Older mothers and disabled children
03-12-2013, 03:32 PM
A couple of women I've been with over the years have disabled kids, and a couple of other women that were high school and college classmates do also. They all have varying degrees of disabilities. A married chick I was seeing in the LA area for years has a daughter with Down's. She's her oldest kid, and had her in her early 20s. She's high-functioning, and went to a program in a regular high school that had her interact with regular kids. She was on the cheerleading squad also. I believe her mom said the state pays for a couple of years of post-high school education, but she wasn't comfortable sending her to a program at a community college because she would have to take 3 buses to get there, and one of the issues with Down's is that they can become easily confused. She actually knew the child she was carrying had Down's, and they made the decision that they would have her and treat her like any other child as much as they could. They forbid the words stupid, retard, etc. to be spoken in the house, and encouraged her to stretch herself as much as possible. Though she's high functioning, it's doubtful that she'll ever be independent, and she's in her early 20s now. She had two healthy sons after her daughter.
Another chick, a Brazilian in London that I hit, has a severely disabled daughter (her youngest of 3 daughters. The oldest is SMOKIN' but the middle daughter is a fattie) that she had when she was probably in her mid-to-late 20s. She's what I guess you'd picture in your mind's eye when someone thinks of a developmentally disabled person - she has poor coordination, though she walks. Her eyes appear to be looking in different directions. She doesn't speak, and wears a diaper. She has to spend some days overnight in a "home," where she's taught sign language, and they have them do exercises for coordination, drawing pictures and things of that nature. I've actually spent a little time with her, and I know her mom was a little afraid/embarrassed. I told her it was okay, and if I was going to be coming to visit, I needed her to know who I was. Her way of getting to know me was to touch my face, and attempt to sign something to me. She too is now in her early 20s.
My high school squeeze has two sons, and the oldest is autistic (she thinks the younger has a touch of Asperger's). A college classmate had fraternal twins, a boy and a girl, and the boy was severely disabled. They didn't know until after the kids were born - the girl just seemed to be progressing far more quickly than the boy. The boy didn't walk when he should have, was in diapers far too long, didn't cry when babies should cry, etc. A couple of years ago they had to take him to a facility because they simply couldn't handle his behavior, and needed professionals to assess and try to come up with some solutions. He wasn't there permanently, but she was heartbroken with guilt. The stress of having a special-needs kid, and having a less-than-perfect son wore on the father more than her I think. He didn't REALLY want kids at all (he's also a college classmate. They met their freshman year and were together throughout), and was even hesitant to marry, but went through with it anyway. Having a special needs kid was the straw that broke the back.
I think the thing we don't think about, and can't really think about unless you're the parent of or close to someone with a disability is that it's for your lifetime. For a normal kid, you know in 18 to 20-something years you'll be rid of them, and in their teens for the most part they'll be somewhat independent. For disabled kids, you'll have to care for them for your whole life. They're never going to be independent. As you get older, you live with the worry about what will happen to them when you're gone. Then, will a sibling have to sacrifice their lives to care for them?
So yeah, it's a decision that some people make. First, to have amnio or whatever other tests there are to see if the fetus is healthy, and once you know the fetus isn't, to make the decision to terminate or carry to term. It isn't about being PC either - no matter how hard we think we all are, some sensitivity is required. Calling them "freaks" isn't about being PC.
"The best kind of pride is that which compels a man to do his best when no one is watching."