any tom dick and sergey in. A lot of the women here are bribed by the club to be there early so your pants will bulge upon arrival in happy anticipation before slowly deflating in a rising tide of sausage as the night progresses. However the vibe here is way friendlier than Duran Bar as many of the sponsor-seekers have probably moved over there. The staff here including bouncers are surprisingly very friendly and seem to enjoy their jobs (unbelievable for Moscow!). Has multiple levels, but they only open them depending on how busy it is. People smoke everywhere here if that bothers you. Lots of foreigners and they are very much welcomed. Go when there is a Black Star artist singing, get there early and get to work. You will pull here, many girls are looking for foreigners.
Buddha Bar - Same decor and vibe as the ones in Kiev (minus the pros), Prague, London et al. but more expensive with slightly worse food. Great in winter months as has a show inside and dance floor full of top tier women after 1am. Summer terrace with show outdoor in summer. They charge a minimum spend of 10k roubles for a dinner table in the main room or terrace at the weekend but you get to keep it all night. I believe they have a camera on the front door and the receptionist eyeballs you on a screen before radioing the bouncers to say whether you can come in or not… hilarious procedure. I do like this place, it’s expensive but the public is classy. You might not pull here if the dance floor doesn’t fill up, but as far as the girls go it’s top tier.
Valenok - The latest trendy place for the attention wh*res to instagram themselves at, opened last summer by Novikov. It’s a restaurant with a courtyard and becomes a club with DJ and live music at the weekend. Surprisingly weak face control only starting at about 11pm results in quite a few drunken douchebags. However, girls here are very very hot, hugely abundant and younger than some above venues. Food surprisingly reasonably priced and nice but the live music is way way too loud, I mean like rock concert levels, so DON’T eat here without ear plugs! You will definitely pull here as you will be heavily outnumbered but bear in mind you won’t be able to hear whatever vacuous nonsense the girls are wittering on about… possibly a plan with no drawbacks. You will most likely wake up the next day with chlamydia and tinnitus.
Icon - The better of all the venues on drunken island. Staff here are unfriendly even by Russian standards and harbour a higher than average level of contempt for foreigners but will grudgingly let you in anyway. You may have to buy a bar card to get in here for 3k roubles but you will soon spend it on booze. The women tend to be younger and hot (18-25) and it will be empty until 1am but fills up fast with great ratio. Not as high end as Soho or Duran, attracts more students but well dressed ones rather than hipsters. Smaller than it looks in photos. Yes you will pull here.
Gipsy - Massively huge Moscow institution in a warehouse on drunken island next to icon, reminded me of space in Ibiza. Used to have harsh face control but after closing and reopening several times they seem to be desperate to fill the place and so let anyone in. Much younger student crowd rammed with hundreds and hundreds of very drunk hipster girls and lots of fights. If you are under 25 you will probably think this is the greatest club on earth, but if over 30 you may feel rather old. Highly recommended for the youngsters but it seems to get shut down every few months so check it’s actually open as I haven’t been for a while. Icon is smaller and more civilised. Frankly if you can’t pull in Gipsy you might as well be dead…
Shakti Terrace - Another one on drunken island next to Icon and Gypsy. They have a live show on either Thursday or Friday which is their big night, all other nights it’s quiet. Not sure how good it is in the depths of winter. Less clubby than the others so start here and then move on. Has good food and a nice vibe.
Siberia - Supposedly one of the hottest venues in Moscow aiming to take over from Soho Rooms with fearsome face control but I was somewhat underwhelmed. The bouncers stand directly on the street eyeballing everyone so don’t turn up in a battered uber x or they won’t let you in. They have been quiet of late and many tables in the restaurant now have no minimum spend but don’t bother as the food and service is totally rubbish! This place can’t decide if it’s a restaurant or a club, as layout is odd but music is good ibiza deep house and plenty of bottle popping ballers here. A slightly older crowd than some other venues e.g. Valenok but worth a look. Lurk by the bar with wallet in hand and speak loudly in English to anyone who will listen if you want to pull. The girls will come to you.
Kalina Bar - Lovely large bar above Lotte Plaza with great views. Great comfortable lounge place for a romantic date as it’s quiet and has pretty good food. Apparently has some pros but I’ve never witnessed them touting. Not particularly happening or buzzy. The karaoke room is unintentionally hilarious in a way that only Russian karaoke can be.
Oblaka - Club and restaurant also above a shopping centre (hard to find the entrance) and has a strange atmosphere inside like its a converted office (which it probably is). Thursday is supposedly the big night here and the venue is seen as being high-end but in fact attracts a slightly odd and trashy crowd (not in a good way) with lots of oafish dudes with zero game and a propensity for violence. Can be virtually empty at the weekends unless there is a concert. Food is surprisingly good. You can pull here if you pick the right night i.e. when there is a famous artist singing. Some contempt for foreigners noted here but plenty of women with fake lips for you to spit game at.
Turandot - Not a club but a very impressive (and expensive) restaurant with a gaudy main room and a lovely romantic summer terrace. Take a date here and you are guaranteed to get your wallet drained but almost certainly your balls too. Seems to be top of the list of a vast numbers of Moscow girls who (wrongly) think its classy. There is a fine line between glamorous and tacky, this place veers towards the latter but pulls itself back with its fine dining credentials.
Novikov - The first Novikov restaurant and bar located on Tverskaya. Used to be a party scene on the weekends and full of pros looking for foreigners, along with other attention seeking civilians but the crowd that used to be here has now moved to Valenok leaving this place dead so avoid it.
Rose Bar - Mid range bar designed to vaguely to look like a boat (I think?!). Pretty nice food but small portions, and a smallish dance floor but some nice girls here in 20-30 age range after midnight. No face control at all but luckily the douchebags haven’t found this out yet and you will meet relatively normal girls here. Can be quiet but worth a look.
White Rabbit - By far the best all round restaurant in Moscow in my opinion. Glass ceiling, terrace, amazing views, romantic vibe and full of gorgeous women in groups as well as couples. Food is pretty good, although the chef has a mysterious tendency to find a way of incorporating buttery mashed potato into every dish. Unintended entertainment can be found by observing the awkward behaviour of beta foreign expats on dates with their cash-extracting, barely able to speak english, Russian girlfriends.
Chips -Yet another Novikov establishment in the centre with his seemingly ubiquitous rude staff. Several floors of restaurants along with large covered terrace in summer and a decent sized dance floor. Food is nice but overpriced. However the terrace seems to have been very popular this last summer which pulls in the girls and the club itself is actually pretty well laid out.
Tatler - Located in the radisson royal hotel, this is a really good venue nicely fitted out that could be great but suffers from zero promotion and is therefore dead so avoid. The food is nice so I keep returning hoping it will actually have more than 10 people inside but it never does. Shame.
Mercedes Bar - Crappy little overpriced bar on an upper floor of the radisson royal hotel. Full of business men from the hotel hoping to get laid, bored looking DJ and zero atmosphere. Avoid.
Erwin - A fairly recently opened seafood restaurant that is a big hit with the look-at-me crowd so you will see some real stunners in here so it’s a good place to go just for the view really. Only opportunity for gaming is at the bar whilst waiting for a table or whilst smoking. The staff here are incompetent and rude and the food is totally overpriced and really not that good but everyone seems to love it here and it gets booked out.
That’s it. As I said earlier, any of you guys in Moscow who wanna hang out feel free to get in touch.
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