4 things you didn't know about Britain
05-19-2014, 12:59 AM
Wanna' try and focus on the difference between Brit guys and American guys.
I have never had any buddies from America - so y'all still be a bit of a mystery to me.
But here are some things about Brit guys which are probably different to y'all Americans. I would be interested to know if other Brits feel I am on the right track?
1) Nobody cares about politics in the UK. Everybody hates all politicians equally since they remind us of the annoying twat in school who always asked the teacher for extra homework.
2) Nobody cares about religion in the UK - we don't do God. Even the priests and vicars in the UK have a hard time convincing themselves they believe what they do.
3) In England - nobody cares about the country. We have zero patriotism to our own country. The UN could take over the running of our country tomorrow and people wouldn't give a shit. Patriotism is a bit too close to politics - and we don't care about either.
4) Except when it comes to soccer. That we do care about. But only if England does really well - if they do not, we go back to hating them for representing everything that is shit about celebrity culture and the media in the UK. We also hate them because we enjoy hating things. And the national team know this - which is why they know playing for England is a 'no win' situation. They are the sacrificial lambs which we get to slaughter in a giant hate-fest every time we fail at a major tournament. Secretly we love it when we do badly - since we get more enjoyment from moaning than we do from winning.
5) Every guy in the UK thinks he is secretly smarter than every other guy in the UK. As such - if you think you have convinced him you are right about something - it just means he agreeing so that you shut up and can stop making an idiot of yourself.
6) Every guy in the UK thinks he is hilarious. Which is why our greatest contribution to world comedy is 'The Office' - where the star of the show is an idiot - who thinks he is popular and hilarious.
7) Too prove how much we hate politics I should add that Tony Blair is now the most unpopular person in the country. Despite winning three elections and being incredibly popular in 1997. Tony Blair is unpopular because people are embarrassed that they actually were inspired by a politician and actually believed in politics at the time of his election. As such - we now have the same scorn for him as you do for the shitty band you loved when you were 11.
8) Don't believe people who say Tony Blair is only unpopular because of the Iraq war. The majority of the UK was in favour of the Iraq war.
Irregardless of 'weapons of mass destruction' - since we are so brainwashed about WWII that we feel all evil dictators should be removed from power at all costs. And remember as well - that Tony Blair was re-elected in 2005 - long after it was clear no WMD would be found in Iraq.
Yet today - the majority of people want Tony Blair hanged for 'war crimes'. If we could think of a plausible reason we would want all politicians hanged for one reason or another.
9) Brit guys are now very PC. It is just we don't take an interest in politics and as such easily follow what the politicians at the top want us to believe. Since to be passionate about politics is the sign of a weirdo in the UK. As such - we genuinely don't care about gay marriage. And are against capital punishment and are against guns. Not because we care either way - but because it takes less effort to just agree with the status quo.
10) People in the UK think immigration in the UK is a big problem. But since we don't care about our country. We don't actually care that much about the subject of immigration. People look at our country like a run down old car and just hope it will last a few more years - until we are dead and the car becomes somebody else's problem.
Also people don't discuss the issue much in any case. Since to be mistaken for a racist in the UK carries as big a stigma as being mistaken for a paedophile. People will actually cry and start rolling on the floor in "shock" if they think you just said something that could be construed as racist.
11) The only thing people are more scared of than being thought racist is being though a paedophile. So never mention to a Brit that the age of consent varies throughout the world. British guys genuinely believe the age of consent is 16 everywhere else in the world.
12) People in the UK are a bit concerned about how much they masturbate to internet porn - and try and cover up for that by pretending to be uninterested in sex when the subject arises in conversation or in the media. As such a lot of feminist bullshit goes unchallenged and a lot of guys nod sagely to whatever feminist agitprop is being promoted.
13) People in Britain are convinced we are the ugliest people in the world. This is the thought that always pops up in our head as we are in town shopping.
Something to do with our shitty food, shitty weather, shitty teeth, shitty faces, and lack of concern for clothes. Along with the huge number of old people. Added to which we are an island nation in which everyone looks the same as everyone else - with no real genetic diversity.
As such their is very little sex in the nation's bedrooms. In half the cases it is because the guy thinks his wife is ugly. And in the other half of cases it is because the wife secretly thinks she is ugly.
We are the nation that invented Viagra...
14) We have low energy as a nation. As such - it is not out of rudeness that we don't care about strangers. But out of a general sense of stress at being able to get to the end of the day in one peace and with as little hassle as possible.
15) As a nation we have being there and done that. For a thousand years now. And we are so bored of it all - that none of us can even be bothered to study our own history. The best way to sum up the psychology of our country is this.
Imagine an airport lounge with 60 million people. That is the UK.
16) England, Britain or the UK. Who cares? We don't. Most Brits can't be bothered to remember what the different terms mean.
17) Nobody believes anything in the newspapers over here. They only exist so that people have something to read during their lunch breaks - and so that they have something to talk about in the office at work. A lot of people mistake reading things aloud from the paper for having a personality.
18) Respect for the rule of law is a big thing in the UK. Not out of any sense of fairness or decency - but because we love seeing other people get into trouble. Which is why politicians have to go to prison in this country for pocketing a few thousand pounds in incorrect expenses claims.
19) Nobody gives a shit about newspapers over here. As such the newspapers have a free reign to bully which ever politician or celebrity they want whenever they have committed the smallest wrong doing.
20) Everyone in the UK hates strangers. And everyone in the UK secretly hates most of their 'friends'. And they are secretly jealous of the ones they most like. Jealously and hatred and backstabbing make up most of our waking thoughts. To the point that we are not even aware of it. We are the nation that gave the world reality TV, The Weakest Link, The X Factor, Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan. Spot the pattern yet?
21) Since British people are scared of offending people. We are incredibly polite to others. This is especially the case with Americans who we are convinced lead much more interesting lives than we do. And who come from a cooler country than we do. Even if we like to think we are smarter than them. We only think that because everybody in the UK thinks they are smarter than literally everybody else in the UK.
Sometimes I explain to people - that by definition - half the country has below average intelligence. And the other half has above average intelligence.
They always look confused when I explain this to them.
I then tell them that if they are struggling to understand what I just said then it is clear which half they belong to.
The really dumb ones can't even follow that.
For some reason - people in the UK don't like weird ideas or new ways of thinking about things. I think it is because they want their presumed intellectual superiority to go forever unchallenged.
22) No matter how much Scotland complains - they will never leave the UK. And no matter how much England complains - they will never leave the EU. And no matter how much the Irish complain - the rest of the UK still wishes they were Irish. And no matter how much Wales complains - everybody else will still be happy they are not Welsh.
Also - nobody in England gives a fuck about Northern Ireland. Keep it or get rid of it. We don't care either way. We didn't even care about the bombings either - since people in the UK are so bored in their day to day life - that the occasional bomb at least livened up the news a bit.
23) People pretend they support the military in the UK. But they they secretly think that everyone in the military is a working class idiot with no qualifications who couldn't get a better job. To cover up for this hypocrisy we sometimes get bullied by the newspapers into pretending we care more about the armed forces than we really do.
24) Please come to our country or consider moving here. The only money in the UK comes from selling each other houses or from ripping off tourists.
So the more the merrier.
We are all secretly amazed that tourists care about our history and royal family. Since we don't give a shit about them.
And we are equally amazed at how friendly Americans seem to be.
The only good thing about the UK is our music and our comedy.
I have never had any buddies from America - so y'all still be a bit of a mystery to me.
But here are some things about Brit guys which are probably different to y'all Americans. I would be interested to know if other Brits feel I am on the right track?
1) Nobody cares about politics in the UK. Everybody hates all politicians equally since they remind us of the annoying twat in school who always asked the teacher for extra homework.
2) Nobody cares about religion in the UK - we don't do God. Even the priests and vicars in the UK have a hard time convincing themselves they believe what they do.
3) In England - nobody cares about the country. We have zero patriotism to our own country. The UN could take over the running of our country tomorrow and people wouldn't give a shit. Patriotism is a bit too close to politics - and we don't care about either.
4) Except when it comes to soccer. That we do care about. But only if England does really well - if they do not, we go back to hating them for representing everything that is shit about celebrity culture and the media in the UK. We also hate them because we enjoy hating things. And the national team know this - which is why they know playing for England is a 'no win' situation. They are the sacrificial lambs which we get to slaughter in a giant hate-fest every time we fail at a major tournament. Secretly we love it when we do badly - since we get more enjoyment from moaning than we do from winning.
5) Every guy in the UK thinks he is secretly smarter than every other guy in the UK. As such - if you think you have convinced him you are right about something - it just means he agreeing so that you shut up and can stop making an idiot of yourself.
6) Every guy in the UK thinks he is hilarious. Which is why our greatest contribution to world comedy is 'The Office' - where the star of the show is an idiot - who thinks he is popular and hilarious.
7) Too prove how much we hate politics I should add that Tony Blair is now the most unpopular person in the country. Despite winning three elections and being incredibly popular in 1997. Tony Blair is unpopular because people are embarrassed that they actually were inspired by a politician and actually believed in politics at the time of his election. As such - we now have the same scorn for him as you do for the shitty band you loved when you were 11.
8) Don't believe people who say Tony Blair is only unpopular because of the Iraq war. The majority of the UK was in favour of the Iraq war.
Irregardless of 'weapons of mass destruction' - since we are so brainwashed about WWII that we feel all evil dictators should be removed from power at all costs. And remember as well - that Tony Blair was re-elected in 2005 - long after it was clear no WMD would be found in Iraq.
Yet today - the majority of people want Tony Blair hanged for 'war crimes'. If we could think of a plausible reason we would want all politicians hanged for one reason or another.
9) Brit guys are now very PC. It is just we don't take an interest in politics and as such easily follow what the politicians at the top want us to believe. Since to be passionate about politics is the sign of a weirdo in the UK. As such - we genuinely don't care about gay marriage. And are against capital punishment and are against guns. Not because we care either way - but because it takes less effort to just agree with the status quo.
10) People in the UK think immigration in the UK is a big problem. But since we don't care about our country. We don't actually care that much about the subject of immigration. People look at our country like a run down old car and just hope it will last a few more years - until we are dead and the car becomes somebody else's problem.
Also people don't discuss the issue much in any case. Since to be mistaken for a racist in the UK carries as big a stigma as being mistaken for a paedophile. People will actually cry and start rolling on the floor in "shock" if they think you just said something that could be construed as racist.
11) The only thing people are more scared of than being thought racist is being though a paedophile. So never mention to a Brit that the age of consent varies throughout the world. British guys genuinely believe the age of consent is 16 everywhere else in the world.
12) People in the UK are a bit concerned about how much they masturbate to internet porn - and try and cover up for that by pretending to be uninterested in sex when the subject arises in conversation or in the media. As such a lot of feminist bullshit goes unchallenged and a lot of guys nod sagely to whatever feminist agitprop is being promoted.
13) People in Britain are convinced we are the ugliest people in the world. This is the thought that always pops up in our head as we are in town shopping.
Something to do with our shitty food, shitty weather, shitty teeth, shitty faces, and lack of concern for clothes. Along with the huge number of old people. Added to which we are an island nation in which everyone looks the same as everyone else - with no real genetic diversity.
As such their is very little sex in the nation's bedrooms. In half the cases it is because the guy thinks his wife is ugly. And in the other half of cases it is because the wife secretly thinks she is ugly.
We are the nation that invented Viagra...
14) We have low energy as a nation. As such - it is not out of rudeness that we don't care about strangers. But out of a general sense of stress at being able to get to the end of the day in one peace and with as little hassle as possible.
15) As a nation we have being there and done that. For a thousand years now. And we are so bored of it all - that none of us can even be bothered to study our own history. The best way to sum up the psychology of our country is this.
Imagine an airport lounge with 60 million people. That is the UK.
16) England, Britain or the UK. Who cares? We don't. Most Brits can't be bothered to remember what the different terms mean.
17) Nobody believes anything in the newspapers over here. They only exist so that people have something to read during their lunch breaks - and so that they have something to talk about in the office at work. A lot of people mistake reading things aloud from the paper for having a personality.
18) Respect for the rule of law is a big thing in the UK. Not out of any sense of fairness or decency - but because we love seeing other people get into trouble. Which is why politicians have to go to prison in this country for pocketing a few thousand pounds in incorrect expenses claims.
19) Nobody gives a shit about newspapers over here. As such the newspapers have a free reign to bully which ever politician or celebrity they want whenever they have committed the smallest wrong doing.
20) Everyone in the UK hates strangers. And everyone in the UK secretly hates most of their 'friends'. And they are secretly jealous of the ones they most like. Jealously and hatred and backstabbing make up most of our waking thoughts. To the point that we are not even aware of it. We are the nation that gave the world reality TV, The Weakest Link, The X Factor, Simon Cowell and Piers Morgan. Spot the pattern yet?
21) Since British people are scared of offending people. We are incredibly polite to others. This is especially the case with Americans who we are convinced lead much more interesting lives than we do. And who come from a cooler country than we do. Even if we like to think we are smarter than them. We only think that because everybody in the UK thinks they are smarter than literally everybody else in the UK.
Sometimes I explain to people - that by definition - half the country has below average intelligence. And the other half has above average intelligence.
They always look confused when I explain this to them.
I then tell them that if they are struggling to understand what I just said then it is clear which half they belong to.
The really dumb ones can't even follow that.
For some reason - people in the UK don't like weird ideas or new ways of thinking about things. I think it is because they want their presumed intellectual superiority to go forever unchallenged.
22) No matter how much Scotland complains - they will never leave the UK. And no matter how much England complains - they will never leave the EU. And no matter how much the Irish complain - the rest of the UK still wishes they were Irish. And no matter how much Wales complains - everybody else will still be happy they are not Welsh.
Also - nobody in England gives a fuck about Northern Ireland. Keep it or get rid of it. We don't care either way. We didn't even care about the bombings either - since people in the UK are so bored in their day to day life - that the occasional bomb at least livened up the news a bit.
23) People pretend they support the military in the UK. But they they secretly think that everyone in the military is a working class idiot with no qualifications who couldn't get a better job. To cover up for this hypocrisy we sometimes get bullied by the newspapers into pretending we care more about the armed forces than we really do.
24) Please come to our country or consider moving here. The only money in the UK comes from selling each other houses or from ripping off tourists.
So the more the merrier.
We are all secretly amazed that tourists care about our history and royal family. Since we don't give a shit about them.
And we are equally amazed at how friendly Americans seem to be.
The only good thing about the UK is our music and our comedy.