[Alpharius]

Minneapolis: Winter is coming.



History: When Minnesota became a state in 1858, the three biggest cities had the choice of what juicy money maker they could each have; the prison, the capital, and the university. Stillwater chose the prison, St. Paul chose the capital, and Minneapolis chose the University. The city quickly became a hub of commerce and travel, utilizing the Mississippi river to dominate the economics of the region. Pillsbury constructed the largest and most advanced water mill the world had ever seen in Minneapolis in the 1880's, an area that's been turned into a modern day museum/luxury apartment building. The city became the integral to liberal politics with the joining of the Democratic Party with the Farmer-Labour Party (the DFL), which has presided over Minneapolis for the past century.

Geography: Minneapolis is a city dominated by water. In addition to the Mississippi bordering and intersecting it, the city holds 20 lakes within it's boundarys - the most famous being the Chain of Lakes, Calhoun, Brownie, Cedar, Harriet, and Lake of the Isles, all being connected at various points. In the spring, summer, and early fall you'll find quite a bit of activity around the beaches, trails and paths along the water. Running, rollerskating, yoga, barbecues, picnics, frisbee, football, soccer, volleyball, etc... are all done in these places. Great spots to meet people or hangout with friends.

The city can be broken down into a couple parts: North, South, Downtown, Uptown, and Dinkytown. Downtown is the major business/government/nightclub area. North is the ghetto area of the city. South is full of yuppies and immigrants. Uptown is where you go to play hipster bingo. Dinkytown is the area around the University of MN (UofM).

In winter the city gets the to be extremely cold, with the average low in winter being -13F (For comparison, Anchorage, Alaska is a warm -8F). If you plan on visiting anytime between mid-October through mid-March, plan on dressing extremely warm. Every year the Twin Cities sees quite a bit of frostbite and hypothermia. July is the only month it hasn't snowed in Minneapolis, so be ready for that. This is the major city in the state that giggles when the rest of the country has snow days. Unless you hear otherwise, assume the snow/cold will not cancel any events you may be attending.

The warmest temperature ever recorded in Minneapolis was 108 °F (42 °C) in July 1936, and the coldest temperature ever recorded was −41 °F (−41 °C), in January 1888. (Minnesota really does need to adopt "Winter is coming" as the state motto.)

Transportation: Getting around Minneapolis is much easier than St. Paul. Whereas St. Paul is a confusing, tangled mess, Minneapolis is laid out on a grid with streets and avenues named in numerical or alphabetical order. Taxis are relatively easy to catch at the airport, downtown, and at the Mall of America. The bus system is pretty half-assed, but the light rail connects downtown Minneapolis to the airport and the mall, so it's pretty convenient for travelers.

If you're interested in biking, most popular areas have bright green bikes from Nice Ride Minnesota you can rent for the day in racks. Apparently they offer bikes in 150 locations around the city. Biking is popular here, with quite a few streets having bike only lanes, and the Minneapolis Greenway is becoming an integral part of the biking community here. The Greenway is a road strictly for bikes, pedestrians and rollerbladers, that goes straight through the middle of the city, starting at the Mississippi, skirting downtown and ending up by Lake Calhoun.



Like St. Paul, downtown Minneapolis is connected through a series of skyways (tubes that connect buildings together above street level). Convenient for getting around without stepping outside during winter. Be warned that the skyways do close, so plan on that if you'll be walking around downtown after hours.
Skyway hours:
M-F 6:30 a.m. - 10 p.m.
Sat 9:30 a.m. - 8 p.m.
Sun Noon - 6 p.m.
The skyways connect some 69 blocks together throughout downtown, linking most major businesses, the University of St. Thomas, Minneapolis Community & Technical College, and the major city/county government buildings.


Food & Drink: I'll only list a few places, but if anyone is curious I can give some more.

The above mentioned skyways have dozens of little restaurants dotted throughout their length that are usually open 9-5. The bigger the line, the longer a place has been open in my experience.

Close to the UofM, you'll find some spectacular restaurants. In particular, Bona, a Vietnamese restaurant, right by the Gopher's Stadium, has the best eggrolls I've ever eaten. I've seen people go there just for the eggrolls. Otherwise you can check out Village Wok, is open til 2am and serves massive portions dirt cheap.

If you're a burger guy, you need to have a Juicy Lucy. The Lucy is a Minneapolis staple. It's a cheese burger with the cheese inside the hamburger patty. While served at a number of restaurants, you really need to try it at either Matt's Bar, or the 5-8 Club, both on Cedar Ave by Lake Nokomis. The two restaurants have been competing since the prohibition era over who invented the Lucy, and who has the better version (for the record, I vote 5-8). Be warned: That molten cheese will burn the shit out of your mouth.


Downtown has any number of restaurants, but personally I'd go with the Dakota Jazz Club. In addition to some strong drinks, the food is to die for and the music is awesome. Every major jazz/blues singer you can think of has come through here at some point or another, and the music is always great.

Hell's Kitchen is a fantastic spot for breakfast, but be ready to stand in line and wait a good hour for your food. I'd sell my soul for some of of their sausage bread or walleye hashbrowns...

Mercado Central in South Minneapolis has authentic food from Mexico and Central America (in case you need your pupusa fix). Actually, if you're super interested in getting some pupusas, check out La Palmera Pupusas.

Eat Street stretches from downtown all the way into South Minneapolis, and is filled with restaurants. Classic spots like The Bad Waitress, Jasmine 26 and Jasmine Deli, and the Black Forest Inn are all located here and all worth a try.

In the summer Jax Cafe is your best option for fine dining. Catch a trout in their stocked stream and have it grilled up for dinner. Fairly expensive for MN, but soooo worth it.

Punch Pizza is also worth a try. Holy shit this is delicious pizza. It even got a shout out from Obama during his 2014 State of the Union for paying it's employees a minimum of $10/hour. They earn it. Now I'm hungry.

A particular favorite is Ted Cook's 19th Hole BBQ. Can't get enough of this place. Maybe it's because I'm black? Maybe it's because I love BBQ. Shit, now I'm hungry as hell. Seriously, even the reviews of this place are awesome as fuck.

Pappy's Chicago Style Eatery is the best place in town for chicken, fried fish, and philly steak sandwiches. Lock your car though when you go in though.

There's also a couple German and Swedish restaurants in town. If anyone is interested, I can tell you where to go to try lutefisk.

The Mall:
There's always Mall of America that comes packed with more than 500 stores, two dozen full restaurants, and multiple stacked food courts, and a host of fast food places you can sit and eat. Also the goddamn amusement park in the middle complete with multiple roller coasters and the infamous log ride. In addition to the 4.3 miles of storefront, there's also a mini golf course, bowling alley, multiple arcades, an aquarium underneath the mall, and apparently some new Barbie themed Exhibit, and a movie theater with 14 screens (you can drink beer in the theater while watching a movie!). This is a mall with it's own zip code. Think about that for a second. The mall isn't heated, body heat from the customers and employees heats it even in the midst of a Minnesotan winter. IF by chance you find The One while you're here, you can get married at the Chapel of Love. Seriously, I was the best man at a wedding here once. A planned expansion for the mall will double its size, and will include a skating rink, water park, a second hotel, and a full scale clinic.

Be warned, the mall has it's own massive security team, bolstered by the Bloomington Police, and they have cameras everywhere. The mall even has its own separate undercover anti-terrorism unit (seriously, I interviewed with them back when I was getting into law enforcement, they're probably better trained than half the normal police units in the country).

Day: The Mill City Museum is located next to the Mississippi, and is based around an old flour mill that exploded. There are still old ruins that aren't part of the museum you used to be able to break into and explore (not that I ever did anything like that as teenager...)

Historic Fort Snelling is an fort from the frontier era where you can walk around and see people acting out a day in the life when Minnesota was still a territory.

St. Anthony Falls and St. Anthony Main are a quaint little area sandwiched between downtown and the UoM that's surprisingly quiet. You can go on horse-drawn carriage rides, stop in at a super cheap movie theater, or spend some time at the little bars along the riverfront.

You can watch the Gophers, Vikings, Timberwolves, or Twins play here, but honestly, why would you? The wolves are okay, but I'm pretty sure the Lynx would beat them in a match.

For you thirsty motherfuckers, you can always catch a Valkyries game.


The Walker Art Museum is half city park, part greenhouse, part insane shit people in Minneapolis are proud of. All spring and summer you can find people wandering around taking pictures, and most of the winter they're doing the same thing. It does have a giant spoon and cherry, however, and it's a close walk from downtown.


Night:
The 508 is, in my opinion the best place to go downtown. In addition to amazing food and two for ones served before 10 on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays, the dance floor downstairs gets packed between 11pm-2am. The waitresses and bartenders coined the phrase "white girl workout" to describe the dance most commonly seen on the floor. She's not punching you in the face, she really is dancing wildly to Party In The USA. Order a Minneapolis Stack for me when you get there.
For those of you not familiar, I present to you now, the White Girl Workout:

The warehouse district by downtown is the place to be at night. A number of clubs dot the area- Sneakypete's is a brofest (how many guys still pop their fucking collar?!), buyer beware. Aqua, Envy & Brothers have been around for years now and show no sign of going under anytime soon.
Despite it's name, The Gay 90's has a surprising number of straight people there. The multiple bars, floors, and dance floors with different music help drive their enduring scene. While it's full of straight people, there are drags shows and the like.
For really strong but cheap drinks, head down a bit to The Saloon. Warning: it's a gay bar. They left the 90's and took up here. Full on male nudity on shower night, where dudes dance to win cash. Don't knock it til you need $300 in a hurry.
Don't go to the Imperial Room. I don't care what anyone you meet downtown tells you. It's ghetto as fuck and I have no idea how it's managed to stay in business. Every time I've been there someone gets stabbed or shot right outside the doorway. Ever. Single. Time.
Caveat: Minneapolis Police have had trouble keeping control during bar close for years and have enlisted the help of the county sheriffs office on the weekends, with state patrol closely watching the highways nearby for drunk drivers. If you stay til bar close expect to see overworked, underappreciated officers clearing out the area on foot and horseback. They will not take shit from you, and if they tell you to walk the other way, just do so. Having to walk an extra block isn't worth being pepper sprayed.

Psycho Suzi's Motor Lounge is a full on tiki bar (located in Minneapolis, because hell, why not?). Multiple floors, multiple bars, and decent food. It's all the rage with 20-somethings because no one really leaves MN and it's the closest thing to exotic that exists here.

Random things to know:

The famous Metrodome where the Vikings used to play collapsed under the weight of a crap ton of snow during a blizzard a couple years ago. Now the state is paying for a new stadium for this shitty team to play in. Always fun to watch the roof collapse though.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AAyLX2hY7E0

If you're into art or insanity, check out the HOUSE OF BALLS. No, seriously.

If you're into peace and solitude you can check out the world's quietest room. Apparently you'll go insane if you stay in there too long, at which point you can check out the House of Balls.

Women: If you like white women, Minnesota is the place for you. It's one of the least obese states in the country, so there's that. Sorry, chubby chasers. There's a small but significant black/latino/somali/hmong population here, too. But you'll only find them in Minneapolis and St. Paul, getting into the suburbs people of color are rare, and once you're out in the boonies they're non-existent.

On a final note, if anyone is a member of the Minneapolis Club, please invite me to become a member. That place is awesome.