[aphelion]

I apologize in advance for my uninspired and insipid writing. I am merely recording a sad day in my life for the great unwashed masses, and I cannot bear the additional burden of writing too artfully; I am exhausted and worn thin.

Yeah, okay, I saw the signs. Yellow 'reply rate' on OkCupid (my theory is that it correlates directly with BMI, with green being the lumbering shoggoths of the dating scene, and the red ones edging ever gamefully into fuckability). One single picture - her face looked sorta thin, but you couldn't quite see her frame well, loose pullover. Well thought out profile. I knew better.

Her profile was funny and she seemed nice though, but the warning signs kept creeping up as the week went on - she was very reliable with texts, had a job, and she got to the bar first. (I should have cut and run right when I got THAT text message.)

I'll spare the rough physical details, but in her case, 'average' frame meant average for a door frame. I couldn't make eye contact for the first 5 minutes of sitting across from her.

I was disgusted with myself for falling into the trap. I turned off player mode and speechified about evo psych (one of the things that interests me besides my FUCKING BAND AND MY ALBUM RELEASE PARTY THE DAY BEFORE). I made sure to drop a few daggers in about 'hourglass figures' and mate fitness and whatnot, but as far as I was concerned the date was over the instant I pulled the curtain at the booth over to reveal a sleeping bear. I had no interest in doing anything, except possibly seeing the rationalization hamster at work in front of me - but that might be rationalization of my own since if I'd have had my balls with me...

She ordered two whiskeys (one at a time) and played with her hair, trying too hard to be interesting and funny and whatnot. Which meant I made the grand bitch poobah mistake of sticking around too long to 'just be nice'. Which wasn't nice to me and it wasn't nice to her since maybe she could have gone home and done something interesting with the rest of her evening (or just stuffed her face with Ben and Jerry's.. but I digress).

I asked her how her online dating experience had been so far. She talked about all the boring Microsoft guys she'd been dating, with guys calling her and whatnot, and she just couldn't get into them. I stifled my horror - these good men, taxpayers, pillars of society - reduced to supplicating themselves to such a she-hulk? I was aghast - not for her temerity, as brazen as it was, but for the fallen state of man around us.

The tab came to $26.12. From now on, whenever I go on a date, I will write $26.12 on my wrist, and keep it with me as a reminder of my folly, to ditch when necessary to save one's pride, and to never again finance the endemic fattening of the American woman by subsidizing her alcohol. I may have possibly brutalized her ego a bit, but I take no true joy in that.

God help me if I fail again.

[Kona]

Settled In Fulled?

What's SIF'd?

Aloha!

[aphelion]

Secret Internet Fattie'd.

[Vicious]

The first 30 sec are crucial. You need to state right away that she has been completely dishonest and that you will not stand for it. Walk away.

[assman]

I've been duped like this before. Fat chick had the nerve to say she was a triathlete! I cut and run before we finished the first drink.

Signs an online girl is fat:
1. she only has face pics - girls with good bodies aren't afraid to show them
2. all her pics are taken with the camera above her head (i.e., angled down) - this hides the double chin, and the big titties hide the gut
3. she says she is not a size 0 - fat bitches pretend that there is only size 0 and size 18, nothing in between
4. she is <25 and claims she's not into the club scene - bouncers won't let her in
5. she is <35 and claims she's not into the bar scene - guys ignore her until last call

other signs?

[Tuthmosis]

I've gotten SIF'd a couple of times. In both cases I spent $5 on her beer and practiced some avant-garde game for 90-120 minutes. I took the better-looking of the two (a once-hot redhead who used old pictures on her profile) back to my place. I went for the bang anyway, since fuck-it, and she was kind of borderline. I'm not proud of this momentary enabling behavior. I got the sense that she saw the writing on the wall: that I was going for the pump-and-dump. I got the ball pretty fall up-field, but she stopped short of penetration. She pretty much promised me sex if/when we hang out again. Needless to say, I never contacted her again.

I have a long list of subtle signs that I'm likely dealing with a SIF. Apart from the ones mentioned, these are some of the clearer, obvious ones (at least on OKC):

Signs You're Likely Dealing with a Secret Internet Fatty (OKC Edition):

1. Fewer than three pictures.

2. Close-ups of her face (because she knows her face is still cute) make up most, or all, of her picture selections. [IMPORTANT]

   

3. Anything other than "thin" or "skinny" as body-type descriptions. Even "athletic" can be deceptive, since you see these chunky or boxy runners and so-called triathletes. Then, there are the chicks who go the gym once a month, but have a huge Starbucks milkshake and hamburger right after. "Average" is almost invariably fat. "Curvy"? Forget about it.

(This is the above girl's self-description)
   

4. Mentions her tits as the "things people notice first" or otherwise emphasizes her tits (i.e., in her pictures). A big proportion of fat girls think they have legitimate big tits.

   

5. MySpace angles. Anything above eye-level, even a few degrees, can diminish or conceal size.

6. Any kind of cropping that omits the arms or the area immediately below the tits. The arms are one of the best tell-tale signs in the universe.

(This is the same girl as above, under #2)
   

7. Apparently wild swings in body shape and size in her pictures (suggests use of old pictures to confuse).

8. The shoulder. The area near and around the shoulder speaks to the size of the back and overall fatness. Check there ALWAYS.

9. Clear over-emphasis of one body part (tits, ass, legs), to the exclusion of others (another distraction technique).

10. Pictured with ugly or fat friends only (cute girls have cute friends, always).

11. Pictured with food or at a restaurant. I'm not kidding; this happens often. So many of their pictures include food because they're often eating, and that's the only social activity they know.

   

   

[Screwston]

LMAO at pictures of them eating. Players, just ask for a body shot before the meet up. Only fat and chubby cows will have a problem sending one.

[Kish]

I've only been SIF'd once. She had one pic that showed the majority of her body but it must have been from years ago. I was stunned...she was only 24 too. Damn..these chics pack on the pounds fast.

And to top it off she had a mannish/ball busting personality. I ended the date with a hand wave and said... "See you around". Never contacted her again.

(06-22-2012 12:42 PM)Tuthmosis Wrote:  

11. Pictured with food or at a restaurant. I'm not kidding; this happens often. So many of their pictures include food because they're often eating, and that's the only social activity they know.

[aphelion]

God bless you Tuthmosis. You bring wisdom.

[Parlay44]

Fat girls give the best head ...that's what I've heard anyway

Dude I know you got duped and all but in reality who cares? Were you trolling OKC looking for an LTR?
Unless she was a truly disgusting beast or had some funky stank to her you shoulda brought her back
to your place and hit it or at least get her to blow you.

She must have been at least a 6 in her pics for you to meet her for drinks right?
I'm not telling you to purposely chase fat girls but take the easy pussy if it's offered to you.
Nobody will know that you fucked a girl off OKC.

Being a player is about consistently getting your nut off ...not getting into a LTR.

And Tuth ...I think we need a Secret Internet Fatty Barometer thread. Pics with food should be #1
on that list

[assman]

(06-22-2012 03:15 PM)Parlay44 Wrote:  

I'm not telling you to purposely chase fat girls but take the easy pussy if it's offered to you.
Nobody will know that you fucked a girl off OKC.

Given Tuthmosis' pic gathering ability, I wouldn't be too sure of that. He just might find a still image from a security cam showing you leaving the bar clutching a walrus' fat flipper.

[el mechanico]

I'm pretty sure I'm going to get secret internet fattied tonight. I'm playing a three date pic the best or whoever doesn't flake night based in Tampa at a hotel room and set the meetings at the casino. If I get stuck with the sif and can't pull anything else she gets it for sure. I lined the possible sif up for late so I will be wasted.

[Timoteo]

In some of those myspace angle pics, part of her arm will be visible (the arm that's extending the camera out is sometimes in the pic). I always look at that. Even though it's extended, it will still reveal what kind of shape she's in. Bitches be crafty.

I'm always wary of chicks that only have a couple of pics posted, or a ton of the same shot (mostly those face pics taken from her webcam). Chicks that are proud of their figures will show it. Hell, there are some chicks that show their bodies with pride when they probably shouldn't, but always be on the lookout for those that are hiding their bodies.

[Fathom]

(06-22-2012 03:15 PM)Parlay44 Wrote:  

Fat girls give the best head ...that's what I've heard anyway

They're grateful to get any goo bazooka at all, so they suck like Hoovers. I used to get polish jobs from fat chicks way back. Flat out refused to mount or go down on this one bitch even after she had finished sucking me off and another I fed all autumn long. There was another chick who wasn't fat at all but I didn't find her physically attractive, so I trained her into an oral receptacle and deposited daily in her gullet for four months straight, sometimes thrice in a day, all while crashing at her place rent free and having her do my laundry and cook every day. That was a different summer. I should have a calendar. Fathom's Summer Suckers.

I got SIF'd once, before dating sites became prevalent. Don't suppose anyone remembers party lines. She decked herself out in heels for it, too. I sat with her at a cafe, chatted her up like the nerdy friend you'll never fuck, then left.

Haven't thought about any of these bitches in years. Today I don't do that any more. It invariably brings down your self-esteem. If a chick doesn't turn me on, I'd rather flip the bishop.

[snoop]

When this happens why don't you just start doing shit that will repel her?

Immediately tell her you are poor and need her to pick up the tab. Ask to borrow money later.

At one point go silent and seem slightly upset, when she asks what is wrong tell her you were thinking about this guy you accidentally killed a few years prior.

Ask her if she knows where to score any coke. When she says no, say "good, I was hoping you were past that and more into meth too"

Finish it off by saying you've gotta leave early to attend your living with Herpes meeting.

[el mechanico]

What if you're collecting flags and you get SIF'd? Go for it? Neil? Roosh? Naughty?

[SVK]

[Parlay44]

Funny video. She's a 6-7. I'd hit it. Guy is a total herb and badly in need of this forum.

[Divorco]

(06-22-2012 03:22 AM)aphelion Wrote:  

'average' frame meant average for a door frame.

I stifled my horror - these good men, taxpayers, pillars of society - reduced to supplicating themselves to such a she-hulk? I was aghast - not for her temerity, as brazen as it was, but for the fallen state of man around us.

Great writing, but familiar. Do you have another handle too?

Look at her hobbies and activities. If they are all sedentary (reading, movies, baking, dining) then you are in trouble. Average girls at least claim to hike and bike, and moderately athletic ones claim to be triathletes and ultramarathoners.

[DirkJohanson]

(06-22-2012 12:42 PM)Tuthmosis Wrote:  

I've gotten SIF'd a couple of times.

...
3. Anything other than "thin" or "skinny" as body-type descriptions. Even "athletic" can be deceptive, since you see these chunky or boxy runners and so-called triathletes. Then, there are the chicks who go the gym once a month, but have a huge Starbucks milkshake and hamburger right after. "Average" is almost invariably fat. "Curvy"? Forget about it.

"Athletic" or "average" is OK if they are under 24 years old.

[DirkJohanson]

The worst SIF I ever had, the chick got to the Japanese restaurant before me and sat at one of those tables practically on the floor, so I couldn't really even tell how fat she was until the meal was over.

[aphelion]

(06-23-2012 04:33 PM)Divorco Wrote:  

(06-22-2012 03:22 AM)aphelion Wrote:  

'average' frame meant average for a door frame.

I stifled my horror - these good men, taxpayers, pillars of society - reduced to supplicating themselves to such a she-hulk? I was aghast - not for her temerity, as brazen as it was, but for the fallen state of man around us.

Great writing, but familiar. Do you have another handle too?

Look at her hobbies and activities. If they are all sedentary (reading, movies, baking, dining) then you are in trouble. Average girls at least claim to hike and bike, and moderately athletic ones claim to be triathletes and ultramarathoners.

I'm a huge fan of Heartiste, but I don't blog or anything and I don't post much anywhere. I shot from the hip on this one without giving it much review, but I'm actually an excellent writer when I put some effort into it. Thank you for your compliments.

I went back and looked at her profile again just now. Upon further review, I believe that I had legitimate complaint. I definitely should have hit the eject button much earlier than I should have. I burn with shame.

[Divorco]

(06-23-2012 07:37 PM)aphelion Wrote:  

I burn with shame.

Maybe this will distract you. Summary: Fat chick messages handsome guy, admits she lied about weight, drunk-texts him, and is shocked to get pumped and dumped. She embarrasses herself all over Reddit.

Hilarious Clueless Fat OKCupid Liar

[BurnFirst]

Damn I don't even necessarily pay for a cute girls drinks.

[assman]

(06-22-2012 08:17 PM)Parlay44 Wrote:  

Funny video. She's a 6-7. I'd hit it. Guy is a total herb and badly in need of this forum.

Lots of comments to the video deny that she is fat.

Society's fat acceptance is getting us nowhere.