[John Doe]

Hello,

I would like some advice from you, guys.

First a little bit about myself: I started this stuff 5 years ago (I am now 35) and I have been quite active in this for the past 4 years. I went through all the phases: the Game, Mystery, RSD, Mark Manson, Cory Skyy, etc. I did several programs and read tons of stuff, of course. I did day game in malls, etc.

Now I had a girlfriend for the past 4 years and I was seeing other girls on the side. I had up to 3 girlfriends at the same time, with the type I always wanted. So I got what I was looking for in pick-up in the first place after tons of work.

However, I realized also in the past year that the women I attracted in my life had a positive influence in my life but were also dragging me down and keeping me "captive" in a way.

So I researched and found about this dynamic between emotionnally dependent and narcisstic people. I realized all these women had a strong narcisstic side and I stopped all relationship with them. I worked also on myself to become more emotionnally self-reliant (work in progress).

So now I'm kind of starting all over with this stuff and this time I am starting from my own self and not some inflated persona of me. So it's a humbling experience and it feels like I have never did this stuff. I am now very cautious with narcisstic people in general.

The good thing is that I cleaned a lot of dark stuff inside me and now I have a much more attractive vibe, whatever my mood is. So this is a good thing.

However, I still am quite attached to "getting the flag" and bedding beautiful women, which I think is dragging me down. I still have some limiting beliefs and fears which prevent me from being completely free.

Recovering from the unhealthy patterns I learned while in "the community", I'm now trying to find a new balance. I think that there can be tons of damage from hypergamy/non-monogamy if there is a lack of honesty and integrity behind it.

At the time I did not know I was dishonest, I found reasons to think that what I was doing was ok.

Now I'm single 100% and ready to meet beautiful women from Scandinavia and Eastern Europe.

I still think it's worth it, despite all the time, money and energy that can get invested in this stuff. I still believe it's a path to self-development, if it's not at the expense of other people.

So, I'm a bit dumbfounded now, I feel like a newborn almost. I'm going to travel 7 weeks on my own from Sweden => Denmark => Germany => Poland => Holland. I'm sure I'll learn tons and grow as well. However, I already think this is quite tough to travel to foreign countries for a short amount of time and get laid.

So basically, that's where I'm at right now.

I'm reading now the ebook from this guy and will do the exercises he proposes.

If based on my story, you have any recommendation for me to get better at this stuff, let me know. I plan to date abroad for the next 2-4 years and depending if I meet the right woman for me, I'll stop.

This message is basically a way to recognize all the work I still have to do to reach the level I'd like to.

I think that I went from being brainwashed by society to being brainwashed by the community. So I went back more to society's standards due to the effects this stuff had on my reputation and my life. So now I'm being more discrete and more wise about it. I still think our sexual life is our own, however it can be frowned upon by society and people can be hurt in the process if there is a lack of honesty and compassion for women.

That was a long thread, thanks for reading it.

[DonnyGately]

You really want to self-improve? See a therapist. Figure out what you want vs what others make you want vs what the ghost in the machine wants for you.

Talking to a professional about anything and everything, totally confidential of course, has probably amped my game the last 2.5 years than anything else.

It's much easier to get what you want and be happy when you know what it is that actually makes you happy.

[John Doe]

Thanks for your honesty. Yes, right now I'm at a place right now which I could call a life crisis. I did a therapy in the past and it was very beneficial for me, so I recognize the value of it, as you do.

I was considering going back as well, because I dug stuff up which is not easy to deal on my own. I can do it, but recognizing that I could use some help is a sign of sanity, I believe.

Yes, one of the core issues is knowing what I want. This trip is also the opportunity to rethink and redesign my life.

And also I need to rest, I got burnt out and it shows in my emotional health.

I feel ok but I could feel better, I'll take care of myself. So I have a lot of my plate and this me-time is precious to deal with it and figure stuff out.

[BrewDog]

(09-13-2016 04:13 PM)Amerok Wrote:  

Now I had a girlfriend for the past 4 years and I was seeing other girls on the side. I had up to 3 girlfriends at the same time, with the type I always wanted.

So what you're saying is that you have no integrity or the ability to tell the truth to the people that love you.

You asked for our opinions, and I'm giving you mine since you solicited it.

Most of the neanderthal, Cro magnon apes in this forum will cheer your for sleeping around while you have a committed girlfriend that loves you and thinks that you're faithful to her.

But to me, that makes you a charlatan. And I can't think of many things worse than a lying, deceitful asshole that hurts the people that love him.

That doesn't make you a man. It makes you a lying piece of shit.

If you'll shit on the people that love you most, then you'll shit on anyone. You're a liar. You're a shitbag piece of human feces.

If I seem out of bounds here... you solicited our responses, and this is mine.

[John Doe]

That's not what happened. It's more complicated than that. I won't go into details. Basically, I told my girlfriend I wanted to see other girls. And she was "ok" with it.

My ex-GF was not at all the right person for me and it took me two break-ups to be able to leave her for good. Let's say it was not a good relationship for both of us but that we were strongly attracted to one another. So this period, even though rich in experiences, was a mess in terms of relationships.

And yes now I don't hide stuff and don't lie anymore. That's what I am telling: that based on the examples of guys that I met during this period in lairs I thought it was ok to sleep around if no one was hurt.

That's what I explained: I did not know I was dishonest. Yes I lied and I hid stuff, it's my past and I dealt with the guilt. I made mistakes and I moved on. I won't do it again, for sure.

And of course, being dishonest I attracted also dishonest friends and women. That period of my life is over for good now, I don't do that anymore. Now I also dropped these "friends" (some from my childhood) and am looking for trustworthy friends since I am now a trustworthy man. I also was not really able to tell who was trustworthy or not, now I am more competent at that. This period helped me realize all the false friends around me and the boundaries I did not put before, now I do it.

I agree with you, it's very important to always tell the truth and to be 100% transparent. That what I learned and that's what I do, whatever the price. Honesty is very important to me now, it took me a long time to understand what it is, the value of it and to make it a part of me.

[BrewDog]

(09-14-2016 01:25 AM)Amerok Wrote:  

Basically, I told my girlfriend I wanted to see other girls. And she was "ok" with it.

Well, I didn't know any of that. So I take it back.

[therealpoder]

Since you seem to have no problem getting dates and had three other women in rotation while seeing your main girlfriend, I think you have you found a solid strategy of getting dates and bangs.

I think you should think about what kind of relationship you want. You seemed to have wanted a lot of bangs because “the community” tends to think more is better. Instead of going with what the community wants, I think you need to consider what is best for you.

I also think you should be skeptical of some of the community’s advice. If you were to listen to a lot of the PUA books, it is like you are constantly comparing yourself to the next man. Constantly feeling inferior to one man because he slept with more women than you. Feeling the need to break up with a decent woman to get more bangs. Feeling the need to hide and sneak around on your girlfriend in order to get more bangs.

I think a lot of men start to game because they have modest goals like find a girlfriend, or lose their virginity and then, they start to compete and are seeking how to get more and more bangs.

You shouldn’t waste your time on women that aren’t right for you. If you broke up with them, or feel the need to break up with them, it’s probably because it wasn’t right or not what you are looking for at that point in time.

You seem to be more honest so that is a step in the right direction.

[John Doe]

BrewDog:
there were different periods over 4 years, some were I would be a complete "player", some grey periods and some more honest ones were I would completely tell the truth. I did my best to be as honest as I could during this period and not to hurt anybody. However, the truth is that I was more concerned with my own desires than being compassionate. I was selfish without realizing it and obsessed with "getting good with women" and reaching my dating goals at the expense of many other things. What's good is that I grew a lot from this.

therealpoder:
yes, that was also the basis for me writing this message, I was reading stuff on the boards and did feel inferior/inadequate. After having written it, I felt relieved and much better. I'm not going to feel anxious during my trip just to "get flags". I'll have a great time and if I hook up with girls, even better!

I agree with what you're saying. My goal was and still is to be intimate with very beautiful women as I realized that there is no real difference. I used to want to have 2 "wives" for the long term, with whom I would share my life. I was influenced by the community and after having experienced seeing multiple women, I'm not so sure anymore.

Now I think that people go in pair not because of society but because it's natural to bond with one person. And that is also one thing with the community: instead of telling you that maybe you have a fear of commitment. There will be tons of theories to explain why it's good to be non-monogamous.

On the long term, everyone of us will age and die. And I think it does make us better persons when we commit to other people in general. Because then we work through the issues and accept that other people are not perfect as we are not.

It's like the "weird" idea that women would tend to fall in love when you have sex with them. The community could consider it as weird. Actually, it's perfectly normal. The idea that sex is just a thing like drinking or eating is not true in my experience. Sex is a powerful emotional experience and it's normal that the women we share it with tend to get attached. And I'm not even talking about the biological aspects of it. So we have to be conscious of this powerful effect on us and them.

Also the idea that you are the average of the 5 people around you so it's important to choose them well. I do think it's the other way around. The people around you are the reflection of you. If we're not happy with them, consider that maybe we are the one to change and not dump them right away.

Well, I'm disgressing. About your message: the kind of women and people we will meet when doing pick-up from a place of inadequacy and inferiority is also not talked about. Then we could end up with insecure girlfriends and dishonest friends.

Anyway, thanks for your message, I agree with you and that's what I'm looking for now: to meet beautiful AND great women. No more broken, emotionnally unstable, daddy-issued or crazy women for me, no thanks! I'll pass. Now I think that maybe the best women in terms of personality are not to be met in bars and clubs.