Vincent, I've been where you are in the sense of having let go of a girl but then having her come back on 100% best behavior to open you up to her again.
My sense is she hates that you are so confident that you can a) let her go when her behaviors don't meet your expectations and b) you can implicitly see other women but she can't see other guys. I'm not going to pretend I know her psychology, but I'd bet she considers herself a smart girl - obviously conversations 'about everything' is important to her and the question that's been repeatedly asked is 'are you not providing that for her?' The smart girls are the closet feminists or have leaning about 'men and women should be equal' in some fashion. Or the inequity she perceives shouldn't be as dramatic.
'What's wrong with me wanting a beta orbiter guy friend who wants to come see me?'
'What's wrong with meeting guys who I knew from Tinder? That's how I found you, right?'
She is power tripping, finding the right moves and plays to both pull you in to get *your* compliance back (through 3 days of ms. perfect act when you dread/next-ed her) and also pushing you away testing you with behaviors / requests that you have already set an expectation about. Friendly meeting with guys is BULLSHIT and we all know it. Anything a woman in love needs, she will get from her man. She will actively push other guys away and make it clear she wants you and you alone, as others have said and I have experienced (and am experiencing).
I used to be a very 'good guy' and allowed far too much permissiveness - 'oh, you want to hang out with an ex boyfriend, or a guy you've known for ages? sure, no problem - have fun!' But my gut said it was wrong and I could feel the relationship suffer for my weakness. I hadn't created enough value, wasn't special enough in her mind and heart that she didn't see anyone else as really a viable option. Those relationships sucked and finally after probably 4 years of that shit with various women, I learned the power of IDGAF and abundance mentality and most importantly - having that frame and demonstrating it's not just an intellectual exercise.
No 7, 8, 9, whatever is worth that stress.
The dating world is very different today than in the 00s. The opportunity for temptation is 24/7/365 for a woman to push outside the expectations you've set. To a degree, I think all this dopamine surging from IM tones, seeing a new text, a new email, having a call 'with a friend' create neural pathways that affirm a mental/emotional feedback loop...
Quote:female mind Wrote:
'having lots of guy friends is good! I won't ever be alone! And hey, maybe I can make VV want me more, get him to care more. I mean, I do care about him - a lot, I think - but I don't really like knowing he's able to fuck other girls and I can't even have a guy friend I just meet for coffee and talk. I mean, that's not fair. All these guys want to spend time with me, are so nice to me. Why isn't VV doing the same? I bet... I bet I can make him care more. And in the long run, it will be better for our relationship. After all, maybe if we did stay together, would he still be having girlfriends if we got married and had kids? He can do that now, but down the road no way, that's not something I'd want. I'd be embarrassed then! But I can't force him, so I will just .. try this thing... then try that thing. I know it'll work. He won't REALLY go away.. because I got him back last time!'
As was said, effectively 'live by the sword, die by the sword.' This is why I'm giving up on online stuff and focusing on in person. It also makes screening for LTR qualities a lot easier. With online access to guys, a girl can be even more lazy than usual - just have a couple cute pics and get insane attention, no need to get cleaned up, dress nicely, go outside and be pleasant. If she's online attention whoring, even in the past, she's got reward mechanisms set up and like having a hit from a favorite drug, those cravings don't go away.
You're part of her drug rush, highs and lows included. It might not qualify as a 'toxic relationship' but by getting roped back in and her trying to set the frame through whatever hamster logic she's spinning, she is testing for how much power she has while professing her undieeeeeeing love for you. I care about you, man. I know you can see all this. This shit gets into our heads, especially once we've made a decision to end it and a girl finds the right buttons to push to rope us back in. You're not a bad guy for ending it, you're protecting yourself from a manipulative chameleon who can turn on the dazzling charm when she wants then play the 'he's just a friend' game. I wonder if she has some borderline or at least narcissistic personality disorder and you're intuitively picking up on that. How much time have you already devoted to this girl and how much anguish have you put yourself through?
Take care of YOURself, Vincent. You did the right thing before, you will do it again - and know even more clearly WHY you're doing it. So, for another girl you meet if you see this pattern show up you'll either demand she correct it or you're out. This is why the gut-level NEXT makes sense and being in the frame of willingness to walk the fuck away when a pattern of bad behavior shows up that game won't fix. The implementation of abundance mentality, but more importantly the need to be at peace with oneself.