I'll try to keep this as short as possible though this could get long. I'm early 30's, grew up in the most improverished region of my country with my family status switching from working class to middle class and unemployment. I was heavily bullied in my teens to the degree where I started to avoid going out for walks in my village out of fear of seeing my old 'friends' (bullies) and still have nightmares of it 15 years later. I was institutionalized in a psychiatric facility twice in my teens and the drugs threw my hormones out of whack, causing me to develop breasts and it took ten years for me to get exhaustive surgery on it. Despite the all the hardships I was also coddled in a way; being medicalized and underestimated saved me from some trouble as I had grounds for disability benefit, which was constantly renewed. This could have been a curse as well as a blessing as the lack of any employment opportunities being thrown in my way effectively encouraged the lifestyle of an incel nerd hermit stuck to the computer and I have passed entire years of my late teens and early 20's with no single recollection of what happened as the months and years just blurred into one another.
My first foray into the outside world was volunteering in my early 20's in a youth work setting organized by the local congregation. Looking back I could have developed a lot faster if my social skills had been a lot better (aspergers) because I received blatant IOI's from girls who had their hearts in the right place and I even had some barely legal ones nearly throwing themselves at me. As I approached my mid 20's, my family started to give me some more leash, with me still living with them, and I moved away to attend a community college for a year. This too me to yet another town, where I took a shot at multiple forms of education, always discouraged by either the staff of the school or just grew disillusioned with the atmosphere and alleged lack of employment opportunities; usually a combination of both (I lacked practical hands-on skill and never clicked with the rest of the people who would be my colleagues). I was also limited by the job and educational opportunities of the town I landed in; my medical history had the upside of helping me get a decent apartment from a logistically excellent location with the rent being highly favourable. Given my vulnerable financial situation I did not dare to risk it and move away to attend a proper university, which would also distance me from my family even further. The option of moving back to their impoverished hick town was on the table anymore.
Fast forward to the present, I'm about half way into a vocational degree closely related to nursing and household work. My family (at the present my only real source of feedback) found the choice to be absurd but at the time I felt a dearth of options and could not take the stigma of being seen as a shiftless reject so I tried to see the opportunity in the best light possible (as I have done before with some failed projects). I had better days and worse days but my grades were coming out mediocre despite the lack of intellectual challenge (perhaps that was it), the atmosphere was quite anti-intellectual and a lot of the fellow students seemed set for failure for life to an extent I've never witnessed (obese, unkempt, cognitive challenges). While there was no shortage of adult students, the underaged ones are the majority and I do feel out of place in the sense that I feel protective of them instead of one of the boys and this rubs me wrong given my relatively mature age. Seeing myself as working as the equal of these kids instead of coordinating their activities seemed perverse. The take home fact here is that it's not that I did not like kids; it's just that my role was misadjusted. The menial tasks did often have me watching the clock in anguish; hoping to be released.
Almost a year ago, in a related way, I started looking into youth and community work on a professional level, having already volunteered in it and had multiple volunteer certificates under my belt, and have been studying it in open uni alongside my vocational degree. It has now got to the point where I know I could tough it out and get the vocational degree but if I do, it might be the last one I'll ever be financially able to do in a long time and the authorities would go by my degree and possibly force me to take on jobs that would drive me to the sauce and drain me of energy completely (repetitive physical jobs as a guy who had his thyroid radiated to death and has multiple herniated discs, slightly worn out knees) which is why I'm faced with tough choices and knowing my past disappointments and age, the one and only person holding a frank opinion of my abilities has stated in no obscure terms that whatever it is that I will take on the next, it must be a solid choice; there's no more room for poor choices and mishaps. If I can get the financial backing working, I'll be done with the respectable degree in three years max (possibly more like two) and be formally competent to take on a form of employment I might see myself as enjoying and where there would be plenty of room for advancement and promotion over the years. Whether I'll ever find even suboptimal employment that way still remains to be seen; for all I know age discrimination will already be a factor as well as my scant work history but any time spent on lamenting that is time needlessly lost. I'm in the process of gently letting go of my vocational studies in order to pursue the higher ones with single minded ferocity; a part of me mourns the cessation of yet another task but I do also feel a massive sense of relief pouring over me as I contemplate the freedom this gives me for the time being as I do still have a passive source of income and I'm able to network and volunteer on the side in projects more or less related to my pressing career aspirations.
I'm just glad I did not simply entirely piss away my youth like the above text might have you believe. I'm in better shape than the average guy still, look much younger, functional in ten languages, have decent general knowledge and exposure to sports and cultural activities that could come handy as a youth worker (some suggested a career path as a priest but I'm not into religion) and my social awkwardness is slowly morphing into something smoother.
I feel that I really do need to believe in the usefulness of my new project as I've spent years waking up in the morning wondering who I am and what I'm set for, trying to force myself to take an interest in a field only to be discouraged and have violent mood swings about it; constantly suffering low self-esteem due to the feeling of not belonging and not contributing to the larger society like I would like. For once I'd like to have that calm of mind, have an objective observer place their palm on my shoulder and tell me that they think I'm heading in the right direction for me, that they appreciate the effort and tenacity I've displayed, and those who can appreciate my talents and contributions. For all these years I've never really had a shoulder to weep on or the opportunity to sit down and rant my heart out over a beer only to have someone make me feel relieved, validated and clear headed. Each day I've gone about my way eager for an excuse to just break down and let it out but I've remained stoic in the face of this adversity.
My first foray into the outside world was volunteering in my early 20's in a youth work setting organized by the local congregation. Looking back I could have developed a lot faster if my social skills had been a lot better (aspergers) because I received blatant IOI's from girls who had their hearts in the right place and I even had some barely legal ones nearly throwing themselves at me. As I approached my mid 20's, my family started to give me some more leash, with me still living with them, and I moved away to attend a community college for a year. This too me to yet another town, where I took a shot at multiple forms of education, always discouraged by either the staff of the school or just grew disillusioned with the atmosphere and alleged lack of employment opportunities; usually a combination of both (I lacked practical hands-on skill and never clicked with the rest of the people who would be my colleagues). I was also limited by the job and educational opportunities of the town I landed in; my medical history had the upside of helping me get a decent apartment from a logistically excellent location with the rent being highly favourable. Given my vulnerable financial situation I did not dare to risk it and move away to attend a proper university, which would also distance me from my family even further. The option of moving back to their impoverished hick town was on the table anymore.
Fast forward to the present, I'm about half way into a vocational degree closely related to nursing and household work. My family (at the present my only real source of feedback) found the choice to be absurd but at the time I felt a dearth of options and could not take the stigma of being seen as a shiftless reject so I tried to see the opportunity in the best light possible (as I have done before with some failed projects). I had better days and worse days but my grades were coming out mediocre despite the lack of intellectual challenge (perhaps that was it), the atmosphere was quite anti-intellectual and a lot of the fellow students seemed set for failure for life to an extent I've never witnessed (obese, unkempt, cognitive challenges). While there was no shortage of adult students, the underaged ones are the majority and I do feel out of place in the sense that I feel protective of them instead of one of the boys and this rubs me wrong given my relatively mature age. Seeing myself as working as the equal of these kids instead of coordinating their activities seemed perverse. The take home fact here is that it's not that I did not like kids; it's just that my role was misadjusted. The menial tasks did often have me watching the clock in anguish; hoping to be released.
Almost a year ago, in a related way, I started looking into youth and community work on a professional level, having already volunteered in it and had multiple volunteer certificates under my belt, and have been studying it in open uni alongside my vocational degree. It has now got to the point where I know I could tough it out and get the vocational degree but if I do, it might be the last one I'll ever be financially able to do in a long time and the authorities would go by my degree and possibly force me to take on jobs that would drive me to the sauce and drain me of energy completely (repetitive physical jobs as a guy who had his thyroid radiated to death and has multiple herniated discs, slightly worn out knees) which is why I'm faced with tough choices and knowing my past disappointments and age, the one and only person holding a frank opinion of my abilities has stated in no obscure terms that whatever it is that I will take on the next, it must be a solid choice; there's no more room for poor choices and mishaps. If I can get the financial backing working, I'll be done with the respectable degree in three years max (possibly more like two) and be formally competent to take on a form of employment I might see myself as enjoying and where there would be plenty of room for advancement and promotion over the years. Whether I'll ever find even suboptimal employment that way still remains to be seen; for all I know age discrimination will already be a factor as well as my scant work history but any time spent on lamenting that is time needlessly lost. I'm in the process of gently letting go of my vocational studies in order to pursue the higher ones with single minded ferocity; a part of me mourns the cessation of yet another task but I do also feel a massive sense of relief pouring over me as I contemplate the freedom this gives me for the time being as I do still have a passive source of income and I'm able to network and volunteer on the side in projects more or less related to my pressing career aspirations.
I'm just glad I did not simply entirely piss away my youth like the above text might have you believe. I'm in better shape than the average guy still, look much younger, functional in ten languages, have decent general knowledge and exposure to sports and cultural activities that could come handy as a youth worker (some suggested a career path as a priest but I'm not into religion) and my social awkwardness is slowly morphing into something smoother.
I feel that I really do need to believe in the usefulness of my new project as I've spent years waking up in the morning wondering who I am and what I'm set for, trying to force myself to take an interest in a field only to be discouraged and have violent mood swings about it; constantly suffering low self-esteem due to the feeling of not belonging and not contributing to the larger society like I would like. For once I'd like to have that calm of mind, have an objective observer place their palm on my shoulder and tell me that they think I'm heading in the right direction for me, that they appreciate the effort and tenacity I've displayed, and those who can appreciate my talents and contributions. For all these years I've never really had a shoulder to weep on or the opportunity to sit down and rant my heart out over a beer only to have someone make me feel relieved, validated and clear headed. Each day I've gone about my way eager for an excuse to just break down and let it out but I've remained stoic in the face of this adversity.
